This guilt upon my head has left me dead.
No friends to trust, my actions left me so.
This point in life was left to lie, ahead
I go to find this wrong, although no foe
Intended such a crime. I have attacked
With lies, with hate, with anger and true love.
Your soul's so sweet, so tender yet its packed
so tight. No wonder I'm impatient of
Revealing such an awesome might. A dream
Of mine to hold, to love a gorgeous gal.
I fight all day, to grasp your love. Supreme
you are. You hold the keys to hearts. I shall
regret the pact I made, the pact to stay
away. So now I suffer through the day.
Sabz, this is brilliant. Much improved from your last poem. You've fulfilled all the requirements for the 'Beginner' division, in my opinion, and have even elements of 'Intermediate' and 'Expert' here. Some of the words at the end of the line carry significance (dead, foe, attacked, love, packed, dream, stay - all work well), and you have made good use of enjambment and caesura. The rhyme is good (although 'gal' does stand out a little), and you've even made use of internal rhyme, which was an 'Expert' requirement. So well done on that.
ReplyDeleteYou've managed to get 10 syllables in every line - something which wasn't quite perfect in your last poem - so that's great. The iambic rhythm is done very well, too.
One little typo I spotted: 'its packed' should be 'it's packed'. Other than that, very tidy work.
I can see you've made more of an effort to make the content make sense, however I feel this line is still a little confusing and could be worked on a little more:
'No friends to trust, my actions left me so.'
Excellent use of internal rhyme and original imagery here:
'Your soul's so sweet, so tender yet its packed
so tight. No wonder I'm impatient of
Revealing such an awesome might.'
'Supreme you are.' seems a little bit forced in to make up the syllable count.
'You hold the keys to hearts.' - That's a great line. Not entirely original, but has a bit of a twist on the image, as usually someone would say 'you have the key to my heart', but by making this plural you place a lot more power in the hands of the girl. Good job.
Next time you could perhaps try to have a go at the octave/sestet split.
Great work here, though, and I would say you have definitely grasped the concept of the sonnet.
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteWell done! This is a great sonnet, you’ve kept control of the metre while modernising the more archaic territory of the love sonnet: ‘to love a gorgeous gal,’ is gorgeous. There’s a great gathering up of emotion which moves from the passive to the active: ‘This guilt upon my head has left me dead,’ to ‘I fight all day, to grasp your love.’
There’s also an atmosphere of an event taking
place that seems to have led to the persona’s outburst: ‘I shall/ regret the pact I made, the pact to stay/away.’ This conjures for me a sense of sacrifice that then leads to the feeling of abandonment you've created so convincingly.
Perhaps the final line could do with some reworking, it doesn't seem final enough for a poem that addressees so keenly something ending.
‘So now I suffer through the day.’ If you compare it to the first line: ‘This guilt upon my head left me dead,’ it seems too light.I also think you are working beyond the boundaries of the category you've placed yourself in.
Good luck with your writing & thanks for posting.
Liz
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteI think you've improved greatly since your last task - well done! You've got somew really nice images in this which is great, and you seem to handling the rhyme scheme much better too. I like that you've used enjambement and caesura too, this is a criterion for the 'intermediate', so good job.
I don't want to repeat anything that Sophie and Liz have suggested so I'll just leave a short comment this time.
I'm impressed with your progress Sabz, and I look forward to your next task!
Sabz,
ReplyDeleteYou have some really amazing lines in here. What I love about poetry is its ability to grab me when I least expect it. This poem has succeeded in grabbing me.
For example, look at your "I have attacked" lines. You list typical things to attack with, such as anger and hate, but then these are followed up with "and true love." To attack with true love strikes me as a very powerful idea indeed.
I also love the idea of someone's soul being "so sweet, so tender yet its packed
so tight." I love, love, love it. It has depths of meaning. And then "Supreme you are." I don't know why this line grabbed me, but it did. Perhaps it was the choice to not say "you are supreme." Supreme you are is just awesome.
My one suggestion so far is to revise the rest of your poem so that it meets the same standards you've set in these golden lines. Look particularly at how you end the poem. "So now I suffer through the day." I feel this could be much stronger, because you've proven that you have that ability. Especially being the very end of the poem, you want to make sure you leave your readers breathless. And I know you can do it.
Thanks - I really enjoyed this. Keep it up. :)
Maria