(A young 21 year old guy sitting in a rusted out car in the dark watching a girl in the house he parked near)
The bloody bitch. It was all her fault he died. It was all her fucking fault he committed fucking suicide and ended his life tragically and now he’s going to hell. Why couldn’t he stick to his own kind? Why did he have to fall in love with her, a muslim? A fucking damn muslim. Look at her, I can see her laughing...THAT BITCH, she killed my only family and she’s laughing. Let her have this final laugh...she doesn’t know what grief she caused me. She doesn’t know what pain she’s going to experience. I never let things lie. She’s in for it tonight. She’s going to get everything she deserves for MURDERING my brother...
(He stays in the car until he sees all the lights being turned off and slowly creeps out of the car making his way to the back of the house and breaks open the door and realises the door is already open)
This dumb bitch. She didn’t even lock the door. Couldn’t this murder get any easier...HAHAHAH! I couldn’t help laughing, I dint find it funny. I guess the feeling that I was going to get revenge was just generating my happiness to go wild. I JUST WANTED TO GET BACK AT HER FOR what she done. I looked around her clean and snug home. Slowly making my way towards her bedroom. Look t her ...sleeping peacefully....she doesn’t have the right too..........
(He walks right to her and pulls out a sharp knife..She wakes up suddenly and screams)
SHUUTUUP U BITCH
(She stops screaming)
It was all your fault, it was al your fault he died. Do you know that. Do you fucking know that.
**UNFINISHED**
Hey sadz,
ReplyDeleteYour character’s anger has come across very strong through use of his profanity as well as the repetition of the reason why he’s angry (that a woman caused his brother to commit suicide). The repetition works well to show an uneasy mental state.
What I’d like to see are a lot more details! For example, “ended his life tragically” – you could describe to your reader how he committed suicide, what the body looked like when he was found. If your character found the body, you could add the way it made him feel to see his dead brother, smells, sounds, etc.
Another example: “she doesn’t know what pain she’s going to experience.” Will it be the pain of pricking herself with a needle, or will it be the pain of getting hit by a bus? There are many levels of pain. Describe the type of pain your character envisions for her.
Adding details like this will give better insight to your character as well as make it an even more entertaining piece to read.
Will you be posting the rest of it later? I'll look forward to seeing more if you do post it.
yesss i am just going to re post everything after i re do it and improve it
ReplyDeleteThe first half is great, but then, after he gets out of the car, did you notice how your tense changes from PRESENT to PAST, and so no longer reads like a dramatic monologue but simply a piece of narrative fiction instead. Do you see what I mean?
ReplyDeleteuh oh...i neww i did dattt...i thought id try my luk and c if it can actuali work sorii...:(
ReplyDeleteHey Sadz
ReplyDeleteYour subject matter is gripping: disturbing for the reader, thus very effective as the subject of a dramatic monologue. Consider the following to make improvements...
-The monologue doesn’t need so many capital letters, anger can be portrayed more subtly.
-Create suspense, don’t reveal his intention until later, just convey his thoughts, his anger. Maybe get him to describe what he is seeing- the girl walking from room to room, closing her curtains, switching off lights- dull routine as a contrast to his malice, it also humanises his victim.
-The words ‘Clean’ ‘snug’ are too general, describe something which catches his eye as he enters her house- a Birthday card from her mum or a book with a bookmark in it. By humanising the girl, the reader is unsettled- they want to sympathise.
Leave it to finish here perhaps, loose ends don't all have to be tied, the lack of complete resolution is effective...
good luck
Dani