Me. Afraid, scared and alone. Or maybe I wasn't really alone. I had my imagination to keep me company. I'd sit there and reminisce on the good times; me frolocking around local fields, making daisy chains with the unattended flowers that lay there in peace. Me so peaceful and serene, watching everything take place in the comfort of my own lonesomeness. Alone. It didn't matter though. I was happiest like this. I remember when it would me just me and Daddy. Good times - as he would put it. Me and him together without a care in the world, to be quite frank - there was no need to care about anything, because I was with Daddy, and that was all that REALLY mattered.
That was then. I remember the night of his murder: closer, Closer, CLOSER. The unknown lurked up on daddy, without giving him room to think - or breathe. He'd edge up towards Daddy pushinig him infact into the dark of the outside world out of the window. I cried. What was I to do? "Come closer Sweetheart, I won't hurt you" he'd mutter. But he did. He hurt me in ways word coudn't describe. He'd hurt my heart, broken it infact; Daddy didn't have a place to live anymore. It was almost like his house had gotton blown away - or in this case, broken and shattered. My heart. I still don't remember his face - that warlock. Yet I'll always remember how te took daddy from me. He was a murderer.
Maybe I should stop all the trash talk - Daddy would call it. Talking about the unneccessaries to life. Almost like his death infact. He'd almost minimize the hugest events in life. That was daddy for you. Oh how I missed him after he left. I'm used to it now. I'm used to being alone. Yet It doesn't bother me. Im happiest like this.
BUT WHY DID DADDY LEAVE ME? The question that wouldn't leave my head. He was horrible. I hate him. He didn't save himself. He doesn't care about me. No one does. Why did he allow it to get this far? Why did daddy leave me? I'm all on my own now, without no one. Daddy didn't care. So why should anyone else? Daddy was always in charge. But I hate him. He left me. Just like everyone else is. I don't mind though. I'm happiest like this.
Hi sugadust,
ReplyDeleteI think the way you repeat "infact" really adds an important layer to this piece. The narrator is struggling with distancing from the horrid event, just as the father "minimized" important events. This mirrors the struggle to maintain a stance of happiness when alone - "happiest" - using this superlative shows the desperation for this to be true.
This is a very sophisticated psychological depiction of such a difficult struggle.
"he left me. Just like everyone else is." The tense shift is initially jarring, which wakes the reader up to how very present this recollection of the past is.
There a some nice poetic touches - especially the "unattended flowers" and "dark into the outside world"; however, the plain, raw prose that dominates is appropriate and effective. Thanks. Powerful stuff.
pax
Hi Sugadust.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your piece. It has some really lovely, poetic moments in it, and you seem to be really aware of the sound and the rhythm of your words. I think that the assonance of '... my own lonesomeness. Alone.' is wonderful!
I’m also very impressed by the way that you evoke childhood within this context of sadness and loss. The repetition of the word 'Daddy' works really well, and I like the fairy-tale quality of 'It was almost like his house had gotton blown away'.
I think it would be a good idea to make parts of this piece a little clearer. I wasn't quite sure what was going on in the second paragraph, and I think that a few concrete details would have helped me to orientate myself. What is the relationship between Daddy and the interloper, for example? What room are they in?
There are a few little spelling mistakes and so on, but this piece does have real potential. Thank you for posting!
Helen