She was alone. She was always alone and always left by herself; on her own. ET was a long necked freak, yet he still received love and attention and loyalty. She received nothing, nil, zippo. The dreamlike evening moonlight cradled her in its silent beams and welcomed her to the night; a night so filled with wonders and adventure. This was her way out; this was her sanity and its vanity.
She reached over and gently picked up the needle, the glistening liquid potion inside luring and seducing her into its vain reality, calling her. Finding the spot was tricky, there were so many to choose from, so many craving it.
“Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by its toe, eeny meeny miny, moe.”
The point pierced her skin, its spark and energy maneuvered and catapulted up her arm, the sensation tingling and travelling around her body. And then she closed her eyes, feeling the high. The room started shaking, moving, taking on a life of its own. Seconds later, she opened her eyes and bolted.
The world was spinning around her. Her quivering hands eventually unlocked the door and she sprinted down the stairs like potassium on water. The sounds of the rambling squat and junkies meant nothing to her, she was on a roll. Every sense in her body was on a sensational high, pricking and poking her; feeding her adrenaline; it was her oxygen. The cold air slapped her paling face and the wind rasped and clutched her naked feet; she ran and ran and continued running. The streets of New Jersey span around her, the lights reached out and punched her, making her giddy. Her small pupils sprang left and right, in a constant dance. Her chocolate brown nightgown dripped and tangled around her thin body, battered by the wind and strangled by beads of her sweat. She started panting, shouting, screaming out for help; but the sounds drained into the suburb.
She dropped to the floor, clutching the crumbling wall behind her, begging the sidewalk for a cushion of support. She clutched and strained her hair, the feeling of the potion slowly draining scared her. She would die without her life support. Eyes widened and mouths tutted as they passed this dying creature lying on the floor, so shaken by reality; they knew she was done for and she did too. She was alone again.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteSo many great images in this. Particularly, "cushion for comfort" for sidewalk, and "potassium on water". The pun "vain" is great because it isn't superficial, but adds to the meaning of the sentence. I'm still getting my head around, "her sanity and its vanity." Beautiful line, but the meaning changes for me if "its" refers to the moonlight or the drug. Both good, but an ambiguity you might want to consider.
The description of the nightgown is inspired, original. The shifting perspectives, passive to active and back work well to reflect her condition.
"the sounds drained into the suburb" is heartbreaking, perhaps a more specific word than "sounds" while keeping the lovely alliteration and rhythm.
You have a real talent for description. One thing I thought you might look at is using some fragments in this to add to the frantic feel.
You have a solid base that allows you to experiment as much as you wish.
Thanks, enjoyed it, as always.
pax
Hey there!
ReplyDeleteAs usual, a very good piece. You have a natural sense of rhythm and eye for imagery. I am struck by some carefully-chosen, and really excellent, adjectives or verbs ('rambling' squat, 'catapulting' up her arm, her body 'strangled' by her sweat.) I think, though, you could afford to lose some of the more elaborate descriptors and adjectives - eg 'glistening liquid potion luring and seducing into vain reality' - language packs more punch when it's not bogged down too much. Think about what you really need in the sentence...potion is inevitably a liquid, for example: theis adjective doesn't really add anything. If two verbs mean more or less the same thing, use just one, not both (luring & seducing). I can see teh temptation, because you have a very good vocabulary so you think, well, why not make the most of it? But honestly, being a little stricter with yourself this way will give the piece more subtlety and more dramatic impact.
The pace and mood here is all very good. I particularly like how you move at the end gently away from an internal perspective and let us see her from the outside, as the passers-by are seeing her: it emphasises the sense of her death, how she is being distanced from us, how her point of view is no longer 'live' for us.
you've done some excellent work this year, and this piece does you justice. congratulations & keep going
Dear Pugnax and Claire,
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your comments. Pugnax, I'll see if I can change around a few things to make the beginning a little clearer. (: And I'll try to be a little stricter with myself Claire. You're right actually, I really like long words and I just have to stick them in my writing somewhere. It's just me. ^^
Thanks both for commenting so soon,
E.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI don't think I can add much to the perceptive comments you've received so far, other than to reiterate a few points - I, too, absolutely loved the nightgown acting at once like chocolate and a sinister rag. This is exceptionally adroit writing, where you've taken the description of a thing to be at once literal and metaphorical. In fact, in order to make the duality of metaphorical and literal more pronounced, I'd lose "brown" so that it's just "her chocolate nightgown".
As Claire says, it's good to rein in your vocabulary sometimes - the reader doesn't always need to have so many adjectives in order to find the image. The quality of the image will often work for itself - to return again to the nightgown image, you've used fairly simple language to great effect.
A good framing device for the narrative, too - how the drug use perpetuates the very loneliness the character seeks to avoid.
Very well done - it's great to have seen your writing develop this year. Have a wonderful summer!
Penny