Kate believed she had fat legs and tummy
How I wish I could see through her eyes
She refused to eat food of the choicest cuisines
It’s her mirror that’s telling her lies.
“Please listen to me” I once pleaded
“You must stop this sick bodily harm”
But still she was sure that she was overweight
While my pen was compared to her arm
A few months have now passed and she’s haggard
Her school jumper engulfs her thin frame
She’s grown slimmer and weaker but now she is ill
And the doctor said Kate is to blame
On that Sunday news came from Kate’s mother
The news changed the course of my whole day
All I could do was to lay down and cry, mourning
My best friend Kate has just passed away
So I say to all girls who are out there
Take care of yourself it’s not a chore
Please don’t go down that path it’ll only kill you
And Take heed from my friend who’s no more
What a fantastic poem!!! :)
ReplyDeleteThe rhythm goes a little skewy in the last two stanzas (right number of syllables, but look where the stresses fall and see if that makes sense). See how slight changes could have made it even better:
"And the NEWS changed the COURSE of my DAY
the one THING i could DO was to LAY down and CRY
my friend KATE she has JUST passed aWAY"
and...
"taking CARE of yourSELF is no CHORE
please don't GO down a PATH which will END in your DEATH"
Do you see what I mean?
But the WHOLE poem is exceptionally powerful, and manipulates the ballad form to quite expert effect.
And your first three stanzas especially are quite exceptional. Really.
Well done! :)
thank you so much sir for your comment
ReplyDeleteit just made my evening lol
:D :D :D
(p.s. i'm not being sarcastic):D
i'm going to begin doing task 11 now and i hope my work will improve significantly
ReplyDeleteuntil then Aurevoir, arrivederci, ciao,sayonara, BYEEEE
lol :P
Aww Grace!
ReplyDeleteyour poem is really good!
i read it then saw you wrote it and thought
"thats my girl ;)"
you have suck a talent for writing and its such a gift =]
and the poem was about a really powerfuly and sensitive subject =]
you could post it to an aroxia site and they could use it for something!