You slam the door, right in my face it hits.
You say you “can’t take any more of this”,
If you would leave, I might be forced to quit.
My life would spiral in a dark abyss.
My job, my independency would end,
In place of that would be an Icebox heart.
You bid farewell though I will Strive to mend
The damage dealt. I wish we could restart,
Repay you for the trust and love you gave.
Yet now without regret, you walk. Outdoors,
You dare not glance behind you as you pave
The icy floor with graceful steps on floors.
As now, you’re too far gone to turn your back.
I love you so that words can’t say, It’s Fact.
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteThere’s a great rhythm to this, it’s very
satisfying to read because of the regular beats that feel particularly well defined here. I think the dialogue in the second line works well and provides a narrative behind the poem itself.
You have some strong imagery, too. I like the Icebox heart. I also enjoyed: ‘The icy floor with graceful steps....’ Has a dance like quality and a musicality to it which made me think of ice skating. There’s also a strong sense of the poem being grounded in a contemporary reality which made it very engaging: ‘My job, my independency would end.’
I wasn’t sure about the capitalisation of ‘Strive’
and ‘Fact.’ By choosing these two words
you are placing a great emphasis on them (which
I’m sure was your intention), but are they
any more important than any of the other words you've chosen?
Occasionally, two unstressed words sit together
or vice versa: ‘ door, right in’ in the first line, ‘in’ isn’t a stress, I think, whereas the other two are; but for the most part you get it spot on.
Thanks for a great read & well done!
Liz
I really enjoyed reading your sonnet, Life. You've used some really nice imagery, my favourite line is line twelve, but I like the recurring 'ice' images, and the 'dark abyss' too, they fit the theme of your sonnet well.
ReplyDeleteYou've chosen the 'intermediate', and you have been largely successful, but you haven't got an octave/sestet split yet which was one of the requirements. But apart from that, well done, this is a good solid sonnet and I look forward to reading your next post!
Life,
ReplyDeleteAnother great poem. I like the growth that is clearly evident with each week. Keep this up, I already can’t wait for next week.
You’ve mastered the iambic meter and the sonnet rhyming scheme. You’ve chosen great words to rhyme, without ever hindering the meaning of the poem. I’d argue that all of your word choice just compliments the poem. Well done! My only suggestion about word choice is your use of “independency”. I think “independence” would work best, but I understand that you needed that extra syllable to come to an even 10. But, in the future, see if there are ways around this. Also, when you say “…you pave / The icy floor with graceful steps on floors.” I think floor is used too often, maybe another word for the second “floor”. Minor, but it could increase the flow and effectiveness of the sentence.
Great use of enjambment, I’m so happy to see this skill included within the confines of the sonnet. It opens up the entire genre of poetry, and always adds something to the poem. I think you used it well here, it flows.
I love the line “Outdoors, you dare not glance behind you as you pave / the icy floor”, even though I did say the second “floor” may be changed, I think the start of the sentence is wonderful. I also love your use of “Icebox heart”, it’s original and creative, and that is my favourite aspect of poetry. Keep trying new things.
Very well done here Life. Keep practicing, you keep getting better. I hope you’re feeling rather comfortable with the sonnet now!
Let me know if you have any questions!
Genevieve
Hi,
ReplyDeletePowerful stuff here. After your last poem I was looking forward to how you'd handle this task. I'm sorry my comments are late, again - I can only appologise.
I like the imediacy of your piece. The fact that is opens with a person slamming the door in the narrator's face, using the present tense 'you slam' is great. It means we're right in the action from the begninning.
I think that in the next lines the tense wavers. We get:
'If you would leave, I might be forced to quit.
My life would spiral in a dark abyss.'
Which is strange. It doens't seem like a question of 'if' after the first statement, and I think it softens the impact a little.
Similarly, I'm confused by 'my independecy would end' also here because it doesn't seem to be the narrator's independence that's threathened.
You make a powerful scene. I think it's just a case of remembring what is at stake - in this case the imediate departure of a loved one - if you want to make it even more effecting. It already is effecting though, I must stress.
It's great to read your work again. Take care,
Andy