For my choice out of the four openings, I have decided to choose 'The Pit & The Pendulum' by E.A. Poe. The reason being is that in my opinion, there are two types of horror, the type that slowly cranks up the tension and is more about mental imagery than physical. On the other hand however, there is the type of horror that builds up tension, then kicks in with the afterburners and carries on going. For my choice I've gone with the second, since I think there is a fine balance in the horror genre between becoming pretentious, and being flat out lazy, I think this extract finds the balance inbetween these two perfectly.
To any exterior soul, the room would have seemed pristine. He made sure all the sheets were pressed to perfection, all mounted objects were inconspicuously angled and, most of all, there was not a single chance of a whimper escaping from his latest subject.
The crime? Nobody really knew, he couldn't bring himself to tarnish her name with such poison. He thought protection was the only thing applicable to such a fair being such as herself. He took her under his wing, and for the first few months, she liked it, she said she hadn't felt so comforted in all her life. Yet all this didn't guarantee anything, for it was only a matter of time before his obsessive past came spilling out all over again.
It was 6:49AM, 17Th September 1985. She had just started night shifts, and would be due home in around thirty minutes. You could tell she had little experience in working whilst others slept, since she had forgot to take her phone with her the night before. Coincidence it was not, fate, well, I'll let you decide that. There was a harsh vibration that shook his stirrup, the sharp pain forced him back into consciousness, It was the phone. For a second he closed his eyes again, trying to indulge in the safe world of sleep, yet his past demonic traits were too overpowering, he gave up to his temptation, Flipped open the phone and frantically scanned for a message.
By this time, his heart was racing, fuelled by the unknown, his eyes were like two apocalyptic balls of fire raging over the screen of her phone. His suspicions had been confirmed, she had lied, she was none better than the rest! How could she? Why would she? Who was he? All these thoughts, and many more, were suddenly interrupted by the fumbling of keys at the door. All his effort to maintain normality had now been discarded. His past wrath had now returned, he donned the red mist, and as she entered the once pristine house, she was greeted by the wrath of a man she once called love.
In your opening paragraph, you use the convention of the “rule of three” to good effect, with the shift from domesticity (sheets and wall hangings) to ‘his latest subject’ shocking the reader. This is a startling, engaging opening. However, ‘exterior soul’ is a clunky phrase, which could be rephrased for greater readability (‘to any outsider’, maybe?)
ReplyDeleteIn the next paragraph, be careful of close repetitions of words/phrase – in this case, ‘such a’ and ‘such as’. Your also lose a little of the underwriting which makes the first paragraph so intriguing – ‘it was only a matter of time before his obsessive past came spilling out all over again’ is an explication you could do without. However, the casual mentions of time (‘the first few months’), and unexplained gesture of taking her ‘under his wing’ work well – how long has this been going on? the reader asks, and what exactly is ‘he’ doing? What the reader imagines is almost ALWAYS scarier and more horrifying than when this idea is constrained by written words, so not explicitly writing why or how this woman becomes the main character’s ‘latest subject’ works really powerfully.
The final two paragraphs could capitalise better on the sense of intrigue you so effectively create. Once again, there’s an explicit telling of the central character’s ‘past wrath’ and ‘effort to maintain normality’. The reason the second line of this piece worked so well is that it SHOWED his effort to maintain normality – it rooted your character development in concrete, recognisable imagery. The piece would be stronger if you maintained this style throughout. Also, there seems to be a change in the plot – from the more interesting/mysterious/horrifying idea of the character’s ‘latest subject’, to the idea of a central character entering a jealous rage – which is a little confusing.
Another confusion is the third paragraph’s movement from being about ‘she’ to ‘he’. As this section moves from being about one character in one setting to another character in another setting, you should break it into two paragraphs.
Annoying logical thing: if it’s 1985, would they really have flip screen mobile phones? Anachronistic details like this can jar the reader out of their willing suspension of disbelief, so I thought I best give it a mention (even if it is pedantic of me… Sorry!)
Finally, I wasn’t sure about your use of narrative voice. It shifts its position – from a traditional, unobtrusive, third person narrator, to a more intrusive narrator who makes the reader conscious of his/her presence, to a voice very close to the central character’s own (in the ‘How could she? Why would she?’ set of questions). Whichever you choose to use is fine, but you must make sure there is a consistency of voice. Also, if you choose to use the more intrusive narrator, be very careful of making any epigrammatic/summative statements (e.g. ‘Coincidence it was not, fate, well…’) Do they really work? Are they really necessary?
I think it’s really good you chose to go for psychological horror, rather than blood ‘n’ guts, and in parts (particularly your opening two paragraphs) it works very effectively. However, I’d question whether your opening ‘kicks in with the afterburners and carries on going’ in the way that Poe’s does. This is partly because of the inconsistency of voice, partly because of the deployment of cliché (e.g. ‘the red mist’), and partly because of your reliance on telling over showing. Maybe you could work on these areas for your next submission? As there is some real potential here for you to work on!
What a great opening - the mysterious "he", the details of the room and the final chilling revelation that the character EXPECTS "whimpers" - perfect. I'd quibble with "exterior soul" as being a bit too archaic, though - I'm sure it's a flavour of the Poe coming through, but as you've set this more recently the tone rankled a bit.
ReplyDeleteI think this deftness slips a bit in the second paragraph, though - the language takes a more melodramatic turn, with words like "tarnish" and "fair being". I'd just tone it down a little; again, I think it's Poe talking!
There's a discrepancy of tone in the next paragraph: the narrator is hugely specific about the time at which this is set, right down to the minute, but then says she'd be home in "around" 30 minutes. We're being given mixed signals about the nature of the narration; my instinct would be to cut out any uncertainty, since the narrative seems quite clinical, and just say "She would be home in 25 minutes". No need for "exactly", either - the reader would know this is exact.
"Coincidence it was not, fate, well, I'll let you decide that" is a bit portentous, as are heightened-register words like "wrath" and "donned" in the final paragraph, but otherwise I think this works really well. Just settle in your own mind whether you want the tone to be heightened or lowered, and stick to that decision!
Well done.
Penny
Not sure what I can add to Penny's and Sarah's comments, to be honest. But, if nothing else, I would reiterate the point about "show not tell". For example, "it was only a matter of time before his obsessive past came spilling out all over again" is unnecessarily upfront and leaves little for us to work out; whereas "there was not a single chance of a whimper escaping from his latest subject" and "he donned the red mist" tell us enough, whilst also leaving our mind (and therefore our fear) working overtime. I'd like more, veiled references to previous crimes, in order further to develop the contrast between domesticity and menace.
ReplyDelete