Track 19
Truman struggled, stooped, out the doctor’s door into sunlight solely meant for those nurturing growth. Heat, a burnt-out nurse‘s feverish palm, irritated his wan neck. He limped til shade, some, just some semblance of oasis, allowed his frame to creak and fold onto the Council’s metal bench.
He lit his last fag, flouting all Reason of the terminally healthy, and sucked smoke deep into scarred lungs. The tests were negative. Not a thing wrong. Nothing.
Silently keening - gut to throat, no further - Truman tried to seek beyond himself. Lives, purposeful lives, so many, streamed along the pavement towards horizons which demanded no change of direction. Care no further than the nearest café, the next meeting.
Across the high street sat a tramp. Stock-still. Mere subjective motion, flickering from the brief gaps between high-end motors. An incessant, ephemeral zebra crossing no pedestrian would brave without codified traffic lights.. Truman would never see the tramp’s eyes, but with this meagre purchase he softened back into the bench. He allowed his song to escape, seep, smoke-stained, from his parched lips. The aleatory music of the streets harmonised, a low hum, some, just some human pleading. Stay, a moment, one, just one moment. Please.
A starched collar flicked an indeterminate coin into the tramp’s upturned cap. Stirring from his stupor, he clasped the coin and stumbled around the corner. Too soon. Truman stifled his song. Stuffed his ears. Took a last drag to singe skin to skins to skin. Stepped out into the sun and weaved his way along somewhere out beyond but ever-bounded.
Hello Pugnax,
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really fabolous piece of material you have produced.
You create such a vivid picture as you describe Truman coming out of the "doctor's door into sunlight"...etc... and you gave me a whole new view on how to turn simple sentences into more interesting ones - "allowed his frame to creak and fold onto the council's metal bench" instead of saying something like "He sat down on the coucil's bench" This was really inspiring as in my writing, I usually just state the obvious!
I take it his run-in with the doctor really awoke him to the fact that his lungs were "scarred". I found it quite humorous that although the doctor had given him words, he still had to have his "last fag"!
I think your sentence structure was brilliant as you used contrast between the sentences; both long and short.
However, although this piece was excellent and really inspiring, I didn't quite understand where this it was going. Perhaps it was to do with the song not really going somewhere???
Thank you for loooking at my work too for so long, it's been a real help. I hope I've somehow helped with my review as overall it was FANTASTIC!!!
Thankyou again,
jaffercake :-D
Hi Jaffercake,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for interpreting my piece. Anything I write feels dead until a reader, and especially a fellow writer, engages with it.
You've helped me see a flaw in the original draft which changed what I'd intended. But your perceptive reading (based on my faulty writing) has revealed possibilities I hadn't considered. That's what I mean about the reader giving life to the writing. So, again, thanks for your effort.
Try not to be so humble about your writing. It's been a pleasure reading your work, especially the dark, daring sense of humour. I think it was a couple of tasks ago, but your animation of the clouds stopping the thunder has stayed with me. You often go well beyond obvious descriptions.
I'm glad my comments have helped, and hope to read more if/when things resume.
pax,
pugnax
Pugnax, great writing I really enjoyed reading it, it gave me quite a challenge. Took me a while to understand some of it and took me a longer while to see how to improve it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really understand where the "song" bit was leading maybe you could tell me a bit more about that?
Overall I agree with Jaffercake the structure and description of the writing is excellent. Very well written :D
Thanks.
Hey pugnax,
ReplyDeleteWow. I agree with both Jaffacake and Fizzy, you really do have something special here.
I noticed quite quickly how challenging and powerful you make the simplest of things. The 'sunlight' that 'solely' aided growth and the 'shade' that resembled an 'oasis' are very powerful interpretations; they work to your favour.
I really captured the sense of Truman and what he was feeling in this piece. This line especially;
'Lives, so purposeful lives, so many..' Your use repetition and rule of three to manipulate and capture his thoughts are woven into the writing extremely well.
Maybe adding to the description of Truman's surroundings could enlight the reader some more?
Enjoyed your piece a lot,
E.
Hi Fizzy and eternity.forever,
ReplyDeleteYou've both added to the life of the piece as I described in my note to jaffacake. It's very rewarding, thanks again to all of you.
You've all put more effort into reading this than many so-called experts who say my work is overly complicated - a good sign for the future.
I will use all of your perceptive criticisms and re-write. I do take care with each word, and do not intentionally try and confuse the reader; but I also respect the interpretations of people who read with effort and revise accordingly.
eternity.forever, you know how much I've admired your work these past months - keep pushing the limits of that strong voice. Fizzy, especial thanks for reading my work even though I wasn't your moderator. I've just looked at your last submission and there's and ethereal quality there, a sense of rhythm that compels me to read the other work you've done this year.
Have a great summer, and I hope to read more of your work in future.
pax