Saturday, 9 February 2008

cupids magic


when i could only be mulish in life
love couldn't be the only helping hand
i said i would give cupid all my strife
since i would not break my only demand
to me, the birds and bees have no duty
my mother reacted with a aha
when cupid had still not made me fruity
but puberty had took its toll on moi,
and i had changed forever and ever
just now at twelve i realised the truth
that way deep down i was eros' heir
and soon i would see when others, they sleuth
when valentines gave me some love unknown,
but i live knowing my love is a loan.
at

5 comments:

  1. carlsberger9 February 2008 at 11:41

    sorry about this sir i was ill for the week and struggled to make an attempt (hope its not too bad :-s)

    p.s ive made a right pigs ear of it really lol.

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  2. giggles10 February 2008 at 11:11

    I LOVE that pic!!! were did u get it from its sooo funny !!!
    hahahahaha!!!
    Aanonomous!

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  3. Anne Greenawalt10 February 2008 at 13:26

    Hey Carlsberger,

    There are so many fun, clever, quirky pieces to this poem – it makes me smile to read it.

    I liked: “mother reacted with a aha” because it’s creative to use a sound (aha) rather than a word.

    I also like the phrase “Eros’s heir.” It sounds good and is great symbolism (I'm a sucker for Greek mythology.)

    The final line, “I live knowing my love is a loan” is great (though not iambic) and could have a double meaning with a loan and alone.

    So I see much potential in this sonnet because of my above comments, but the rhythm and meter has gone a bit haywire, and it's not iambic pentameter. Try re-reading the lines out loud to see where the rhythm doesn’t work.

    Also, try writing it all in present tense. Right now, the tense keeps switching, making it confusing to read.

    You have many good things happening here, and I know from your past tasks that you’re good with iambic pentameter – so try to use that here, too.

    Thanks for posting - hope this helps.

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  4. carlsberger11 February 2008 at 23:51

    thanks for the points orange, i knew this wouldnt be perfect but i tried to get it as good as i could whilst putting rythym on hold cause i had like 2 days to do it.

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  5. englishguru14 February 2008 at 13:05

    Profound and very clever (although I'm not sure about a couple of your rhymes - aha/moi!?), and with your trademark originality too, in plentiful supply.

    The iambs are a little awry though, as you acknowledge, as follows:
    Line 1: "mulish"
    Line 4: "my only"
    Line 5: "duty"
    Line 6: "reacted"
    Line 7: "still not made me fruity"
    Line 9: "ever"
    Line 12: "when others, they sleuth" ???
    Line 14: "my love"

    Line 11 is especially brilliant though - a masterful stroke! :)

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