A Lovers View.
The soft grass swirled gently back and forth as the breezed pushed it into its desired direction. The trees randomly lost leaves hear and there and let them come fluttering down to the floor in a spiralling movement. In the middle of all this there stood something which had a sort of luminous glow of its own. Perhaps another of natures beauty yet accidentally too beautiful; rare and unique.
Soft delicate shape, each detail perfected. Each curve seemed as smooth as silk. Every movement immaculately done. Sun rays shining off like almost as if a sun in itself. The sound striking to any ear. The colour was extremely white and shining, enough to replace a moon in the night.
Her thick hair waved in the wind as if trying to fly. Her lips carved perfectly onto her face with in just the right position; brightly pink coloured. Her cheek bones outstanding and rosy red. Her small delicate nose fitted accurately with everything else. Her smile outshone a lamp in a dark room and brought warmth to the atmosphere. Her enormous dazzling eyes clearly the key features of her face could leave anyone speechless for days on hold.
Her subtle footsteps made no sound at all. Her hands waved freely in the air, each nail glimmering boldly. I stood there, my gaze fixed upon her eyes unable to move, un-wanting to move. She was moving towards me. Adrenaline started to build up. Tension was rising. She didn't say word. She stopped in front of me and I waited for something, anything. It was a worthwhile wait as I soon realised. Something lifted me off the floor and into the air. A sensational feeling, one I'd never experienced before and I knew I never would again. I closed my eyes and let my self drown slowly into the fact her lips were fixed upon mine.
Sorry I'm Late? :$
Wow! This is powerful stuff, and the narrator's transformation in the presence of the beauty of his lover is strikingly realised. Both your choice of vocabulary and your use of similes bring the experience to life even further, and it is compelling to read.
ReplyDeleteHowever, on a number of occasions, some of your descriptive sentences lack a verb; and so you EITHER need to give them a verb (e.g. Perhaps IT WAS another of nature's beautie...) or you need to join it to the previous sentence as a clause with a comma (e.g. ...of its own, perhaps another of nature's beauties...). Do you see what I mean? See if you can find the other examples of where this is a problem.
The other thing I particularly like about this piece is how it builds up, systematically and steadily, to a powerful climax, and, as such, your use of structure is highly effective too. Well done!
verbs or commas
Hi Fizzy
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed reading this. Got a real sense of being in a particular ethereal place with your narrator.
You can make this stronger by really staying with description to keep us in this landscape, and by staying away from personal opinion, which moves us out of your constructed landscape. So, instead of saying the trees are randomly losing their leaves, just stay with the description of this happening.
There are some lovely descriptions of the woman approaching, and what your narrator sees, but again stay with the impression this woman has on your narrator, what her movments look like, and avoid things like 'each curve as smooth as silk' and 'each movement immaculately done'. I like the curves being as smooth as silk, but I would like a description to really show that smoothness to me. Perhaps if the silk were wrapped around something, draped over something. And how are her movements 'immaculately done'?
You have some lovely descriptive sentences in this - 'her hair waving in the wind', 'lips carved perfectly on her face' and these really put me in front of this woman, looking at her, seeing how beautiful she is. But beware of going too far with describing individual facial features! Perhaps you have enough with her hair and lips and can then go with the effect her face has on him as she draws nearer.
I thought that your last 3 sentences were excellent. The preceding sentences that start this final para need to be looked at again, I think. You may need to use less 'heavy' descriptions of this woman's approach. How about really staying with your narrator here, really getting under his skin to write about the effect her approach is having on him. His sight is fixed by the vision of her and can offer no more commentary, so how about going with sound instead? What can he hear of her approach? What does he hear as tension builds? How does he know his adrenaline is rising?
You can really build up the tension that he is feeling at this point, to suggest it through description, rather than merely tell us it is happening. Then the tension will be nicely in place to meet your final 3 sentences where your narrator achieves some sort of consummation.
Hope this helps!
Best wishes
ann g