Little Mermaid: (searches for something)
Flounder: (Looks up from 'fishes in the news today')You lost them again, haven't you...?
Little Mermaid: They were around here somewhere.. I haven't lost them, I have simply... misplaced them, is all...
Flounder: ... You've lost them havn't you?
Little Mermaid: (on the verge of tears) Yes. I don't know what to do! I have to go up to see Eric tonight. I, I- Flounder... You know you're my favourite little fishy in the who-
Flounder: Forget it.
Little Mermaid: Ah come on, gimme a break!
Flounder: I am NOT looking for them again, you have to look after your stuff Ariel. (Goes back to reading newspaper)
Little Mermaid: FINE but don't hold your breathe while waiting for me to bring you back more fish food from above! (Swims out of the room in a strop)
(15 minutes later, Ariel swims back in with her head held down)
Flounder: (Not looking up from newspaper) Didn't find them then?
Little Mermaid: (Gives the fish a nasty look) Maybe I would have if I had a decent FRIEND to help me look for them.
Flounder: Ah, alright alright, (Wiggles fins, about to move from his comfy chair of seaweed when he spots them) Erm, Ariel?
Little Mermaid: What? What is it now, what do you want? If you're gonna make a stupid rema-
Flounder: Looked behind the coral reefs?
Little Mermaid: (Turns bright red) Yes well, (clears throat) thanks. I had a feeling they were there all along, I mean, yes, I was going to look there next in fact.
Flounder: Goes back to newspaper
Ariel gathers her belongings and swims up to the surface but reconsiders and swims back towards Flounder
Little Mermaid: (Hugs Flounder and whispers) Thank you, thank you!
Flounder: (Shocked at the sudden show of emotion) Erm, yes, well it's quite alright, now go, off with you! Don't want to be late seeing Prince Eric now do you? Go on! (Goes back to newspaper looking annoyed)
Little Mermaid: ((Kisses her little fish friend and swims up to the surface while clumsily putting on her legs before she reaches land
Flounder: (Looks up at the struggling mermaid/girl and gives a chuckle, then goes back to his newspaper.
I really love this Indre!
ReplyDeleteThe stage directions and descriptions are really well written and its very humorous!
Well Done Super Indre!
x
Hey, Punk-Rock-Princess,
ReplyDeleteThis is ace. You've taken the brief and done a really well controlled take on it. Your conventions of script writing are spot on too. Well done.
I'm not familiar with how it's depicted in the film, but the idea of her 'clumsily putting on her legs' is ace: slightly gross, and yet so domestic, without having to strain at all to show us that this isn't a conventional fairy tale. You remove that earnestness that such stories usually have so easily, and make the scene more engaging for it. The intrigue of what she's looking for works really well too. Ace stuff.
One minor problem is how you'd convey the passage of time in the fifteen minutes later bit. As it is now it seems that the audience has to sit and watch a fish read the paper for fifteen minutes, so you maybe need to think of how you could show time passing without that (for screen just have the screen blank out, on stage the lights dimming and returning). Actually I like the idea of watching the fish for fifteen minutes :) but if that was the case you'd need indicators of how the fish reads and little gestures it makes so it's not entirely static.
Really well done with this. You've shown that you can write in a controlled way, without melodrama, even when the context would imediatley lend itself to that. It shows you've really thought it through. I look forward to whatever you're working on next. Take care,
Andy
Thanks Andy xD hahahahaha I didnt think of the audience having to watch the fish read for 15 minutes lol Ah, that'd be funny, yeah would need to change that slightly ^^
ReplyDeleteThanks Again [=
Hi Punk Rock Princess
ReplyDeleteReally liked the humour in this and the weirdness of hiding the legs behind the coral. I would like to see more scene setting at the beginning - such as the sort of home that Flounder has created for himself. It could be a modern place or an old dad place! And some more description of the legs, and what they mean to her. The dialogue is great and the characters believable. In the fairy tale her tail becomes legs, but in here she puts on the legs. So what happens to the tail?? And I think you could do more with her need to go on land to find a man. Where are all the mermen? Too ugly for her? These sorts of questions came to mind really, as ways of broadening this out into a typical family at home scenario but under the sea between fish and mermaid.
And your ending needs more of a bite, and perhaps exploring what or who she is going to could be used here to greater effect.
But a good script and I enjoyed reading it!
And have you read 'The Bloody Chamber' by Angela Carter? Short stories based on fairy tales that have been subverted!!
Best wishes
ann g
I loved this - and especially the way you built up to a twist/surprise ending. And the dialogue was fresh and dynamic too - well done!
ReplyDeleteHowever, the danger with developing tension is that the resolution mustn't disappoint - and, whilst the whole legs thing was fun and weird, I couldn't help thinking it would have been even more fun to have something even weirder. Unhelpfully, I am struggling to think what - but perhaps you get what I mean?