You say you love me but you are unsure
What the effect those words may have on me
When I happen to ask you to secure
The doubts in my head you just guarantee
The fear that continues to grow inside
My head that tells me that you are confused
About the way you feel. I think you lied
And I feel as though I was then abused.
You told me that you loved me then you said
That our relationship was not ideal.
So that was left floating around my head
How do you think that really made me feel?
Why can I view what you have failed to see?
You need to tell the truth, if just for me.
Hi Shani, what level are you going for here?
ReplyDeleteSorry i forgot to mention it lol.... I think i'll go for the intermediate/advanced level lol... Thanks
ReplyDeleteYou have all the basics perfect, which I have not seen yet! It shows you have proof read your work which is a really important part of writing. I have only noticed a couple of small slip ups in your iamb, one is “floating”, where the stress falls upon “ing”. Although you have included a few larger words, the poem is still a little monosyllabic in places, try to continue the improvement. The inclusion of words with more syllables has already improved this poem, yet I feel you can do more.
ReplyDeleteI like the succession of questions at the end, concluding with a strong statement. The end line is particularly effective, it is a really strong note to end on.
I would go through the poem and double check where you have placed your punctuation. The first sentence feels like it requires a break after “may have on me”, and after “floating around my head”. Punctuation is a key factor of placing emphasis in certain points of the poem. Just a personal thing as well, “my head that tells me that” doesn’t sound right to me, the repetition of that sounds as if you have included it to make up the line length. Maybe try to rework this sentence and delete the extra that.
I can see you have really taken on board previous comments and have noticed a real improvement in your work. Keep up the good work!
Hi Shani,
ReplyDeleteWell done for putting in the effort to master the sonnet form.
Your rhymes are much stronger this week. Rhyming "unsure" with "secure" links the contrary feelings, representing the "Confusion" of the title. It also clears up what could be the awkward syntax of
"When I happen to ask you to secure
The doubts in my head you just guarantee
the fear..."
The persona want to feel secure, but instead the "doubts" are made "secure" or firm. They are "guarantee)d" Very clever.
"Ideal" and "feel" is another powerful pair. The rhyme, like the relationship, is not perfect. It (the rhyme) is better than perfect, because the slightly different tone unsettles the reader, helps them "feel" the confusion.
Keep stretching for these slightly unusual, and quite meaningful rhymes.
I was impressed by your effort in line 13
"Why can I view what you have failed to see?"
You could have settled for repeating "see". I'm not sure that "view" is the most powerful word, but the effort is there. It does link, rhyme internally, with "you" in line 12; perhaps look for other words in the "neighbourhood" that might rhyme and mean the same as "view."
Experiment a bit.
Now that you have the technique down,
do try and play around with words. It (play) is a powerful tool that will lead you to fresher words and images.
pax
Shani,
ReplyDeleteYou’re poems keep getting better with every week. You seem to really be taking on the comments and modifying your poems really well. The sonnet is really difficult, but each week I see improvements with all the skills necessary for a sonnet.
I really love the way that you rhyme some really short words, with only one syllable, with longer words, containing three syllables, like “me” and “guarantee”. It implies a bit more skill and always makes the poem flow a bit better. Obviously, it doesn’t need to be done every time, but once in a while, it can really work. I also love the use of rhetorical questions in the poem, like other devices, it can be very effective, especially with the tone of your poem.
I like that you’ve really also tried to apply enjambment, it’s another skill that you’ve really grown in. I think it’s really important to use enjambment in poetry because it can emphasize the meaning, and certain words. I am really impressed with the attempt, but I think that sometimes you leave some sequences of enjambment a little too long, there are times I think a sentence could end with the same meaning and effect. Obviously, it is up to you, but I think there are times when it’s carried on too long sometimes.
Fantastic work with the iambic meter, it looks perfect, and you’ve totally mastered the rhyming scheme. Both hard tasks, and you’ve done both beautifully. Keep practicing it, it always helps.
And again, if you ever have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Genevieve
I don't have a lot of time, but it seems you have got some nicely detailed comments from the other moderators.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good solid sonnet - well done.
I agree with Gina about the punctuation. I noticed that the first half of the whole poem is one long sentence. That's fine if you are going for a breathless effect, but to me it was begging to be punctuated.