Robert: I thought us two, we were best friends matey
Jerry: who’s to say us two, cant be such a way?
Robert: your kindness cannot make me so weighty
Jerry: my kindness does not aim to make you gay
Robert: well then, please don't try to change my sad mind
Jerry: I just don’t think a girl can break us up
Robert: so now you have slept with my love, she isn't your kind?
Jerry: she was too young, she was only a pup.
Robert: how dare you choose to speak such a foul phrase!
Jerry: we had the flat for such a sinful thing!
Robert: are you naming my wife a one-night phase?
Jerry: but if she was, the birds, they wouldn't sing!
Robert: so now it seems my faith was just a trap
Jerry: my life was just a fake, a deadly trap.
What a fantastic attempt!!!
ReplyDelete14 lines? Yes.
Rhyme Scheme? Yes.
10 syllables per line? Yes.
Well done!!!
Iambic feet in each line? Not quite...
Let me give you an example: Look at Line 1, and the final word, 'Jerry'. Say that word out loud to yourself: how does it sound? JERry or jerRY? We say the name JERry, but putting it at the END of a line of iambic meter means that it is said jerRY. Which is wrong.
See where else you have words that don't fit the rhythm (e.g. 'trying' in Line 5; 'wasn't' in Line 7 etc.) and see if you can redraft.
And remember, none of this is a criticism: it is all part of me 'training' you all to be experts in all this. :)
(Also, I am not completely convinced by your 'thy/thee' language; it seems a bit old fashioned for a modern lay/poem, don't you think?)
sir as for the iambic rythym i think with me it was a case of not knowing where the stresses fall on each word and not in the pentameter ill try harder next time
ReplyDeleteNot a question of 'trying harder': come and find me in school and I'll talk you through it?
ReplyDelete