The first time I saw you my heart started
To beat - fast. A tickling sensation
Came down my back. I became fainthearted
Love, passion, affection, admiration.
It has started from then, my love for you
Huge and still growing. My heart's obsesses
With thoughts of you. My mind whizzes through
All the times we've spent together in the west.
I hope my love for you never reduce
As you are the only reason I'm
Alive today. My heart could not produce
The devotion we possess at this time.
The thought of us not being one slays me
Where will future take us? That's what we'll see...
Hi Lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteI can see a great progression in your poetry here and it seems like you've learnt a lot from the previous work on the sonnet. You are making the necessary syllable count and you are dealing with your chosen subject matter well. I like how you’ve explored the many feelings love conjures through this speeding up of observations in a pacey and exciting way: ‘My mind whizzes...’ ‘My heart obsesses..’ Both whizzes and obsesses compliment each other through assonance and a sense of speed. There is some great use of rhyme within the piece, too.
To continue progressing I think you need to have
another look at the metre, though the syllable count is working the stresses in places are not as accurate.
Line 1: ‘The first time...’ first and time both being words that require a stress.
Line 2: ‘beat - fast...’ Two stresses.
Line 6: Huge and still..’ Huge is a stress though
it should be unstressed.
It’s this kind of thing you need to watch out for,
it just takes some practice, and you are doing
very well at progressing very quickly so I am pretty sure you'll be able to work on these other aspects...
I think the sonnet ends well - the question is engaging and I like the possibility raised at the end.
Well done. It’s wonderful to see such speedy progression!
Liz
oh wow thanks for your comment its REALLY appreciated. I thought it wasn't as good as last week because of my lack of inspiration and ideas but I was definately wrong.
ReplyDeleteThat's okay, it was just great reading it and seeing how fast you were picking things up!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to reading more!
Liz
Hi lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteYou've obviously put a lot of hard work in to quickly catch up to the basic metrical pattern.
Liz has pointed out the places where the stresses are misplaced. I'm sure you'll pick this up just as quickly. Reading your poem aloud should help indicate where the stress isn't quite right.
You're also showing very advanced use of alliteration, the repeated "W(h)" sounds in
"My mind whizzes through
All the times we've spent together in the west"
gives the reader a feeling of breathlessness, underlying the "fainthearted" feeling in line 3.
Also, your rhymes are especially strong and advanced. "obsesses" and "west" is an excellent half-rhyme; and the slight variation, modulation from "You" and "through" to "produce" and "reduce" cleverly knits together the octet and sestet.
Great technical strides and natural ability shining through here to produce a strong, poignant expression of love. Well done.
pax
Lilmiz,
ReplyDeleteNice work! I agree with the other moderators in terms of your progression. Can't wait to see your next poem. :)
First of all, really really well done with all your lines' final words. Writers often forget the significance of a line's last word, but it is so important because the reader's thoughts linger on the last word of a line for longer than the others. All of your final words are so strong: sensation, fainthearted, obsesses, admiration. So keep this in mind for your future poems, because you're already doing it so well.
Also, fantastic enjambment with these lines:
As you are the only reason I'm
Alive today.
You see how "Alive today" becomes emphasized the way you've broken up the line? Really great, really effective. Same thing with the line "Huge and still growing." Yes. :)
Now, with all that said, my suggestion for you would be to work on the last line of this poem. Take a look at the end of your poem. "Where will future take us? That's what we'll see... " I feel that this could be much stronger, because you've already proven that you can end lines very well. So why not put that same talent and strength into ending the poem so that it really sticks with your readers?
I enjoyed this. Keep up the good work.
Maria