The day had almost come to an end; George spread himself out on his softly padded, king size bed in the middle of his eccentrically decorated Chamber of rest. He was a man who seemed to have had quite a few burgers and kebabs under his belt- plus a few fries as well. The day to allow his beloved offspring who had passed on to a better place, to finally rest was over to his relief. A tear, two no three tears simultaneously yet reluctantly leaked from George’s eyes one after the other. Why? you might be asking, not even I know the answer to that. He shut his eyes tightly so as not to see the truth of his wife’s end at 49, and was soon hallucinating of the last holiday that they had together in the hot, Humid Hawaiian tropics.
He reminisced about the 2 of them exchanging priest pleasing comments on each other’s image whilst also co-ordinating they’re feet to the rhythm of Queen on the stage, whilst Queen carelessly waved each of their precious and reliable instruments of individual harmonic symphonies in the alcohol filled atmosphere. Most of the people were much too intoxicated to even care let alone be aware of what was happening in their surroundings. It may have been this jolly atmosphere that provoked IT to happen, it may have been the atmospheric afternoon that had added petrol to fire, it may have been this atmospheric day that had been the detonator to a bomb. It may have been, George will never know for sure, not truthfully, all he can do is develop theories, they may have been controversial but they were theories none the less.
He heard a Bang! Bang! Bang! That’s when he realised that he had lost the lead connecting him to his beloved one. PANIC, DESPERATION, FEAR: these are what George felt at that moment, THE moment. He was petrified at the sight which was bestowed upon him, he could see a scarlet liquid dripping from the mouth, black and blue lumps of fear littered all around the horrifically battered body. His mouth shuddered at the many thoughts of what may have happened, after the shock of seeing it dangling down from a drain pipe.
A large, cold hand grabbed his shoulder and he immediately awoke from the heavenly dream turned nightmare. Beads of perspiration manoeuvred they’re way around George’s facial features, he was relieved that he was out of that world, but still reminiscing about that singular moment…
Hi, Life.
ReplyDeleteI can see that you've taken Mr Savage's instructions to heart and really *listened* to this track. The slow, melancholic opening is translated into George's sleepiness, and the surfy guitar sounds are represented by George's memories of the holiday. Then there is that burst of intensity - 'Bang! Bang! Bang!' - followed by an awakening. It's very interesting to see how you've used the music to trigger and structure this piece. Well done!
I did find some of it rather confusing, however. I was unclear about which character, if any, had actually died. You make reference to 'his beloved offspring' being laid to rest, but there is also talk about his 'wife's end at 49.' The narrator also questions why George is crying, which makes me as a reader question whether George is actually grieving at all. Do you see what I mean? I am also unsure about what really occurs during the "intense" section. What is the nature of the accident? Who is involved? What is dangling from the drain pipe? I think you could afford to make the prose a lot clearer here.
There is some good stuff in this piece, though. Many of the sentences are nicely written, and I really like the image of the beads of perspiration manoeuvring down George’s face.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Helen
Life...Hi
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece of writing. I liked the gradual build up to explosive tension, the writing gathering pace and intensity as the music does.
The enquiring tone of this piece is good, the sense of uncertainty in the heat, of torpor, heaviness. You show this well with your use of longer sentences, and by having your narrator talk about George, then addrss the reader. This movement away from George left lying on the bed, really gives a feeling of distance, of travel and by this, of tiredness.
You have quite a long sentence at the beginning of para two, and it really helps us to enter George's soporific dream world.
The questioning in this paragraph about what happened to George's wife sounds and feels fitful. This is good, this enquiry, this asking about what has happened, and one does this when drifting off into sleep and descending into a dream world.
I became confused in para 3 as to what had actually happened. A shooting? A bomb? And what are 'the black and blue lumps of fear'?
What dangled from the drain pipe?
You can really go with a detailed description of whaever fragmented images George recalls. He is right into his dream now, and is into another reality, so reality can take over.
In your final paragraph, just have George returning to the 'real' world he now inhabits, you do not need to tell us he has done so. We know he has returned from 'the heavenly dream turnd nightmare' but he still inhabits a nightmare. Perhaps you could do a little more with showing us this situation.
This is a really good piece of work, and you have used the sensation of the music to great literary effect. Well done!
Best wishes
ann g
Hey,
ReplyDeleteSome great description here: I, too, really like the "beads of perspiration manoeuvering". Your descriptive writing has come on so well - you should be proud of yourself! I think the "eccentrically decorated chamber of rest" is great.
However, the first paragraph seemed to jar slightly with the tone of the rest of the piece - and I think it comes down to that description, in fact. The picture we're given of George, who is comically described as podgy, reclining in his "eccentrically decorated" room, makes the reader think that we are in the realm of comedy; even when we're told he's crying, the situation has been set up so that we expect it's something rather insignificant and silly. When we learn that it's over his wife's death, the piece takes a much darker turn - which leaves the beginning looking very different in tone. It would be a shame to lose that lovely comic description, but perhaps it would work better in a different style of piece.
Just watch your punctuation throughout - there's a tendency to use commas where other punctuation (particularly dashes or semicolons) should be used.
Overall, a strong piece, with your distinctive flair coming through. Well done - and have a great summer!
Penny