Calmly relaxed about his serene life. The foe plans to strike, one which will not mend. Time slips past, as he goes under the knife. The bloodshed, the torn flesh, a life must end.
10 syllables each line, which is a good start. And a very powerful use of language indeed too. Well done!
But is it iambic? Look at it stressed iambically, and see if it sounds right: calmLY reLAXED aBOUT his SErene LIFE the FOE plans TO strike ONE which WILL not MEND time SLIPS past AS he GOES unDER the KNIFE the BLOODshed THE torn FLESH a LIFE must END
Words like CALMLY, SERENE, UNDER have not been stressed correctly, and TO (Line 2) and THE (Line 4) sound strange stressed.
You are getting there, but mastery of the IAMB is still a way away...
10 syllables each line, which is a good start. And a very powerful use of language indeed too. Well done!
ReplyDeleteBut is it iambic? Look at it stressed iambically, and see if it sounds right:
calmLY reLAXED aBOUT his SErene LIFE
the FOE plans TO strike ONE which WILL not MEND
time SLIPS past AS he GOES unDER the KNIFE
the BLOODshed THE torn FLESH a LIFE must END
Words like CALMLY, SERENE, UNDER have not been stressed correctly, and TO (Line 2) and THE (Line 4) sound strange stressed.
You are getting there, but mastery of the IAMB is still a way away...