He landed steadily, comfortably and without a sound. The parachute folded easily back into its bag and he left it there next to the wall behind a large metal crate. Footsteps in the distance were getting quickly closer and without any hesitation he was in the shadows once again. The door was close by just up the corridor near 20 yards.
Suddenly a stampede of hooves at high speed. This was his chance. The unicorns came to a halt outside the Large Sky Fortress's only entrance. Once it was opened Alex lashed out from the shadows and down the corridor at full speed, he wasn't going to make it. The gate was near closing, he jumped head first. Everything seemed slow motion, it was now or never as soon as the gate slammed down, the lasers were out.
The first few shots were easy, he always had an eagle eye. He spun on his heals and slid across the floor on his side fingers at a ready. As soon as the next few targets were in sight it didn't take him long to take them out too. The next lot came running from the right, with heavy armor and machine lasers. Alex knew there was no where to run but up, it took him one nano grenade to take out the front line of the soldiers and one smoke bomb for him to quickly climb up into an air vent.
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteA sci-fi thriller! And the strength of such stories is in the description, and through this their ability to take the reader to another believable world.
You have the skeleton of such a thriller here, and some of the things are in place - the hero fighting his way towards and out of something, the different world, the unusual creatures. You need more description though to bring it more to life!
From the start, I need to know where your character has landed. Is it daylight? Night time? Is there a daylight or night time as we know it?
He is suddenly in a corridor. How did he get from where he landed to the corridor?
How do the stampeding hooves sound? How does this make him feel? What do the unicorns look like? I want to know what they look like!
What does the large sky fortress look like? The gate he has to get through - where is it and where does it lead to?
When he is trapped and the gate is about to descend...try making that last sentence into three!!
'It was now or never. The gate slammed down. The lasers were out.' See how that racks up the tension.
When he starts shooting - what is he shooting at? What do the creatures he shots at look like? What are 'the next few targets'? And how is he feeling now? Exhilarated? James Bond calm?
Who are 'the next lot'? What does their 'heavy armour' look like?
Why is there nowhere to run? What happened - visually - when he threw the nano grenade? What is a nano grenade?? How did the smoke bomb help him to escape? What did that look like?
Sorry about all of the questions! But you are trying to build a new world here and you need to have us see and live it as your character does. If you really go for some exploration, let your mind really be creative, you will end up with a really thrilling, believable sci-fi story!
And I want to know what happens next!!
Try reading some Sci-Fi and see how they create a world that you can believe in.
hope this helps.
Best wishes
ann g
Excellent fantasy writing - a genre in which you are clearly comfortable (and, perhaps, the main genre of choice for your own reading?). There is always a risk writing in a favourite genre though, as it can stifle originality - so keep an eye on that too?
ReplyDeleteI thought it fitted the music perfectly, and I was totally sucked into the danger and excitement of your protagonist's predicament. Just be careful with your sentence punctuation though, as things become a little blurred here and there...