Sunday, 18 May 2008

Track 2: Heartbeat

My body lowered itself deep into the heartlessness of the cold sea. I could feel my heartbeat: dee dum dee dum dee dum. A simultaneous beating of my heart with an iambic pentameter. I was getting deeper and deeper into the water. Down. Down. Down DOWN. I knew I was beginning to lose conciousness the minute my eyes wouldn't keep away. They wanted to sleep. They wanted ME to sleep. Fond memories played about in my head like broken records; mere reminicsenses of my life in pieces; different stages perhaps. Like the time daddy would take me to the park, engaging in our little picnics. Or mother and father both telling me how proud they were of my greatest achievements in life. These flashbacks were so self consumed in my head I didn't know what to focus on. My good times or the fact that I was still unconcious in the freezing water. I smiled inside my head just thinking about my childhood experiences. I wonder what daddy would've done if he knew about this near death experience I was in now. He would've jumped and gone in for me. Daddy's little girl. I wonder where daddy is now. I miss him ever so much. I'm just wishing I'd wake up. I can feel myself rising to the top of the surface now. That's it. My eyes are live.
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4 comments:

  1. Shani1519 May 2008 at 07:04

    I think some of the language you used in here was really good! I can litereally see the whole thing in my head just happening while i was reading it!

    Very good! I really liked it!

    X.Shani.X
    P.S: By da way ur bound 2 get extra points by putting iambic pentameter in it lol!!!

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  2. pugnax24 May 2008 at 05:15

    Hi,

    There so much that's fresh and original in this. The use of the passive voice in the beginning is superb, reflecting the charcter's initial (though not entirely unpleasant) helplessness. This makes the switch to active voice in the last line even more powerful. Using the passive voice in this way is a brave move, and shows you have real confidence in your talent. The only way the piece might be improved (in my opinion) is if you continue this experimental vein by writing the flashbacks as actual fragments - a kind of prose-poetry. I really think this is one of your best submissions. Hope to see you on the 4th.

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  3. englishguru28 May 2008 at 07:42

    I agree that this is one of your best pieces so far. So well done you!!! :) There are countless nuggets of creative brilliance here - e.g. "Fond memories played about in my head like broken records; mere reminiscences of my life in pieces"..." is absolutely, flawlessly fantastic!

    When you talk about your eyes, I find myself getting a little confused though - so look again at those bits. I also think it is somewhat needless and disempowering to talk about this as a "near death experience" - not only is that something of a cliche, but it also removes any suspense from the piece.

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  4. Helen29 May 2008 at 03:44

    Hi Sugadust,

    I am totally in love with this piece! It is brave and brilliant. You have really got into the spirit of the task, I think, abandoning conventional story-telling in favour of a stream of images. I think that your use of repetition ('Down. Down. Down DOWN.') really brings the poetic qualities of this piece to the reader's attention.

    I was also impressed by the fact that you've made the voice of the piece talk almost to herself. It is 'daddy' (use a capital D here, as you are using the word as a name) rather than 'my daddy'. This contributes to the powerful and pervasive strangeness of the piece. I was very aware of the ebb and flow of the protagonist's consciousness.

    There are a couple of points when you lose confidence, I think, and go back to explaining things in a conventional way ('I knew I was beginning to lose consciousness...', 'These flashbacks were so self-consumed...'). You don't need to provide these. All in all, though, this is just awesome.

    I am very impressed, Sugadust. Well done!

    Helen

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