She loved him like ice - Her heart would just melt
She didn't know her heart was to break
All those times she'd been hit with his belt
How much more of this was this young girl to take?
All this abuse and hurt was plain to see
A rollercoaster of love - all in her mind
He didn't love her but for her money
What made her think that he was once kind?
One day it all happened... So harsh and cold
He took out his knife and reach for her purse
She would get hurt - so she had been told
Would this of her lifetime be that one hurtful curse?
She screamed for dear life... pleaded to him
He didn't listen... it was just but a game
she cried and cried: "Please stop this Jim!"
He coldly replied: "You are to blame!"
So this one night she crept up to his room
no longer could she even think to pretend
All that was left was the scent of her purfume
Her heart was now permanently unable to mend
I don't think this will be my final draft... i'm still workin on it but let me know what you think!
ReplyDeleteI think that the story you told was written in a very clever and interesting way but just the ballad structure wasn't strong,if you get what I mean.
ReplyDeleteOverall I enjoyed reading it and the language was fantastic.Well Done,GR8 effort!
Wow.
ReplyDeleteBrilliantly told from a specific point of view.
I love the fact that it feels so destined against this girl.
Full of meaning.
^^
A compelling narrative, skilfully told: e.g. I love your simile in the first line!
ReplyDeleteHowever, you have followed a rhyme scheme tighter than I prescribed (1 and 3 did not necessarily need to rhyme); and, as shiningstar says, the rhythm is not quite what I was looking for. Remember: dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM-dee / dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM / dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM / dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM-dee-dee-DUM... :)