A young woman sits in a first class area of a train, staring at a woman on the other side of the carriage that is sat reading herbook.
Mildrid: (talking to her self ) Twenty-Five years and i've finally found her, the woman i've been looking for all my life
(She gets up and moves to the chair next to the other women and clears her throat)
Mildrid: Ermmm excuse me ( clears her throat again ) Excuse me!
Heather: Yes ( a startled shake in her voice ) Can I help you?
Mildrid: Ermm yes if you could. I was jsut wondering were you got your amazing necklace?
Heather: (while nervously fidling with her necklace) O you like it I purchased it while on a rendez-vous in Italy.
Mildrid: O did you! It looks suprisingly enough like one i got my mother on her birthday, the birthday before she left to go to Italy, isn't that wierd.
Heather: ( Suprised look on her face, lets go of her necklace and edges back) O wow really!
Mildrid: ( edges forward appearing to look at the necklace ) Really! ( lets out a fake laugh )
Heather: ( A defensive tone in her voice ) Well I don't know what you're trying to imply but I don't appreciate it!
Mildrid: ( a subtle but upset almost hurt, tone in her voice ) Mum how can u act like you don't know who I am? You just left me how could you do such a thing?
Heather: ( suprised but shaky tone of voice ) Ermmm excuse me i thi-
( Mildrid stands up leaning over heather invading her personal space )
Mildrid: ( getting infuriated ) Mum just answer the question!
Heather: ( raising her voice defensivly ) But excuse me, I think you find I don-
Mildrid: ( almost shouting ) Why are you rejecting me?
( Mildrid begins to shout at the top of her voice )
Heather: ( shouting to get heard ) I really don't know what you are talking about!
Mildrid: (still shouting ) O don't you now! Your Lorraine Werein are you or are you not! Did you have a child in chica-
Heather: ( Shouts at the top of her voice with hands out in defensive motion) My names Heather Bush not whatever you said i-
Mildrid: ( lowers her voice and sits back down) Wait your names not Lorraine Werein?
Heather: ( a bit disturbed ) No it's not it's -
Mildrid: ( ashamed, embaressed and let down voice very low) O sorry.
(Mildrid gets up and returns to her seat and keeps her head bowed for the rest of the train journey)
Hi Shani,
ReplyDeleteI like the way that you’ve interpreted the painting. You’ve definitely picked up on a certain ambiguous expression on the face of the lady in red.
I am very impressed with your approach to the dialogue, too. You really inject aggressive energy into the scene by having the characters interrupt and talk over one another. It’s a technique that the dramatist Caryl Churchill uses quite a bit, and it can really make her plays feel dynamic. I can imagine that the tension in your piece would come across well on stage thanks to this lively, fast-paced dialogue.
I know that this is meant to be a short, snappy piece, but I do think that perhaps the scene would work better if it was more drawn out. That way you could increase the tension more slowly, and introduce the central ideas more gradually. At the moment it feels as if you’re trying to squeeze quite a lot of back story into a limited space.
However, this is a very imaginative piece of work, and I really enjoyed the way that you transformed the painting into such a sad story about a girl’s thwarted search for her mother.
Helen
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff there, shani. You've really made something original from that painting. I know Helen's already covered a lot of good stuff, so I won't repeat her.
I think it's fantastic that you turn this into Mildrid's problem, rather than the actual mother. The power of the conversation shifts completely from beginning to end. It's very engaging throughout, and I think if you wanted to you could change a couple of things to strengthen it even more.
Firstly I'm not sure that it's necessary to have Mildred say that bit about finally finding her mother at the start. You throw us into that crackling dialogue so effortlessly that I don't think you need anything to indroduce it.
Similarly I think you could do something to suggest Mildred's insecurity, rather than have her realise completely her mistake at the end. An example would be having anther lady sit in the carriage wearing the same necklace - that way she's undermined after Heather's left.
They're just ideas though - and I'm really just suggesting them for if you wanted to play around with it at all. Maybe do a quick re-read for the odd typo (jsut) too. Other than that this is really good drama. Well done, and take care,
Andy
I was hoping that it would end as it did, with Mildrid being exposed as something of a desperate fantasist, but I agree with the others that her response and the subsequent consequences could have been slightly more developed; even a couple more lines or stage directions would have permitted the audience an invaluable insight into what makes this fascinating woman tick.
ReplyDeleteAs for the dialogue, I agree, too, that it is very convincingly and skilfully drawn - and I urge you to take up Helen's suggestion of reading some Churchill, as I think you would really like what you found.
Well done!