A feeling so uncomfortable; the pain
of having failed you. Down the lane I walk
And coldness falls. I’m left to hurt; the rain
is sharing suffering with me. Less of talk,
I gave myself to silence; closest friend
I have. I’m lost, my thoughts are damaged. Sounds
Of failure ruins all. Is there an end?
My useless hope, I cannot treat this wound.
The past it’s living in my dreadful tears;
I’m fading slowly somewhere darkness can
Be light. I cannot share my fragile fears.
I’m searching for a way, I need a plan.
I cannot disobey my horrid fate
But nothing can be changed; I'm left to wait.
Hey, Angel_K
ReplyDeleteFailure's a powerful topic, and I think you've follwed it with some great stuff. I think that 'my thoughts are damaged' is an ace way of summing things up - that sense of not only hurting someone else, but of having to question your self, and feeling uncomfortable in your own head. Kind of like when teachers say 'you've let yourself down' but on a much more real level.
Anyway - some technical stuff could do to be changed, I think, although it's worth knowing that your other two moderators are poets who scare, and have scared, me many times before, and that I'm a lowly prosist (if that's a word).
Line six seems to go over metre, and 'The past it's alive...' sounds wierd on the 'alive.' I also think that 'it shares the suffer' fits the rythm, but not my brain (even though it does sound cool).
Your rhymes all work brilliantly. I do think that fears/tears, and rain/ pain, are more generic than you'd normally chose, especially as there's obviously some cool original thought gone into the rest of it.
The sense of impending doom in 'but nothing can be changed' is nicely gritty, and a solid way of ending it.
It's a pleasure to read your work again. Really well done, and take care,
Andy
Hello again, another fine poetic offering, albeit with a couple of iambic issues, but nothing that can't be easily rectified. First of all I should point out that I feel you've excelled yourself in regards to imagery, and really captured the intense emotions that are indicative of the feeling of failure. Certainly the octave conjures the feeling of walking aimlessly "down the lane" and torturing yourself with the memory of the failure endlessly in every possible different scenario with no feeling of closure; the octave replicates this with a list of various responses to failure, "coldness", "rain", "silence" as well as "sound"...this is a feeling of failure that just will not let go, and that is exactly what real failure feels like. I should also point out that "coldness falls" is my favourite phrase I've heard in a long time. It's a very subtle term that doesn't call much attention to itself, but on close analysis it combines the affliction of coldness with the physical immediacy of something falling on you, therefore doubling the pain; this isn't merely discomfiture, this is the sharp shock of being crushed as well.
ReplyDeleteYour transition from octave to sestet is interesting as well; the thematic division seems to be that the endless mental torture has subsided in place of a certain resolution, "I'm searching for a way, I need a plan". The narrator seems more determined, but is ultimately is unable. Therefore this is a false transition, and the narrator has returned to the mindset of the octave, and we are left to wait for closure exactly like the narrator. This is a clever manipulation of emotion and I feel it gives the reader a stronger sense of empathy with the narrator.
In terms of the technicalities of the piece, line 6 is one syllable too many, so you could try getting rid of "the" and making "sound" plural so that essentially your couplet would read, "I'm lost, my thoughts are damaged. Sounds / Of failure destroy all". However, this raises an issue with line 7, in that you have stressed the first syllable of "destroys" when the second syllable is the more prominent. Line 9 has a similar problem, with the first syllable of "alive" being stressed when the second is the more prominent.
Aside from this, however, your imagery just keeps getting stronger and you have a knack of using every exercise to your own advantage and crafting poems that stand out on the basis of their own merits.
Well done,
Eoghan 'ahead of the deadline for once; is he ill or something?' Lavery
Hey,
ReplyDeleteFirst - really well done. This is a successful sonnet, and there are some lovely moments in it. (In particular, I'll second Eoghan's praise of "coldness falls" - that's subtle stuff!) I think just a few phrases need tweaking, so I'll suggest some alternatives; mainly the pitfalls are rhythmical.
Line 1/2: Not sure if that enjambed line is quite right, syntactically. I'd suggest "the pain/of having failed you". It's less elegant, but I think it's more like something someone would actually say.
Line 2/3: Again, syntax. I think it's important to write as much as possible as we'd speak - not in terms of the words we'd use, but how we arrange them. I'd have "the rain/is sharing suffering with me".
Line 6: I'd have "I'm lost, thoughts damaged; and the sound..." This is pentameter - you have a syllable too many as it stands.
Line 7 isn't quite iambic pentameter: "of FAILure desTROYS ALL. is THERE an END?" See the two unstressed syllables side by side? Have a play around with that line.
Line 9: I'd just have "The past's alive..." It makes perfect grammatical sense, and fits the rhythm better.
The last lines are perfect, both metrically and syntactically. I think with a tiny bit of work on the things we've highlighted, this will be a flawless sonnet - really well done.
Take care,
Penny
This is a near perfect sonnet, and I can find very little with which to quibble. How brilliant that you have developed into such a proficient sonneteer!
ReplyDeleteA few pointers though: in line 4, shouldn’t “suffer” be “suffering” (i.e. a noun not a verb). If your meter demands two syllables, you could try something like “torment” instead.
“Less of talk” – although I kind of know what you mean, I am not convinced this really makes sense.
I can see how to put “the” before “closest” in Line 5 would upset your rhythm, but I think that, syntactically, it is necessary.
Line 6 has too many syllables – and I reckon your best way out is to find a one-syllable synonym for damaged, such as “scarred”.
In Line 7, “destroys” is stressed wrongly; how about using “ruins” instead? Similar problem with “alive” in Line 9; how about “living” instead?
But don’t let my comments suggest there is lots wrong; this is fine tuning: your work is becoming absolutely brilliant, and a joy to read. Well done!
Thank you so much for your comments everyone. =)
ReplyDeleteI see what you mean about some of the words being stressed wrongly and I will make them few changes.
Take care,
Angel_K