Part 1:
The opening which stood out to me the most was opening 8 because it used the technique show and not tell a lot, which gives the story tension and builds up a climax. Also the fact that there are many references to the color red in someway gives it a good thread. I liked the way the author used full stops in the second paragraph in ‘The fucking knife broke too. My knife. Virgin blade and everything.’ I found it very powerful; and the use of the full stops made you come to relies what was actually happening. The author also uses other techniques such as personification and metaphors.
The fact the opening brought up a mystery made it engaging, and I really want to read the rest of the book (when you finish it sir). Also the conclusion stays as a bit of a bet, because even though you think you can guess what is going to happen next, you read something new and they way you view the story changes.
On the other hand I really liked how in the second opening the author used lists, I believe they make the book almost seem easy and fun to read; it also is an original touch.
Part 2:
It was the middle of the night I could hear someone calling me name “Sara Sara” I was confused I thought I was dreaming; but I found out I wasn’t I got scared but there was nothing 2 be scared about as when I looked around me I didn’t find anything suspicious so I went back 2 my bed. But den I heard me name again so I thought no this is not a dream someone is really calling my name, so I decided to look out of the window and guess who I saw. Yes, it was him the one and only Mehdi oh my god he was actually there I wasn’t dreaming but I got scared because of ma dad. So I asked Mehdi to go, but inside me I really wanted him to stay, he understood though and made his way back.
That day I was waiting the whole night for him to come back but there was no sign of him, and I fell asleep waiting and that I night I experienced every romantic dream you can think of, us two even got married in my dream. That morning I went to the bathroom, but obviously before that I had to look out of the window and oh my god he was there (I literally started pinching myself to make sure I had woken up), he told me 2 get ready so he can take me to school. Then my mum came in the room and that was it my heart had melted and I started to shiver. I knew there was something wrong as soon as I saw her since today is a Wednesday, and she works on Wednesdays; my first thoughts were that she had seen him. And I was right – but not totally, because I thought she was going to lecture me- but instead she told me to hurry up and get dressed, she knew about everything apparently. She came and closed the door which made me terrified, she only closes the door when something is really important, then she came out with it ‘HOW DARE YOU’ I could feel my face go red and spears scratching down my face - it was the first thing I had felt in weeks now I came to relies it. My mother relaxed her face and smiled ‘I know …… I was just as excited as you are when I was your age’ she said calmly. I had no clue what she was on about but I knew it was no good …… or so I thought.
Mum told me that to for your fiancé to drop you off to school was something normal, but the first times are always special. I was baffled, so many questions were going through my mind; HOW and WHEN did this happen, but the main one was WHY can’t I feel anything that I am touching.
Hi Capricorn93,
ReplyDeleteYou are correct in saying that opening 8 shows rather than tells - there are a lot of images in this opening. Well done for identifying the recurring images of blood and red too.
However, in your analysis, you identify devices but don't say why you like them, or why you think they made this the best opening. You skim over 'metaphors and personification' too, where you could have given some more detail.
I don't understand what you mean when you say the ending 'stays as a bit of a bet'.
In your own opening, you've tried to capture the tension and mystery that you found in opening 8, but I was left feeling rather confused - I'm not sure what's going on at all, but not in a good way where I'm compelled to read more to find out. To sustain the mystery, you need to feed the reader some clues and string them along. For example, with the character of the mother - is there a reason she seems to be on her daughter's side, hurrying her along so she doesn't keep Mehdi waiting, but then hits her and gets angry, then seems nice again?
In your analysis of opening 8, you said how much you liked the showing rather than telling, but I was a bit disappointed to see that you havne't used much of this technique in your own piece. You tend to explain everything that is going on, when it might be better to leave some things to the reader's imagination. For example, when your narrator is at the window pinching herself, you could simply state that she is pinched herself, rather than having the brackets explaining that she is pinching herself to make sure she isn't dreaming.
I think that if you cut down on a lot of the extra description, e.g. the whole sentence about the mother working on Wednesday's could be cut down to 'why isn't she at work?', then the pace of your story could be improved. You skip from scene to scene, and to keep the reader insterested you need the narration to move as quickly as the story. Does the reader need to know that the narrator went to the bathroom the morning when her mother saw Mehdi? It has no bearing on the rest of the opening, so you don't need to say it. When you have such a limited word count, only say the things that really count.
I think the readability of your opening could be improved by some punctuation too. You say that you like the short sentences in opening 8, but some of your sentences are really long, some of them too long. Try reading your sentences aloud - if you get short of breath, you need a comma or a full stop.
Also, whilst I understand that Word Voodoo is quite informal, please do make sure you use proper English; 'to' not '2', 'then' not 'den'.
Good effort for the first prose task of this year, I look forward to reading your next piece!
I agree with Frances - it's really great to have mystery in your writing (which you have done), but the mystery needs to be solveable. Of course, you don't want to give everything away in the first page of your novel - you need to keep some things unsaid so that your reader wants to read more, but keep revealing new things slowly and adding more clues so that your reader feels that their understanding deepens with each additional page they read. In other words, you have to work to find a balance between concealing and revealing information, and each story is going to be different.
ReplyDeleteI think you've ended your exerpt on a really good line - "I was baffled, so many questions were going through my mind; HOW and WHEN did this happen, but the main one was WHY can’t I feel anything that I am touching. " This is a good example of revealing just enough information to keep us wanting more - "Why can't I feel anything that I am touching?" Now that I know this little piece of information, I want to keep reading to find out why and how long the narrator can't feel anything. So the narrator's lost the sense of touch - will she lose any others (i.e. smell, sight)? It's these questions that keep me reading.
Keep it up! Can't wait to read more. :)
Maria
Capricorn93,
ReplyDeleteIt’s great to see you starting off the prose semester with mystery. I’m really impressed that you’ve chosen as your first piece – it’s often very challenging.
Your writing style in this opening is unique. Missing grammar (if you intended this) is used as a really interesting device in writing, so I’m glad you’re experimenting with it. That being said, as Frances said, please try to use “to” instead of “2”. We all make that mistake when texting and MSN rule our lives, but when you write formally, try to kick the habit. Also, I’m not sure if you do use “den” instead of “then” and “me” instead of “my” on purpose or not. It’s completely acceptable if you are, you are simply creating a stand-out character voice. So if you are, then stay consistent and continue the speaker’s voice all the way through the opening. If it is not on purpose, and it’s a typo or oversight when telling the story, then cleaning it up would really help the paragraph.
I agree with you, I think that mystery is very interesting. There is always an immediate hook, because mystery does require reader interest in the first few pages. But I do also agree with Frances, in that I’m a bit confused with the opening so far. Part of it could be that you’re using lack of grammar as a writing style. When you do choose to write in that style, you have to compensate in another area – clarity. Because it’s slightly harder for the reader to read, you have to make the story very easy to follow, or it becomes frustrating. I’m very impressed that you’re experimenting with this style; it is hard, so keep working on it. And really, clarity is very important.
I think you have great ideas in your Part 1 explanatory paragraph. I like your justification and understanding of mystery. However, being really picky, a small suggestion would be to attempt to write more formally in it. I know you’re not writing an essay, but the more practice you have writing formally, the better you’ll become. It will become second nature, so try to take advantage of this writing opportunity and test out your amazing persuasive, formal skills.
One small point: you use the word “relies” when I think you meant “realize”.
Great start Capricorn93, I can’t wait to read more!
Genevieve