Two Elderly women sitting in a hotel reception
Pat: Ohhh, just look at the state of that one Marge! I wonder how much she got payed to drop em.
Marge:Cor blimey! I thought this were meant to be the Hilton! Not some pick up Motel!
Pat: Tell me about it. Mind you, they use more fancy names for Prossie's nowadays, escorts o summin' like that.
Marge: Well, there ae new names for eveything nowadays love! Ahh, when is this bloody boy going to hury up eh? Its getting on.
Pat: He'll be down soon, that receptionist left a message for us. Tel ya what, Im gonna help meself to one of these mints while I wait, they look bloody expensive!
Marge: Ahh, I think I'll do the same Pat. Infact, I'll sneak a few into me purs for the journey home. Although, they don't make mints like they used to.
Pat: You would think they'd have some sort of newspaper or magazine to keep us uccopyed while waiting wouldn't ya? Honestly, the service is slacking.
Marge: Cor blimey yeah! I mean, I'm a 64 year old woman, I can't just yank one of them playstation things out me bleedin' pocket and play it! Its ridiculous!
Pat: Well, you could aways complain about it. Ya know, demanding a Gadeners choice or evening standard.
Marge: Oh no, I could never complain, never do that.
Pat: No?
Marge: Well once they see an elderly woman handing in a letter of complaint, they'd chuck it right away wouldn't they?! Don't be daft! Complain? These people don't care about complaints from a pesioner like me. Nagger,Whinger; thats what they'd call me.
Pat: Ah maybe, still, always worth a try aint it?
Marge: Oh! Here's the fella! About Bleeding time to! Here Fella, I was just saying how bloody bad the service is here......
I think this is one of my favourite attempts at this task. Your characters are both totally convincing and original creations, and your dialogue fits them perfectly. And I love the inanity and banality of their banter as they wait for their incongruous and anachronistic liaison.
ReplyDeleteExcellent stuff - seriously! :)
Dear Chex
ReplyDeleteLike in your last piece you’re using strong characters and strong verbal patterns to build up a convincing scene. These two old ladies seem just the kind of old ladies everyone feels they have met at some point! The dialogue is very natural – it doesn’t feel like you’re making an effort to explain things to your audience. For example, when Marge tells us she’s a 64 yr old woman, she includes it in her conversation in a very natural way, not like she’s ‘dropping a clue’ for the audience – that’s really good.
There’s a lot of humour in the piece – eg the joke about the playstation, the women putting mints in their bags for the way home. It’s good, the jokes are genuinely funny but they’re not used as a distraction or substitute from the sense of place and characterisation you’re building up. I particularly like the irony at the end, when Marge says how she never complains and then as soon as she sees one of the staff, starts into a rant.
It might make the scene come alive a bit more if we got some more stage directions, eg what the reception looks like, and what they’re dressed like. It seems that this is a much classier establishment than they’re used to, and you could show us this from the outset by a contrast between their dress and their surroundings. Also I found myself wondering while reading it what exactly they were doing there – waiting for someone? – and some reference to their reasons for finding themselves in such a place might be interesting for your audience.
Well done with this!
Claire
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI actually like the ambiguity in this situation. Reminds me of experimental plays like Waiting for Godot. It makes the reader wonder what exactly is going on. If they do some work, they'll get more out of it. This works especially well in opning line when "drop em" could also mean giving birth. Two minor suggestions. I think there is some dialogue which could be pared down (the end of Marge's first line or the beginning of Pat's fifth, perhaps). This could give it more of the power that your moving "A Goodbye" demonstrates. Also, two places could use more direct examples (Marge's talk of new names and her last complaint to Fella.) Overall though, it's funny, socially relevant, and realistic. Wanted to thank you for the phrase "violet veins" in "Hate" and the rhyme "smirch/research" in "I Love/Miss/Need/You." Shows much promise, and I look forward to reading more.