(A man and his wife sit in the veranda and silently watch their pet dog Fluffy.)
Harry: can’t believe it’s almost time.
Jill: please Harry, can we not go through this again
Harry: so when do you propose we go through this because as you well know the clock is ticking.
Jill: I don’t propose we go through this at all; I’ve made my decision, end of story.
Harry: so what I don’t get a say, despite the fact I’ve helped build its life.
Jill: it’s not yours you didn’t want him in the first place.
Harry: well he’s been here for 13 weeks now and I already feel like he is a part of the family.
Jill: we move house, acquire a little something on the way and your saying IT’s a part of the family?
Harry: that’s exactly what I’m saying. Just because he can’t tell us how he feels doesn’t give you the right to slaughter him.
Jill: Oh shut up Harry! You and I both know we can’t cope.
Harry: no we don’t because we haven’t even tried.
Jill: (attempts to respond. But stops)
Jill: its getting dark I think we should bring him in now.
Harry: let him savour the last bits of sunlight
Jill: no. (shouts) Fluffy…time for dinner! (Jill heads towards the house with fluffy following close behind her)
Harry: goodnight Fluffy! (Dog barks and exits beside Jill leaving Harry alone with his thoughts.)
Harry: that’s the last I’ll ever see of him: my unborn son. The abortions tomorrow then I guess that’s that (heads off towards the house)Harry: goodnight Flynn, miss you already (a single tear falls from his face)
Hi Sparky
ReplyDeleteThis is a really strong piece of writing. The sorrow shown by both characters really comes through, and there is a real sense of taut emotions about to spiral out of control.
I like the confusion you set up, that the conversation is about what we can see and that the creature that doesn't know what is going to happen to it we first think is the dog. And this brings some strong emotions into play - thoughts such as 'how can you do this because you do not want this dog. How cruel!'
And yet these feelings we could have for the foetus too. But we don't, because we cannot see it.
This is a powerful subject and you have chosen the right way of bringing attention to it, and of showing emotion through it.
When Jill wants to bring the dog in and Harry wants 'him' to savour the sunlight, these two lines for me are pivotal, because this is when we realise that what we thought was happening isn't happening. Perhaps you need more of a dramatic response from Jill as her emotions threaten to overwhelm her?
And Harry could even laugh and pat the dog, but be incredibly upset?
The ending for me is too sudden and brutal. You may need more of a gradual lead up to the ending. And Harry cannot say 'that's the last I'll ever see of him, my unborn son', because he has not yet seen him (unless it was on a scan picture!)
Could Harry talk aloud instead about the person his son could have been? This could lead to a stronger ending as we realise what Jill is about to do and we are not so brutally told what she is going to do?
But well done! Thought this was excellent.
Best wishes
ann g
Hey,
ReplyDeleteWow - that's a really great idea, and you carry it off fantastically. You deserve to be really proud.
I won't repeat ann, as she's already given pointers towards the ending, but I will say that that last line could be shown in other ways. Other than that the build up is subtle and tense - great work.
Another tiny point is that you use a semi colon ';' in your speech. i know I've maybe said this before, but it's really useful to get into the habit of keeping grammar simple in scripted speech - actors can't interpret anything more complex than a full stop or comma. It's not their fault :)
It would be ace to see this piece acted out, for that matter. I must stress it's a very good scene, and I look forward to whatever you're working on next.
Well done again, and take care,
Andy
A very clever scenario indeed, with a highly original and skilful twist after a very successful build-up of tension. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHowever, good though your dialogue is, I think the weakness of the piece lies in the ending lies, as Ann says, in your ending, which is too abrupt and 'in your face'. The subtlety you had managed until then CAN be sustained until the end: maybe a slightly longer script would have helped; perhaps stage directions could have told us what we needed to know (e.g. stroking her tummy) or some subtle comment from her. Do you see what I mean?