Hansel and Gretel are wondering along a valley in a forest.
Gretel: You are, such a bloody idiot!
Hansel: Shut up Gret. Since when did you know ev-er-y-thing around here?
Gretel: Since I wasn’t the one who forgot to bring enough bread.
Hansel: Yeah, well.
Gretel: (Does a full turn) We are in the middle of nowhere!
Hansel: Oh, come on! Where’s your sense of adventure? I mean, (Looks at trees) Dad won’t be complaining about the lack of fresh air out here, there’s lots of, greenery. (Chuckles)
Gretel: Funny. You’re not funny.
Hansel: Loser.
Gretel: Dimwit.
(Walks for a few meters in utter silence)
Hansel: Actually, it was dad’s fault. He left us out here for the afternoon.
Gretel: You really are thick. Get the full picture, it was step mother. She hates us, wanted to get rid of us from the start. Haven’t you seen the fairy times lately?
Hansel: If you’re talking about what happened to that spoilt brat princess who fell asleep, I thought that was witch talk.
Gretel: Watch your mouth!
Hansel: I can’t. My nose is too big. (Laughs)
Gretel: Damn you! And don’t you bloody dare talk back because you must remember what happened the last time I hit you? (Grins)
Hansel: Yep. Clearly.
(Walks for another few metres in silence)
Gretel: What were you doing with that Goldilocks over by the lake yesterday?
Hansel: Nothing. (Stares at the passing trees)
Gretel: Sure. And I fancy Rumpelstiltskin.
Hansel: That’s what’s hidden under your pillow all the time!
Gretel: (Hits him very hard) No. That’s the letter I received from Golden Valley School of Craftwork, actually. (Smiles)
Hansel: You what? No way. No way! How? But, I didn’t, oh my goodness.
Gretel: You see? Dad always liked me more and that’s exactly why. Who can’t tell the difference between a saw and a spatula? I mean, come on. You’re the bigger brother with the smaller brain. How, odd. (Smiles evilly)
Hansel: (Lowers tone) Don’t push it sis. Just don’t.
Gretel: Remember to bring more bread next time.
Hansel: Will do.
Gretel: How’s Jack?
Hansel: He fell down a hill, what do you think?
Gretel: Only asking. Wow, you really wanted that place didn’t-
Hansel: How’s Jill?
Gretel: Her brother just fell down a hill. Do you need me to finish?
(Stares at a distant but steadily approaching cottage)
Gretel: Is that a-?
Hansel: Sis, you seriously deserve a slap sometimes you know. I mean, ever since-
Gretel: Hansel, shut up.
Hansel: Why? Because there’s a cottage in the distance? I realised.
Gretel: Thanks for telling me. (Runs off to investigate)
Hansel: I wasn’t done with you! (Runs after Gretel and arrives at the cottage)
Gretel: It’s made of gingerbread.
Hansel: Where was this house when I needed the bread eh?
Gretel: (Moves steadily closer towards the house) Go inside?
Hansel: Are you crazy?
Gretel: Nope. You were the one who told me to find my sense of adventure.
(Runs to the front door)
Hansel: Gret! Get back here! (Chases after her)
Gretel: So?
(The light from the window suddenly switches on)
Hansel: I guess someone’s home.
Hope everyone likes this one. :D
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteMaking Gretel the more clever of the two is a good move. It would be stronger if Hansel were even more inept, but I think that could veer into cliche. As it is, the jokes are excellent (the Fairy Times, Hansel's line "where was this house when..."). As you've shown in earlier pieces, you have a natural ear for dialogue. I especially like the way you have the charcters interrupt each other.
I enjoyed the string of jokes in this piece, but there's not as much dramatic tension as some of your other work. A more focused situation might make this more powerful; however, the carefree attitude of the well-rounded characters is itself a subversion. Thanks.
I agree with pugnax really: great jokes, and wonderfully convincing conversational interruptions - but not quite enough dramatic tension to cohere the whole piece as a unified hole.
ReplyDeleteDon't misinterpret these comments though. I think your piece is typically adept and, in many respects, expertly done. It's just that sometimes excellent parts don't always fit together to make an excellent whole... :)
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI agree - the dialogue here is perfectly observed. It's always gratifying to see dialogue written which, when read aloud, sounds entirely natural - well done.
The stage directions, in general, are excellent - exactly what is required. Just one strikes me as slightly problematic - the "distant but steadily approaching cottage" causes slight difficulties for staging purposes. Would you convey this with scenery physically moving? I think it works just as well - if not better - to have the actor simply making it clear to the audience that they are approaching the cottage, but in this case you wouldn't need to say in the first instance that it is "distant" (this is difficult to convey onstage).
This is a highly original piece of work that fits the requirement of subversion perfectly - very well done. I look forward to seeing more of your writing.
Penny
Play on the deficiencies in Hansel's character, make him more inept and Gretel more intellectual. I think you can push it a little further. Maybe have him isolating Gretel so much that she is about to abandon him. I think that would be a good way to approach some of the problems mentioned above, esp. lack of dramatic tension.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the light switching on just as they reached the cottage, a nice touch, adds a level of foreboding and sinister feel after the comedy of your dialogue. I was able to visualise it well.
I was also keen on the character's being attuned to other fairy tales, quite self aware in a way, and this network between the character's you have created, the bickering and squabbling. Very good. Perhaps elaborate on those relationship a little more though.
Your language and grammar is good and you show good control of your dialogue but Fairy Times needs capitals and italics.
Good work.
Hey there
ReplyDeleteNothing much to add to what's been said already. As usual, you have a natural flow to this piece, good dialogue, convincing dynamic between your characters. The in-jokes are clever and funny, and the referencing of other fairy tales opens it up a bit and makes it that bit sharper. I do agree though that for a self-contained piece this needs more tension or more of a focal point. It reads a bit like an in-between scene, lots of entertaining, back-and-forth banter, but not that much 'edge'. I think putting your characters more 'under threat' (either from the outside, or as simon suggested, the threat of abandoning each other) could really bring out some darker aspects - fear, resentment, jealousy....
good going!