To find true friends can be extremely rare,
Luckily I’ve got you, that’s true.
No other can compare, but stop and stare,
At the friendship that we progressed and grew,
Our friendship is like the shining sun.
It will never ever begin to fade,
Even after the timepiece strikes one,
Your friendship is still pleasingly displayed.
Life with out you would be so awfully grey,
My heart would start to sink deep within me,
My soul would wither and wonder away,
My mind would sit waving thoughts, goodbye.
Hopefully we’ll be best friends, forever,
And we will constantly be together
Because
To find true friends can be extremely rare,
Luckily I’ve got you, that’s true
No other can compare, but stop and stare
At the friendship that we progressed and grew.
Really sorry It's late (It's my first)
Hi, Lil Miz, welcome to Word Voo Doo. I'll be one of your moderators throughout the course.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, good effort! This flowed very nicely and shows real promise. The extended metaphor of the sun and the flow of time shows maturity in your writing: the word 'sink' is especially good as it relates to the sinking sun, which in turn suggests the passing of time - it is a subtle but effective use of words.
You've decided to go for the 'Beginner' division, I see. I don't blame you as you have been thrown in the deep end by joining Word Voo Doo at this time. I'll go through each criterion and let you know my thoughts on each one.
14 Lines - Sonnets, by definition, must have 14 lines. Here, you've got 19. If you end your poem at 'together', you would meet this requirement. However, you have extended it to create a cyclic element. This would be fine, and quite creative, for a poem based on the sonnet form, but unfortunately the task was to write a strict sonnet.
Every line should have 10 syllables - You haven't quite managed this. Most of the time you have, but for about a third of the poem you fall short of syllables. For example:
Luck/i/ly /I’ve /got /you, /that’s /true.
That's only 8 syllables. Syllable are easy to recognise once they are written down and spoken aloud, but hard to get right in the flow of writing. The best way to deal with this is to go back over what you have written, count the syllables, then play around with words until you get the count right, and your writing still makes sense.
The even syllables must be stressed - Because you don't always have 10 syllables this is harder to judge. You have definitely got some lines of perfect iambic pentameter:
To find true friends can be extremely rare
No other can compare, but stop and stare
My heart would start to sink deep within me
My soul would wither and wonder away
However, there are a few lines where the stresses are unnatural:
Life with out you would be so awfully grey
life WITH out YOU would BE so AW-f'ly GREY
The natural stress would fall on 'Life', which would disrupt the iambic rhythm.
I think there is a problem with the rhythm of the words 'forever' and 'together', too. If you say them out loud, they are naturally stressed as this:
FOR-ev-er
TO-geth-er
These words, like many words, simply don't fit in with the iambic rhythm, unfortunately.
Rhyme Scheme - You've done very well with the rhyme scheme on the whole. The only part that doesn't quite work is when rhyming 'me' with 'goodbye'. Other than that - perfect.
Spelling/Typos/Grammar - All great. Very well formatted. You've obviously taken care in the way you have written this, which in turn adds to the quality of your work.
In all, you've done pretty well for your first Word Voo Doo challenge, especially when you have been thrown in at the deep end. The main thing you have to focus on is getting the syllable count right, then looking a little harder at the stresses. Other than that, tweaking the format and making sure the rhymes are completely correct are easily do-able. The poem flows well and shows a lot of promise. Great start.
Hello Lil Miz,
ReplyDeleteThere are some lovely lines in here, I particularly like: 'My soul would wither and wander away.' I think you've created a strong sense of the friendship and the persona's possible fears about it one day ending. You have a strong poetic voice...
As has been previously mentioned, this isn't strictly a sonnet as it doesn't exist within the rules of the form. That said, the emotions you have been exploring would lend themselves well to this form - if you keep going at it perhaps the two will come together.
Thanks so much for posting. I'll look forward to reading more of your work.
Liz
Hi lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteSorry for my late comments. Sophie's done a brilliant job of leading you towards the necessary corrections. You show alot of natural ability, and I'm confident you'll pick things up quickly.
As Liz said, "My soul would wither and wonder away." Has lovely alliteration, the repeated "w" sounds, which , to me, mimic the wind or breath. This enhances the idea of the soul gradually decaying. The "w" in "away" is especially adavanced, as it comes in the middle of the word. Did you mean wander, or "wonder" as written? "Wonder away" gives a sense of day-dreaming which leads nicely to the very striking line:
"My mind would sit waving thoughts, goodbye."
On my first reading I expected "weaving" but "waving" is much more powerful - a great personification of "mind"
I look forward to your next sonnet. A bit of focus and practice on the basics, the techniques, will allow your obvious talent for word play to launch from a secure platform.
pax
Hi lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteI also must apologize for my late comments, but I thought you might still appreciate hearing your 4th moderator's ideas. :)
I really like the mood of this poem, particularly in the section where the speaker describes what life would be without this friendship. I like the image of "My heart would start to sink deep within me." It conjures images of loneliness and hibernation.
Something you may want to be careful with, though, is fully understanding and working with the meanings of words and sentences. For example, take a look at the line "At the friendship that we progressed and grew." Think about this line carefully - do the words make sense? Does the meaning make sense? The verb "progress" is intransitive, which means that it cannot be used with an object. In other words, things progress, but things do not progress other things. In this line, you have a friendship that we progress. It is true that friendships can progress, but people don't usually progress friendships. Let me know if this doesn't make sense.
Keep it up! I look forward to reading your future work. :)
Maria