sometimes i hide all my true feelings
hide all my heartbreak with a fake smile
the secret to me is concealing
the sadness and hate is all too vile
SOMEtimes I hide ALL my TRUE feelING
HIDE all THE heartBREAK with A fake SMILE
THE secRET to ME is CONcealING
THE sadNESS and HATE is ALL too VILE
I know its all wrong but i tried =[
It seems cruel to criticise a poem whose content is SO powerful (and SO powerfully written).
ReplyDeleteBut if I am being pedantic (which is my job!), I am obliged to pick up on the meter too...
I have rewritten your CAPITALS version to place the stressed according to the trochaic/catalectic rhythm I asked for. See if you can work out where your words fall in the wrong place (e.g. "feelING", "heartBREAK", "secRET", "CONcealING", "sadNESS" etc.)
Feel free to redraft it along these lines if you like. The poem itself is great, remember...