A powerful sense of déjà vu crawled through my veins and tickled the back of my neck as I surveyed the scene. Tumultuous waves of emotion, not entirely unexpected, washed over me and I was transported back in time. Pain ripped through the barriers that time had installed, tossing them aside like a petulant child would an old, unwanted toy.
Daisies danced in the sunlight, they held hands and swayed rhythmically in the gentle breeze, encouraging the busy insects who came to probe, collect and then move on to another, equally willing, host.
Ants busied themselves at the base of a tree stump, too busy to notice me, reliving my ‘childhood’. The grass smelt freshly cut even though it came up to my thighs in places, poking, prodding, exploring. The absence of birdsong was disturbing, I cocked my head to one side trying to pick up the concerto of sound. Nothing. Splashes created by a distant stream were the only sound that trickled through my consciousness that and my relentless heartbeat quickening as I drew closer to the place that I had denied knowledge of for so many years . I never saw that stream, at times, I doubted its existence, that is, when I wasn’t doubting my own.
The house itself remained unchanged. Extraordinary in its simplicity. Perhaps that was the point; a simplistic veneer hiding many complexities. The shadow it cast on its surroundings made even the daisies it was denying sunlight, cower, shiver and move closer together for comfort.
Firstly, let me stress what a welcome addition to wordvoodoo you provide - and I do hope you continue to find the time to post, as the blog would, indeed, be a poorer place without you...
ReplyDeleteThe evocation of a pastoral realm is expertly done, with nature brought vividly and poetically to life throughout. Little details - the movement of a flower, the routines of a little insect - are observed with meticulous and compelling detail.
Where I become a little confused is in the dichotomy between the benign and the malevolent. Whether or not the piece is supposed to be taken literally, it seems to be about a re-visit to a place from childhood, unearthing the sinister nature of what happened there. But I am not always clear where the safety ends and the danger begins. For example, the deja vu "tickling" seems mischievous rather than threatening, and I am unsure why time's "barriers" are old and unwanted, when it seems their necessity is paramount. Also I am not sure when exactly the daisies stop dancing and start cowering - or maybe there is simply some temporal reorganisation necessary here...?
The third paragraph is, perhaps, less ambiguous, and I especially like the second sentence therein. The disturbing juxtaposition of the summery, innocent smell of cut grass with the blades actually exploring (and almost violating) the forbidden domain of your thighs sharpens our focus on what may have happened in this sinister time and place.
And the final sentence is, I think, brilliant, creating a savage contrast between the ruthless building and the natural world unable to protect itself against its evil.
As a first draft, I genuinely think this is magnificent; but I think it cries out for a second draft to reorientate slightly the journey from light to dark (and also to replace a couple of those commas with the semi-colon which should be there).
Hey, Chocoholic,
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad to have been refered to your work - this is great stuff.
You seem to really enjoy the language in this piece. Words like 'tumultuous' and phrases such as 'extraordinary in its simplicity' are well placed and flow beautifully.
I also find you imagery evocative - I can tell that you've thought through everything in your imaginary world, and that attention to sensory detail works so well alongside this task.
I love the riddle of 'I doubted its existence, that is, when I wasn't doubting my own' - it fits well with the idea of wandering thoughts. I do think that there's some stuff that would benifit from a reread - but they're all picky things: it's not that you need to rethink what you're doing, because it works, but there are sections of logic that you need to resolve.
Just to start you off: I love the daisies running through your piece (sorry that sounds so wierd), but there's little bits, like their 'holding hands' which extends the image a bit beyond what you can really see in a daisy. (I did say this would be picky - it's only cos the rest is so good).
Also, the flow of decription is generally great, but I'd like to see one of the 'sound's gone from the third paragraph, cos they come close together, and any word repetition like that takes away from how well it reads.
This is fantastic stuff - I'm glad I got to read it. I hope you're proud of it, and I wish you luck with your next piece. Take care,
Andy