The sun in my face the wind in my hair.
I was so beautiful I envied my foe.
The boy hugged me like a grizzly brown bear.
He said I was his precious shining rose.
He kissed me so warmly my heart began to beat.
I returned the favour and let my self go.
I was nervous my face began to heat.
We took a boat slowly he began to row.
We walked to my flat and watched the stars.
Before he left I kissed him one more time.
I looked at his phone pictures of his cars.
He made me a poem but it did not rhyme.
It was the greatest night of my whole life.
Someday I dream I'll be his one only wife.
Hi Frizzy,
ReplyDeleteBefore I get into an in depth commentary on your sonnet, I’m afraid I have to take you to task. You’ve probably heard this many times in your school career, but you really MUST make sure you read the question. Mr. Savage has twice asked for a titled sonnet (this time, a title beginning with the letter F), and twice you have submitted untitled sonnets.
Okay: let’s get into the sonnet form itself, by going through Mr. Savage’s four bullet points for beginners. So – your poem does have 14 lines, one of the perquisites of any sonnet. However, not all these lines are the required 10 syllables long – I’ve picked out lines 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, 12 & 14. Now, I KNOW from task 30 that you can do much better than this! And you really can master the sonnet form if you do put your mind to it.
Stresses are much trickier to get right than syllables. As a (drastically) over-simplified rule of thumb, the more “important” words in your line - the nouns, the adjectives - will demand to be stressed, whereas the less “important” ones (a, the, or, is, and…) will not. So, line one follows this guide: ‘the SUN in MY FACE, the WIND in MY HAIR’. As such, it isn’t in iambic pentameter. But, line 10 is an example of where you get it spot-on: ‘be-FORE he LEFT I KISSED him ONE more TIME.’ So you can do it! I would urge you to read your work aloud, exaggerating each even syllable to see if it fits the iambic pentameter.
I’m really pleased you’ve responded positively to the comments given to Task 30 and can now conform to the rhyme scheme of the sonnet – good work! It’s a really positive step forward. As in the previous task, you have a good ear for rhyming words. The rhymes also feel much less forced this time, and flows very organically. The only slightly jarring line in terms of this is line 8 – the sonnet seems (to me) to have a contemporary setting, so the sudden introduction of the rowing boat is a bit unprecedented. Aside from this, sterling work.
Just a couple of points about the content of your verse: as before, I really like how this is a poem rooted in concrete, relatable details. Maybe I’m just a bit dense as a reader, but I find a lot of poetry overly abstract, overly self-involved – sound and fury signifying nothing. Whereas this has real, physical detail, which makes the every day poetic (like linking star-crossed romance with looking at pictures on someone’s camera phone – lovely detail!) I also like how the boy is described as a ‘grizzly brown bear’ – suggests how overwhelming his physical presence is, and how half-scary this is. However, ‘I was so beautiful I envied my foe’ confused me a bit – if the narrator is beautiful, wouldn’t her foe envy her?
I understand you’re still finding the sonnet form tricky. However, you have a lot of potential! I think if you take time over your work, if you check it thoroughly for easily corrected errors (such as the wrong number of syllables per line), and try reading it aloud to work out the stresses, then you’ll come on in leaps and bounds.
sarah's said quite a lot of very useful information so i'll just add some of my own.
ReplyDeleteyou've done very well for a beginner's sonnet, i counted the lines i thought you did well on and you've done about 50% very well, there's a few that are debatable, and as sarah's probably pointed out a few that are out on the syllable front.
firstly, you have some lovely imagrey in here. if this was just a normal free verse poem you'd have been perfect, as it is, it's structed and that's what we're trying to pick you up on! lines 2,5,7, and 9 are good, they just stumble in places. you're not completely wrong on them, most of the feet are iambic, it's just in a few you seem to have got confused half way through and thrown the rest of the line out, but when you look at the rest of the line separately they do actually work.
I really liked lines 4, 8 and 13, they're very good, and also original. you've also done well with sticking to the sonnet rhyming scheme!
for a beginner i think you've tackled this very well. read through sarah's comments because she has some good advice, other than that, well done, you've come a long way since the start of term :)
Frizzy,
ReplyDeleteI love the characters you create for us in your poems. They're never just empty people - they have life, and personality, and pictures of cars in their mobile phones. :) The details you give us are interesting, quirky, and make me really look forward to reading more of your work.
With that said, I feel that I can challenge you on some of your other details. You've proven that you can handle images without being cliche, so I think you can really work on other images such as "The sun in my face the wind in my hair." This is rather a typical thought to have, as true as it might be (who doesn't love sun in their face and wind in their hair?), so I'd like to challenge you to work on a fresher image that conveys the same emotion. You can still use sun and wind, but perhaps have them do something besides be in someone's face and hair. Or you can put something else there, instead.
Also, not sure about the line "my heart began to beat." Since everyone's hearts are beating all the time, this could be read as a mistake. But if you actually meant that the kiss brought the speaker to life, you could really convey that by using a stronger image.
Good work. Can't wait to read more.
Maria