He keep me company when i'm alone.
His face lights up just like a happy child
He teases me and I get cross and mad
He tells me that he was only joking.
But then I see him kiss another girl
He tells me that it's not what it looks like
I don't want to know and I don't listen
I feel it's injustice and i'm angry
He tells me that he's not my valentine
Because he likes some ugly different girl.
I told him to stuff his sorries for good
The trash was taken out and and i'm OK!
I heard he's going out with a new girl
I hope, that she dumped him cos he's a fool.
I had a detention today so I felt of writing as sad poem. boo hoo!!!
ReplyDeleteIn many respects, this is great. You've counted the syllables carefully, and the content of your poem is great - and an excellent response to the Valentine's task. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHowever, your rhyme and rhythm are sometimes lacking...
There is no clear rhyme scheme (see the original task for what it should have been?). And the meter is often not iambic either. Lines 1-3 are fine (although it should be "keeps" and not "keep"). But look at Line 4: see how the last two words are actually trochaic ("ONly JOKing"). The same is true for much of Line 7 and 8 and 11 - so see if you can remedy that with a redraft?
That said, you've mastered the iambic rhythm pretty effectively in many of the other lines, so you can clear do it. Well done. :)
Annonomus
ReplyDeleteHi Annonomus, this is a good effort and you’ve done well with keeping to the decasyllabic (10 syllable line) and, in most lines, the iambic beat. As englishguru says, the rhyme is an area you need to look at again. One way of doing this is to think of each unit of rhyming lines (eg abab) as communicating one part of the overall message of the poem. You’ve done this well in the progression of ideas throughout the poem. If you find rhyme difficult (I do as well), try to start just with the rhyming couplet at the end. In English you can get away with half-rhymes (where the main vowel sound is the same) sometime: eg I heard he’s going out with someone new/I hope that she dumped him cos he’s a fool. Well done on the poem!