I see darkness arriving, like an army going to battle. Hate surrounded us everywhere. Where did that love go? My family was broken into bits and pieces and the only thing we did was watch it end. I miss my mother’s smile and the time we used to spend together as the ‘happy family.’ The laughter was gone and now there was only hate and sadness in the atmosphere.
Here we go again but today was going to be different than any of the other days. I wanted to close my eyes, as I watched them shouting, roaring and tearing each other apart but I fail to. Tears fell down my brother’s face; he was too innocent to understand what was going on around him. I kept close to him and made sure he was alright. Another vase broken and the roses inside it is no longer the beautiful bright red, instead it was lifeless. I would rather be watching a scary movie than this. I watched in horror as my mother was force to the ground, with blood all over her hand. I looked at her and saw the fear in her eyes and I knew deep inside she was crying out for help, even though she was strong enough not to show it on the outside.
My life became a living hell. I could no longer take it. “Stop it, Stop it, STOP it.” I shouted at them. They didn’t care about me or my little brother at all, just carried on with their war. I thought that my mother could be more understanding and caring but she turned out to be the worst one. Well, it wasn’t really her fault she became like this. I think it was dad’s fault, we all knew where he was going late at night everyday. The thought that mum knew where he was going; droved her mad and she couldn’t stop herself from it.
The war ended but it destroyed every little happiness we once had. She didn’t even say goodbye, just closed the door and never came back. Dad sat there on his special chair. He looked at us. I could see that was not what he wanted. Deep inside his heart, he still had feelings for mum. I stood there…in silence. I didn’t say a word and left him there so that he can think about the disaster he caused.
The last words of my mother was, “I will come back for my children and that day you will paid for the damage you caused.” My father didn’t care; he carried on with his life and tried to bring things back to normal. I was left in tears and pain which no one would understand.
Where did that love go? I still ask myself that question.
A very full description of the breakdown of this family, Angel_K, and the emotions are kept very real and powerful throughout - as is the struggle your narrator is clearly going through from the outset. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHowever, you need to settle on what tense you are using, as your piece flits between past and present somewhat confusingly at times. Also - and I know this is hardest for you, posting after so many others have attempted this task before you - look closely and give your own verdict as to what you have made especially DIFFERENT about your account, compared to the others. For any piece of 'Original Writing', it is the originality which is key, and, whilst this is in many ways really excellent writing, you could have done much worse than to attempt something risky too - like the tennis scores in jaffacake's, or the canned laughter in okle's, or even the ambitious choice of narrator by chex and shani. Do you see what I mean?
Dear A.,
ReplyDeleteYou tackle a difficult theme head-on, and maintain our sympathy for a troubled narrator. Your opening sentence is excellent: the simile of darkness like an approaching army is gripping. I’m not sure, as far as the actual aim of the task goes, to what extent this differs from your usual style – you could afford to try something a bit more ‘different’.
As has been pointed out already, the use of tense is problematic, moving between past and present in a way that confuses the reader. This also makes it difficult to find a sense of ‘progression’ in the story – we’re not sure what happened when, how much time passes between the events or bits of dialogue that are conveyed. For example, “My life became a living hell. I could no longer take it” – is she referring to this night in particular, or to an ongoing struggle? Or “she turned out to be the worst one. Well, it wasn’t really her fault she became like this” – does this mean ‘the worst one’ as in, she was the one who left, and therefore the one who hurt the children most? Or does it refer to something else, the mother’s general attitude or something she did previously? Because the sense of time is a bit vague and jumpy, we don’t follow some of the narrator’s emotions and reactions.
I would suggest as well that you might like to tie the narrative to particular scenes, perhaps by including more descriptive detail, or more actions. This is almost completely an interior monologue, and although it is a powerful one, it makes it easier for a reader to follow if you give us something to visualize, some images to link these ideas to. That is why the detail of the shattered vase of roses, or the father sitting down in his ‘special chair’ as the narrator walks out of the room, work so well. Try building your writing around more of these concrete things, and I think you’ll make it even stronger!