Mary-Jane. Mary-Jane; the Queen of Fame. We watch her as she sits in her dressing room. Scarlett Lips, Matte, Porcelain skin and Slate painted eyes. She's headlining tonight- the star of the show. She's nervous, we can see it in her eyes but she knows how to calm herself down, she knows the perfect way: Charlie. She looks beautiful as she lines him up on the cold dressing table. She looks angelic as she snorts him up and we see her pretty eyes roll to the back of her head. She is calm and ready. Ready for the show.
Her heart is pounding like a fist make of lead inside her, she feels as if its going to pound right through her breaking her delicate rib bones. She's nervous.No. Exited. She can hear the crowd, she waits for her cue; she's the main attraction. All those people, waiting to see her. She'll be amazing though, she knows it, especially with Charlie for support.She's having doubts...No. Nerves, just the nerves...
"Please put your hands together for Mary-Jane!..."
"Shit" we hear her stutter, she has no time to check her costume or make-up. Before she knows it, she's up...
The audience roar with cheers and applause! They jump out of their seats pronto and whistle for Mary-Jane. The band begins to play, the audience are seated, the lights dim. The cymbals crash like the harsh sea against tough rocks, the piano kicks in with arpeggios and scales and chords! There she goes, doing what she does best. We watch as she parades around the stage, feathers waltzing and the tassels on her dress shaking. Her hair looks beautiful in the spotlight, like a river of liquidized honeycomb and gold. Her voice box blares out the sweetest sound as she twirls about, the spotlight is so bright, it blinds her; but she loves it. Dashing Gentlemen in the audience whistle suggestively at her. The music is so loud its deafening, everything is caught in the moment, her voice, her dance, the band, the applause; its all just so alive.
Halt. She is still, the band is silent the light is shining. Is this part of the act? We don't know. She stares out into the audience, the light is so dim, all she can see is the glistening of their eyes like stars twinkling and shining on her. The audience: silent, of course, they are memorized by her eyes, once so full of life, now, they are dead fossils set in her skull. We wait...whats the surprise? No-one knows. What is she planning? She's a angel set in stone, no movement or sound.
The cymbals suddenly crashes and she falls on her knees, decorating the floor like a colourful woven carpet: all sparkle and colour. The audience gasps, is it part of the show? The lights dim, the atmosphere grows thicker, this is the result of Jazz and Liquor.
Hi Chex,
ReplyDeleteGood to see you back. The metaphors and similes in this are original and effective. Iron fist, cymbals like sea crashing, river of honeycomb and gold, and best: eyes as fossils in her skull. I know that simile is often necessary for rhythm, but metaphor is ususally more compact and therefore more powerful. Can I steal the fossils bit? :)
Beginning and ending with rhythmic rhyme is well handled. The piece only lags for me when some extraneous words clutter things a bit. Especially some of the descriptions of action (The crowd roars...) If the rhythm is there for your voice, then still try and use more concrete, startling words. You show the ability (especially in those metaphors) just make every word count.
I'm a bit confused about the narrator. It needs to be omniscient to convey Mary Jane's feelings, but, for me gets muddled when it morphs into the audiences' perspective. But maybe I'm not getting something.
I'm not sure it totally captures the pattern of the music we listened to, but as a piece of writing it has great potential. A bit of editing, and I think you're there.
pax,
pugnax
Hiya!
ReplyDeleteThis is a strong piece of writing, definitely a good note to finish on! You evoke a sense of place and atmosphere very effectively - the noise, the lights, the frenzied sense of things: it's very good, very well done. I think at times, though,you can slim it down with adjective use or additional descriptions... ' like the harsh sea against tough rocks' - i think losing one or both of the adjectives gives it more directness, power, immediacy.
I feel, like the previous comment, that the narrative perspective is a bit confusing. At some times we seem to be inside M-J's head, at other times, you very consciously make us into her audience with the 'we see', 'we hear' etc. I'm not convinced about this device in general - it's interesting, but the disadvantage is that it keeps your reader at a distance from the scene rather than feeling they can enter into it and become part of it. Think about what it adds to the piece - for example, is 'is this part of the act? we don't know' actually an improvement on 'is this part of the act?' The atmosphere and vitality of the scene are so strong, it seems a shame to create this sort of barrier to it.
As has previously been noted, there is some really lovely imagery here. Your description of the outfit, the audience, the feathers 'waltzing' etc - it's imaginative and evocative, and does a great job.
Congratulations, on this and on your year's progress!
claire