Someone always there when I am alone,
There, when I am going through hard, rough times.
There with you in every shake of your bone.
Even when you are sick of doing rhymes,
There with you in times that are heartbreaking.
By your side in every step of the way,
Even if your heart is so badly aching,
Your are somebody who I will share my
Secrets, even the embarrassing one,
You’re my best friend in the whole of the sky,
I’d go to you when I’m in need of fun.
Nobody will be a good friend like you,
Even though I need a new friend, that’s true.
Didn’t tell us what section you put yourself in!
ReplyDeleteGood basics, your rhymes are all accurate and your line lengths are all spot on, except for one small slip up on line 7 where you have one syllable extra. You make an attempt at enjambment, however it would prove more effective if secrets was at the end of the line, rather than starting it. Also, small slip up with “your are”, I assume you mean you are.
A lot of your iambic meter appears to start on a half-stress, which is okay as long as your sure that you meant to do it. For example, “there with you in every shake of your bone” fits iambic meter if you put the stress upon the first syllable, rather than the second. Even though this is a different meter entirely, it is sometimes accepted that you can use a half stress to start iambic meter. Most of your lines fit this pattern, so be careful when starting your lines with a strong stress.
I really like “you’re my best friend in the whole sky”, it gives a different quality to your friendship, and steers clear from the cliché of “in the whole world”. I also like “every shake of your bone” as this implies that you literally appreciate every movement they make. Very deep stuff! Overall I was generally impressed with this poem, however I feel that maybe you could have included a few more of the techniques from the advanced and intermediate sections. Try to separate the octave and sextet, I’m sure this will make it immediately more interesting! Good luck with your improvements.
Hello again. First of all I feel you have dealt with the subject matter very well and created a genuine evocation of friendship that is very moving. It reminds me very much of 'How do I love thee' by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (in my view possibly the ultimate love poem) in that you are forced by the strict and rigid sonnet format to approach the powerful subject of friendship from every possible perspective within a mere 14 lines, thus giving your poem a sheen of fierce intensity.
ReplyDeleteYour use of iambic pentameter does require some work, however.
One of these problems concerns the -ING syllable which you occasionally stress when its preceding syllable should be stressed instead, such as "going" in line 2. A similar problem occurs in line 3 when you stress the final syllable of "every". Another problem is your extra syllable in line 7, with the last two words incorrectly stressed, "badly aching". Furthermore the sonnet form is 14 lines, while this poem has only 13, but this is easily remedied. In terms of the rhyme scheme you basically just need an extra line 8 to end the octave, which you could probably just write and slot in without disturbing the narrative flow of the poem. This would be a good chance to use enjambement to rejig line 7 by deleting the extra syllable and ending on a stressed syllable while flowing into line 8.
The most consistent issue, however, is the beginning of most lines, which begin with a stress when they shouldn't, especially when opening with "even", but also with "Secrets" and "Nobody". I do understand your dilemma, as using enjambement makes it difficult to avoid beginning a sentence without stressing, but a small amount of re-jigging can overcome this, and each other problem that I have pointed out so I wouldn't worry. Indeed I should finish by restating my opening remarks, which were that this poem is very genuine, and presents a highly infectious relish for the considerable joys of true friendship, and this is quite a hard feat to accomplish without sounding contrived but you have achieved it effortlessly,
Well done,
Eoghan 'with a little help from my Beatles' Lavery