Desperate
I’m here, your there, you feel so far away.
I’ve got to get you soon, you are my heart.
My mind won’t stop; there’s got to be a way,
For me and you to have a brand new start.
I see I hurt you but for you I’ve changed
the way I live my life. I’m not the same.
Lets Live up to the vows we once exchanged;
forget about the man I once became.
My lungs won’t help me find the air to breathe.
My heart won’t help me pump the blood around.
My eyes won’t even help me to receive
The picture my brain has already found.
What I’m really trying to say to you,
Is, baby I am desperate for you.
I really like this poem, it is incredibly well written and is very poignant. The iambic meter is almost spot on, there are only a couple of minor points that I noticed when reading it through. “Brand new start” are all strong words so each deserve a stress, therefore they don’t fit into an iambic meter. Just be careful when using heavy words next to one another, sometimes it can seem unavoidable though. Also, “the picture my” leaves “brain” unstressed, which doesn’t quite fit.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe the poem fits so well into iambic pentameter as there are a lot of monosyllabic words. Maybe try experimenting with longer words, as although it is harder to fit them into the correct stresses, it may make your poem stronger.
I think your use of enjambment is really strong, you’ve really understood how to manipulate the last word of the line to create two separate ideas, for example in “for you I’ve changed/the way I live my life”.
I’m not sure if you meant to capitalize the L in “let’s Live”, but I’m not sure that it works in this context. Capitalizing abstract words is an effective poetic device, which attributes almost human qualities to abstract ideas, however it normally works better with nouns rather than verbs, ie. Time. Also, miner typo with “your there”, should be “you’re”.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, good work!
Hi Shani,
ReplyDeleteAs Gina said, the iambic pentameter is near perfect except for a few misplaced stresses. With such a strong base you should be able to experiment from here. I most impressed by the structure here.
The first two quatrains set the desperate tone in a very straightforward way. The short words work well here - it's almost like a pop song. Line 8 "forget about the man I once became" is very subtle. The reader has to think about time past, yet also the forward motion of "became." The persona seems to be struggling with trying to forget but remembering that process, whatever led to the regrets. Trying to convince the "you" as well as him/herself.
The third quatrain takes this subtle tension and runs with it. The excellent use of repetition (anaphora) of "My" desperate for help from "lungs" and "heart" and "eyes." The repetition and the rhythm beat along and the reader gets a sense of hyperventilation. Really clever, powerful lines.
After this storm of almost physical desperation, the final couplet returns to the "pop" tone of the first two quatrains. As a whole the sonnet really captures a sense of romantic longing, sheer desperation, and almost resignation at the end. My interpretation anyway.
I mentioned the strong base you have - tools like rhythm, rhyme. I'd like to see you try and experiment with more subtle rhymes. The best rhyme here is "breathe" and "receive." The sound is linked but is softer on the ear than, say, "start" and heart." Now that you have the technique down focus on each word to find startling images to express your ideas.
pax
Not a bad effort at all! The iambic pentameter was pretty good, but every now and then the stresses seemed a little bit unnatural. For example, 'up to the' are probably all unstressed words when spoken naturally. Gina picked out some more examples I noticed.
ReplyDeleteI liked the 'My lungs', 'My heart', 'My eyes' repetition. I thought it worked quite well but I would suggest re-wording 'My heart won’t help me pump the blood around'. The last word of a line of poetry is always more prominant in the mind of the reader, and ending such a strong image on a pretty unemotive word is a bit of an anitclimax.
The rhythms and enjambment in these lines are perfect:
I see I hurt you but for you I’ve changed
the way I live my life. I’m not the same.
'the man I once became' is a really nicely phrased description.
Perhaps you could try rhyming the last two lines instead of just repeating the word?
Good effort, well done.