(Woman sitting in the driver’s seat of an unmarked Volvo car, alone in the middle of street. Its 12o’clock midnight, coming close to 1am in the morning. With a cigarette in her hand, smoking, her red handbag and its contents are sprawled out across the seat next to her. Pouring out is already empty packet of cigarettes and another that is missing a few. She starts to speak.)
Could’ve been easier, you know, just sitting at a desk all day rambling on into a phone. (Smirks) But I had to do what he wanted. Had to do what he said. Senseless sonovabitch.
For crying out loud, what did I ever want from the police force? (Inhales, lays hand on edge of open window) A gun, this friggin’ badge, an excuse from a proper education? Like it or not, Tina always said I was crazy. Not crazy in general (Inhales again), just crazy to join the police force. I wasn’t ever sure whether she meant both. Why didn’t I listen to her? Tina died a few months later and he just, lost it. I was 26, dad was nearing 50. She was the closest thing he had to mom. Didn’t seem like it though. She always sad that dad was getting home too late, missing thanksgiving, pondering over his cold dinner all the time. She was right, but it was always the job. Strange, now it’s my turn. (Smirks again) Dad always informed me of the dangers when I was kid, a teenager, an adult. Continuously, but I didn’t listen.
(A police car speeds by somewhere in the distant, its siren wailing. This is followed by the static crackle from the radio, muttering a very faint “Calling Unit 12-V10 to Victoria Street, Fifth Av-.”Before she turns the radio off. )
(Quotes in a mimicked voice) ‘Sweetie, you remind me of your dad you know. You’re strong willed. You’ve got that, sense of justice, the one he always had.’
Three bullets during an armed robbery and he ended up lying in unconsciousness before he knew it. Still so strong willed Velmie?
(She looks at her cigarette burning out and throws it out of the window, then reaches for another one, lights it and inhales.)
Alex wasn’t any help either. Detective Lieutenant Saunder with his cold, blue, distilled eyes. That news went around the force pretty fast, a bit like wildfire. (Sighs) That added to the stress that was already piling up. All of my life leading up to some jerk. But that’s why I did it. That’s why I’ve run away, all that crap.
Could’ve been easier, you know, just sitting at a desk all day rambling on into a phone. (Smirks) But I had to do what he wanted. Had to do what he said. Senseless sonovabitch.
For crying out loud, what did I ever want from the police force? (Inhales, lays hand on edge of open window) A gun, this friggin’ badge, an excuse from a proper education? Like it or not, Tina always said I was crazy. Not crazy in general (Inhales again), just crazy to join the police force. I wasn’t ever sure whether she meant both. Why didn’t I listen to her? Tina died a few months later and he just, lost it. I was 26, dad was nearing 50. She was the closest thing he had to mom. Didn’t seem like it though. She always sad that dad was getting home too late, missing thanksgiving, pondering over his cold dinner all the time. She was right, but it was always the job. Strange, now it’s my turn. (Smirks again) Dad always informed me of the dangers when I was kid, a teenager, an adult. Continuously, but I didn’t listen.
(A police car speeds by somewhere in the distant, its siren wailing. This is followed by the static crackle from the radio, muttering a very faint “Calling Unit 12-V10 to Victoria Street, Fifth Av-.”Before she turns the radio off. )
(Quotes in a mimicked voice) ‘Sweetie, you remind me of your dad you know. You’re strong willed. You’ve got that, sense of justice, the one he always had.’
Three bullets during an armed robbery and he ended up lying in unconsciousness before he knew it. Still so strong willed Velmie?
(She looks at her cigarette burning out and throws it out of the window, then reaches for another one, lights it and inhales.)
Alex wasn’t any help either. Detective Lieutenant Saunder with his cold, blue, distilled eyes. That news went around the force pretty fast, a bit like wildfire. (Sighs) That added to the stress that was already piling up. All of my life leading up to some jerk. But that’s why I did it. That’s why I’ve run away, all that crap.
