Opening 10
In my opinion, I thought that Opening 10 was very appealing to me. How it starts of with “I'm not being funny, but you can't blame me for what happened,” makes the reader want to read on to find out what exactly happened. The conversation that goes on in the story is effective and helps to move the story on and the story has an informal tone to it. It draws the reader into the story, “do you know what I'm saying…” and that has an effect on the reader. Also I like the use of similes, “like a lighter running low on fluid.”
You can’t put the blame on me: it happened. I mean I was just being, trying, to be helpful. I’m no one special, just me and that’s really it. It weren’t my fault, you know what I’m saying and maybe you would have understood if you were standing there.
Nothing was clear, not at that moment, nothing at all. I saw her come in through them doors and her face seemed hidden away in some mysterious fog that clouded over her. If you didn’t see it, you couldn’t tell how it happened, if you know what I’m saying. Even the light could not brighten up her eyes and the rest of our lives were like a litter bin.
Lila, Lila Smart that was her name. She had short curly hair but the colour of her hair seemed to be fading away unlike her fear. ‘Smart?’ I said when Billy told me. "Oh God, I’m quite glad I don’t have that name."
Billy just laughed, not a joyful one but one that helplessly found its way, like an object with no meaningful purpose.
‘So, what do I do now?’ I said. ‘I can’t really do much, can I?’
‘Well, just don't look at her,’ He said. It weren’t as easy as that, the feeling inside of me were bubbling like one of them chemical reaction we learn about in science. I could kind of see her from the corner of my eye.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou're dead right about the opening line. 'What happened' is a big neon sign of intrigue, and it esablishes the tone of the narrator's voice imediately too. And it's astute of you to point out how quickley the dialogue moves things along. Good reasoning.
I can see that you've really taken on board this novel's ideas. Your opening is equally intriguing. The line:
I mean I was just being, trying to be helpful.
is good too, but you need to contain 'trying to be' in its own clause (put a comma after it) for this to make sense - it's frustrating sometimes, but with a less structured voice the grammar has to be just as tight. Clare Allen's piece seems rambling at times, but the commas still have to be in the right places.
I like the direct address to the reader you make in:
maybe you would have understood...
You've achieved a convincing first person voice. Really well done.
I like your figurative language too - and I also enjoyed Allen's description of Tony's smile. Be careful not to overexplain figurative language, such as:
our lives were like a litter bin, full of rubbish.
You could have finished with 'litter bin.' To go further undermines what you've done by suggesting an idea to us.
I really like the slightly unsure tone of the narrative too - like in 'I could kind of see...'
Really well done. I enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to your next piece. Take care,
Andy
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I'm going to be all 'English Teacher' and point out what I think should be different - but that is not detract from all the stuff which should remain exactly the same. Like Andy, I enjoyed reading this, as I enjoy reading ALL your work. I especially like the way you have tried to SPEAK like your character, even if that did cause you other problems along the way...
ReplyDelete1. In the first sentence, you need a colon before "it happened", instead of a comma. Even if you are writing informally as a first person narrator, punctuation remains important as a tool for making what you write comprehensible and clear.
2. I know what you are trying to say in the second sentence, but I think italicising "trying", and preceding it with an ellipsis would make it clearer.
3. The first sentence of your second paragraph would make a lot more sense if a) you changed "the" to "that", and b) changed "not at all" to "nothing at all".
4. Your next sentence is made confusing by a) the unnecessary semi-colon; and b) the use of the present tense ("seem") when the past ("seemed") would have made much more sense.
5. I am not sure I understand the next sentence: do you mean "IF you didn't see it..."?
6."She got short curly hair but the colour of her hair seems to be fading away unlike her fear." Beware of your use of tenses here. The paragraph begins with the past tense, and so this should be past tense too, really: "She HAD short curly hair..." and "seemed to be fading..."
7. "Oh God, I’m quiet glad I don’t have that name." This should be in speech marks too, shouldn't it? And be careful with your homophones (i.e. quiet/quite).
8. ‘So, what do I do now?’... I don't think you need the second "I said" in this paragraph, as it is already clear - and be careful with your speech punctuation in the following paragraph (i.e. "...I guess," he said.)
Oh, and I LOVE the casual reference to your Science lesson - really effective! :)
Hello again, I should firstly agree with Andy in saying that you have pretty much accomplished this task with your customary ease; you have very clearly put forward the superlatives of Allen's piece and then composed a piece along pretty much those exact same guidelines.
ReplyDeleteIf, for example we take your analysis point-by-point, you first of all responded favourably to the strong opening hook of Allen's opening, and you achieve this very well yourself. Similarly your story has the same informal tone to it, and your use of imagery, including similes, is still your greatest strength in my opinion.
However, the one major element of your opening that caught my attention was that it was essentially a re-writing of Allen's opening. Of course there's nothing wrong with that, and you've definitely managed to take Allen's work and make it your own, but I would have liked to have seen something that was more uniquely yours. I may have misread Matthew's assignment and it could be that he wanted you to do your own re-writing of the piece, in which case you have accomplished this very well, but I would have liked more of an idea of what subject matter you would tackle in a novel and it is hard to see this from your opening. But regardless of this, your opening is still very strong and your ability with imagery has not diminished, my favourite examples including "some mysterious fog that clouded over her", "even the light could not brighten up her eyes", and "the colour of her hair seems to be fading away unlike her fear", with the last one being my favourite because I feel the comparison between hair colour and fear is very very original.
So overall the writing you demonstrate here is as enjoyable as ever, I would just really enjoy reading something that was completely uniquely written from your viewpoint, because one of your main strengths is how unique your style is
well done again,
Eoghan
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThe way you’ve carried on the voice of the original piece is interesting here. In fact, this feels like a re-writing of the piece; you’ve captured the voice so well that it’s difficult to see this as the opening of a novel in its own right, particularly as you’ve taken very much the same structure as that of the original piece. It would be interesting to see you take the voice and carry the story further on – you seem to have a real feel for the character – but in this case I think a more personal opening to a story is what’s wanted; I think the idea is to write your own story while bearing in mind the good techniques used in the extract, rather than a retelling of the story as it stands.
Having said that, you’ve picked up on what it is that makes the extract an engaging one – the informal tone, the dialogue, the use of surprising similes – and have used these well in your own piece. You capture the vernacular really well right from the beginning: the stuttering “I mean I was just being, trying to be helpful” is just as someone would actually say it. I that sometimes you have a tendency to over-explain things to the reader – we all do this, as it’s incredibly difficult to know how much of an image that you intend in your writing will be easily understood by a reader, but I think “full of rubbish” is evident already in the litterbin simile.
I find the line about Lila’s hair and her non-fading fear to be a little bit stretched; I like the image of her hair fading near the ends, but it’s not a strong enough image that a character would necessarily make the connection between this and the fact that her fear wasn’t fading. Perhaps it would work the other way – if Lila had been a very confident character, strong, unlike her hair – but the strength of her fear likened to the hair colour is a bit of an ask for the reader, I think.
Well done with this, though – there’s some good vernacular writing, and I can really believe in the voice.
Well done.
Penny
Hey Everyone,
ReplyDeleteThank you for all your comments, they were really helpful. I see what you mean about sometimes over explaining my figurative language.
Angel_K