It is clear by the look on her face that my life
And its pain, have caused more than the scars
That lay rest on her arm. it is true, as my wife
The gifts she recieves should be more than a car.
And the faith in my heart tells me more than a song
When it heals and controlls all those things that i cant.
As the waves slowly rush i can feel i belong
Like the leaves of the forest and the green of a plant
With the might of a lion, and suave of a dove
I saw light from beyond and felt cold on my back.
Has the ice in my heart been melted by a love;
By a love that was lost in a time that was black.
With the dew on her nose and the snow in her hair
I breathed a warmth, this moment meant so much.
Then a tear dribbled down and i felt my head rise.
So the wind is now chilled and my heart can now touch.
Hey Sparky, I'm glad to see that you've got a post up for Task 33.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that this is your best work, even though you have demonstrated an understanding of the anapestic tetrameter. Apart from in two of the lines (one of which is a great sonnet line, old habits die hard, eh?) you've got the correct amount of syllables and the majority of the stresses flow really well and you've got the most important words stressed. For example, line 4 stanza 3 "love" "lost" "time" "black". And in line 2 stanza 3, you've got "beyond" to fit with the meter, I'm really pleased to see this and other polysyllabic words in your first attempt at this style of poetry. It can be tempting to stick to single syllables because it's much easier, I'm glad you didn't shy away.
But, to some extent I think that this poem has suffered because you tried so hard with the meter. For a poem to be truly successful, you have to combine meter with an original content. I'm a little confused by your content - the poem is called Warmth, but the poem seems to lack warmth from the two characters in it, and I'm generally a bit unsure about what's going on. Are they breaking up or getting back together or just having a bit of a cry? I can't tell, and as a writer, you can be ambiguous but I don't think I should be as unclear as I am right now after several rereadings.
The rhyme scheme of this style of poetry is abcb, but in most of your stanzas you have abab, the exception being stanza 4. I think that you have stretched yourself a little bit, and the rhyme scheme seems to be dictating the poem. In stanza one, 'car' seems out of place, did you pick it because you couldn't think of anything else to rhyme? I highly recommend www.rhymezone.com if you get stuck, there's a link to the right of this page. Other words that rhyme with scars include: stars, bars, mars, guitars, cigars... there's a whole page full of possibilities, it's my rhyming webiste of choice.
I think that you've tried to include lots of imagery in this poem, which is really good, but I don't think that they all work. For some reason, the thought of a tear "dribbling" weirds me out a bit, usually they drip, or fall, but dribbling makes me think of snot and grossness. Was this what you were going for, or where you trying to make up the syllable count?
I think that some of your images are a bit unanchored. In stanza 2, where have the waves come from? Are they actually waves, or metaphorical waves of emotion?
In stanza 3, there's something grammatical: a dove can be suave but not have a suave. You could have the suavness of a dove, but I don't think that doves are all that suave. James Bond is suave, doves are more graceful and delicate. Rhymezone.com also has a thesaurus on it if you ever need some help in this area - I'm not paid to advertise them, I promise, I just find it really helpful!
I have a similar comment for line 4 in stanza 4 too: I think that hearts are touched more than they touch. I can see where you're coming from, but I think that you were perhaps limited by trying to think of a word that rhymed with much.
I think that as you get more comfortable with this style of poetry, you will be able to combine your good use of meter with strong imagery and forceful emotion. As I said earlier in my comment, most of the time you've got the stresses on some great words, emphasising the most important words. It's just the words in between that need a bit of tweaking!
I look forward to reading your next post! Keep up the hard work :o)