Amy: She knows what she's doing. Look at her.
Rose: Suppose she does.
Amy: What a whore.
Rose: Hmm... whore.
Amy: She's clever though, doing it so slyly.
Rose: Hmm.
Amy: Why are you acting so... weird?
Rose: (pauses) Well... she's not the only sly one here.
Amy: Yeah, true. I mean who does Jessica think she is? The fucking slag.
Rose: NO Amy I didn't mean Jessica.
Amy: Oh what? Janet. Interesting. I thought we agreed she's alright. But yeah, I get the angle you're coming from...
Rose: No Amy.
Amy: Then what.
Rose: (pauses)
Amy: Say it Rose. Just say it 'cos I don't want to waste my break with you taking your time. If you've got something to say, come say it to my face.
Rose: I'M ON ABOUT YOU. YES YOU AMY.
Amy: (Amy looks shocked) So... what are you trying to say?
Rose: AMY YOU'RE SO DUMB. I'm fed up of this, every break lunch and any other time we spend with eachother you just talk about other people. Everyone knows you do, why can you talk about everyone behind their back and yet you can't tell them face to face?
Amy: Atleast I don't stand there with stupid socks, and stupid shoes looking like such a geek... God Rose your nothing without me.
Rose: Ok we'll see... I'm gone yeah, fuck you. (Rose walks off towards Jessica leaving Amy in the playground by herself.)
**********************************************************
Angels with dirty faces.
Jane: Yes miss. I'll see you later, and miss, thanks for everything you've done. It's really helped. (Jane walks out to meet up with her friends)
Lucy: Miss, I just love that dress your wearing, (Miss turns round the corner out of earshot) shame really, she's so fat, I'm surprised the old cow can fit into it! (All the girls giggle)
Sarah: Anyway girls, oh my days did I tell you about Ashley? You know how I went to his house yesterday? Well... (she whispers, all the girls giggle)
Christina: Are you serious Sarah?
Sarah nods.
Michelle: You go sister! So what are you going to that party tonight with him?
Sarah nods again smiling.
Lucy: That's nothing. Me and Jamie (she whispers, everyone giggles)
Christina: Bloody hell Luce... You're mad. If your dad ever found out, he would kill you and Jamie! Anyway, girls are you going to Bobsters party tonight?
All the girls apart from Jane shout: YES!!!
Michelle: What about you Jane?
Jane: Nah I can't, besides I don't want to.
Sarah: Why?
Christina: Yeah how comes you don't? Not in a rude way but you never come out.
Lucy: Yeah. And we've all done it, why don't you?
Jane: Lucy what do you know? What do all of you know?
Sarah: Are you on your period or something?
Michelle: Shut up sarah, what is it Jane?
Sarah: Have you even started your period?
Michelle: shhhh
Sarah: What? We don't even know if she has.
Jane: I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone.
Sarah: Jane you soppy cow can you just say what it is?
Jane: Alright. But you lot can't say anything to anyone yeah? (all the girls nod their head) I'm pregnant! (everyone looks shocked. Eventually sarah speaks)
Sarah: So she has started her period then.
I love em both but fave has to be the 2nd one :D i luv hw u kept me as well as all the other galz wonderin about Jane... nice twist !!!! n da last line made me laugh lol... nice one :D
ReplyDeletelooooooooooooooooooooooooooooll go on monica :P oved dat last one... haha ur jokes addin comedy still... go on sister!
ReplyDeletelooooooooooooooooooooooooooooll go on monica :P oved dat last one... haha ur jokes addin comedy still... go on sister!
ReplyDeleteLuved em both but yh 2nd one was my fav.
ReplyDeleteUh Oh. You're truly doing it lol. 2nd one was the best. Reminds me of a bunch of Chicks that I know... loool. Well done Sister! It's really good =] x
ReplyDeleteNot sure about the first one, to be honest - it seems a little one-dimensional and bland.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the second one is fantastic, largely because you appear completely clear about where you are headed, and you wrap it up with a perfect, neat and sharp-witted conclusion. (You've been a bit cheeky with your number of characters though: 2 seems to have grown to 5!)
Hi Jaffacake
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the above comment, the second of the two is excellent with really convincing dialogue. Even though you use multiple characters I think you have handled a large cast with aplomb and turned the situation nicely on its head at the end. You give just enough information to the reader about the character's lives/backgrounds and the plot in general.
This makes the first one seem weak in comparison. I think the main flaw of this one is that you meander, there seems to be no point or purpose other than casual insults and backstabbing. By the end of the dialogue I was still waiting for the main action to happen. The character's are hard to empathise/sympathise with and seem cliched with little there to flesh out the premise. I think the piece could form the basis for a mini play, it just needs more work, maybe turn your methods for 'Angels with dirty faces' to 'sharp rose'. Might be interesting to see how they work in a different context.
Good work, look forward to seeing more.
S.
Dear Jaffa
ReplyDelete2 for the price of 1 here, nice going!! Both mini plays are interesting but the second has more dramatic power: in this one, you have a strong sense of the building tension, the revelation of an unexpected secret, and the best bit to my mind, is the last line – a comic one-liner which really undercuts the drama of the scene and makes it end on a very successful note. You’ve also captured the sense of this group dynamic very effectively.
I also like how you keep some of the conversation in whispers. The audience doesn’t need to know everything – it can be really effective to hold back some things, and allow us to make our own little guesses as to exactly what is being said. Sometimes what we imagine can be more powerful than actual words.
It might be interesting to put in a few more actions in the stage directions. For example, Michelle seems to be a more sympathetic character to Jane than Sarah or Lucy – so maybe you could include something to bring this out, eg she puts her arm around Jane, or stands in front of Sarah to block her out of the conversation…these sorts of small actions can work really well on stage and come across as very effective and natural.
Nice going!
Claire
Hi,
ReplyDeleteYour second piece is admirable, especially the dark humour of punchline. Same with the pun "bloody floors" and the understated "thorough entertainment" in Task 21. Dark humour involves a very difficult balance and you're obviously adept at it.
I also think the first dialogue has promise. The main problem is that you prepare the reader too much with Rose's less than subtle hints. Some editing there, maybe. Also, giving Amy the last word (especially if Rose doesn't sink to her level with long rant) might get across your point more effectively. Your poem in anapestic dimeter ending "Then un-pack." shows your ability to achieve so much meaning with just two words. The first dialogue would be improved by such compactness.