(Pauses, inhales deeply and coughs for a long time.)
There’s blood on the back seat along with my gun. Murphy was hard to talk to, hard to get loose. I had to know, had to find out why Tina died, to see for myself why she jumped. (She smiles.) Murphy seemed to always know what was going on. That government leak who every cop knew? That’s him, Murphy’s your guy. With all that inside information, funny how he didn’t get that bullet in the head sooner. But he knew dad pretty well, not to mention Tina. Someone would have shut him up one way or another.
Life as a cop was tough, pieces of me fell with every case that closed. (Faint teardrop runs down cheek) I’m tired of it. (Lowers tone) As I think of it, I've got a journey to make. My gun has lost its license and my resignation has gone through. That day at the bridge, Tina didn't jump. That's one thing I'm sure about. (Pauses)
There’s blood on the back seat along with my gun. Murphy was hard to talk to, hard to get loose. I had to know, had to find out why Tina died, to see for myself why she jumped. (She smiles.) Murphy seemed to always know what was going on. That government leak who every cop knew? That’s him, Murphy’s your guy. With all that inside information, funny how he didn’t get that bullet in the head sooner. But he knew dad pretty well, not to mention Tina. Someone would have shut him up one way or another.
Life as a cop was tough, pieces of me fell with every case that closed. (Faint teardrop runs down cheek) I’m tired of it. (Lowers tone) As I think of it, I've got a journey to make. My gun has lost its license and my resignation has gone through. That day at the bridge, Tina didn't jump. That's one thing I'm sure about. (Pauses)
Tina had a secret. And it all concluded at that bridge where she jumped. I'm gonna' find out what happened to her.
But the last thing that Murphy said struck me hard;
'She was being watched'.
(She sticks the keys back into the ignition and starts the car again. She inhales her last breath, and throws the butt out of the window and drives off leaving only the slowly fading light of the cigarette to illuminate that one spot on the street.)
(She sticks the keys back into the ignition and starts the car again. She inhales her last breath, and throws the butt out of the window and drives off leaving only the slowly fading light of the cigarette to illuminate that one spot on the street.)
Still way too crammed, I know. ):
ReplyDeleteI just couldn't leave out all that material, the story would have felt unfinished if I had.
Last post before I head off on holiday anyway, hope it's a nice leaving piece.
^^
What you had before was impressive, and this is even better. Really well done - this is outstanding, advanced and sophisticated stuff. You should be immensely proud of yourself! :)
ReplyDeleteHi eternity forever,
ReplyDeleteTotally agree, this is great.
You've cleared up the issues about the function of secondary characters, particularly liked the way you dealt with Murphy: 'That government leak who every cop knew? That’s him, Murphy’s your guy' - that's a really good line, very LA Confidential!
You have also used the stage directions well to clearly define the different sections, I can picture this on stage/screen which is a really good sign.
The main character reads with much more depth now, the additional family details helped, the Father is a much more intriguing character now too.
Not much else to add other than really well done.
Hope you have a good holiday.
S.
Dear Eternity
ReplyDeleteFirst off, apologies for missing out on this last task – I have a head like a sieve and forgot to check wordvoodoo for a while!
This is good stuff, though. Atmosphere is really strong, and you’re using stage directions and visual details very effectively. We get a good sense of her character, kind of cynical, tough, that ‘sense of justice’ that’s driving her. Her speech flow is very natural, you’ve done extremely well to capture that kind of colloquial effect.
I think the only issue is one you’re already aware of: there’s a lot here. That means it’s interesting, everyone likes a strong plot, but it does feel a bit like packing a week’s worth of clothes into a slightly too-small suitcase! But if I’m going to call this a fault then it’s definitely a fault in the right direction – you’ve clearly got a great imagination and an instinct for plot and character, so it’s natural that you want to pack in as much of that as you can.
Have a great easter break
Claire