Anger, love, and spite swarm through this room.
Our brains want to submit and call it quits,
our hearts want us to fight through all the fumes.
To break the others spirit, we'll commit.
A tear will spill, retract it hurriedly.
Expel your love for anyone but you.
Don't step, don't walk, don't flinch aggressively.
Just sneak into her heart, and start the coup.
It's then I dropped my sword, fell to my knees,
she raised her blade and brought it down against
the floor. It whistled through the air, a tease.
To kill me there was not her sole intent.
She stayed there looming, hours and days i'm sure.
All thanks to her, I love when we're at war.
Hi Naboo, what level are you going for here?
ReplyDeleteBrilliant stuff, Naboo.
ReplyDeleteGreat imagery, very original, and it flowed nicely.
Meets all the requirements for Intermediate as far as I can see.
The only problem line is the first. It has only 9 syllables and the emphasises are on the wrong bits. If you add a word at the beginning of this line, it might sort it out.
The rhyming was very nicely done.
'Expel your love for anyone but you' stands out a bit because it is grammatically incorrect ('you' should be 'yourself') and this is the only place it seems you submit to rhyme over meaning.
others spirit = other's spirit
i'm = I'm
The last line is killer - wraps it up nicely, with a slight twist.
Great poem. I hope the rest of the moderators have time to look at this.
Hello again, another fine poem in which you quite brilliantly illuminate the perverse paradox of love; these are people who are attempting to hurt each-other, but you have to really care about someone to go to all that trouble, and put that much effort into causing such an intense reaction. I think this is a very very clever poem which unmasks the power-play that is love; these people are devoted to each-other, and know each-other inside out, but this takes the form of a battle to stay in control and not compromise themselves. The irony is revealed in the last line when it becomes clear that they have compromised themselves as they no longer have their own identities; they are locked in a perpetual war with each-other, to the point where it has almost become a drug.
ReplyDeleteWhile not only can I relate very strongly to the sentiment of the poem, the mere techniques you have called upon make it a delight to read; it's a very rich poem with some fantastic internal rhyme ("Our brains want to submit and call it quits") and equally fantastic alliteration ("fight through the fumes").
There are a few technical issues with the poem, as Sophie has pointed out, but I feel if you iron these out you will be left with a very strong poem, so well done again,
Eoghan