Part 1
I liked extract 3 the most because I felt that it brought to life a romantic moment in a very original and effective way. This is because it isn’t a typical romantic scene where both parties are absolutely in love with each other but it’s kind of comical because one of them is feeling quite awkward and doesn’t quite know how to react to the other person. For example, while Cho is staring at him and spilling out the contents of her heart to him he is feeling quite miserable and edges towards the door yet in two minds whether to leave or to stay in the room. The writer uses humour to lighten up the mood and not to make it so clichéd yet still manages to create atmosphere and tension and suspense making us wonder where the story is going to go. The use of dialogue and the thoughts of Harry add to this since we are actually in the scene and not just reading about it. The attention to detail such as being able to count the freckles on her face and the tears on her eyelashes uses a bit of show not tell making it obvious that Cho is getting closer and closer to Harry yet the writer doesn’t just blurt it out. The description of how Harry is feeling such as his mouth going dry lets us into how he is feeling without telling us he feels nervous and awkward.
Part 2
Eleven o clock and still no answer. He wonders if it was all a mistake; they were fine as friends why couldn’t he be content with that? But then why should he? As the saying goes ‘there’s no harm in asking’; what if it has done harm? What if she never comes back-?
“Hello,” he says done the phone, voice quivering; hand uncontrollably shaking.
“Hello, I’m from British Gas, I am phoning to inform you about our new service-”
“Not interested!” Shit! What if she tried to call but it was engaged and-
Was that a knock on the door or was it next door. No definitely a knock. It must be her.
“Hi Baz”. She looked absolutely gorgeous. Her hair kissing her shoulders, a red figure hugging top and jeans framing her long legs.
“Come in, umm, yeah come in”
She walked in and stopped.
“To the right”
“I’ve been round here so many times…”
“It’s okay, come through”
“Have you changed the arrangement?”
“No, everything’s the same. Umm do you want a drink…? Jenn...a drink?”
“Huh? No. No, I don’t want a bloody drink”
“What oh I’m-”
“Shut up will you! You know what I want? I want you... I want you…”
She was coming closer, unzipping her jacket flinging it on the floor. Unbuttoning her shirt and pressing herself closer and closer to him that he could count her every breath. His own had gone the moment she turned down a drink.
Hi ShiningStar,
ReplyDeleteThis begins strong, questioning the cliche "there's no harm in asking." The narrator's uncertainty of this principle shows sensitivity (perhaps over- or hypersensitivity) - a romantic quality. Also the pacing of the scene is good. The initial uncertainty is punctuated by the excellent humour of the first call.
The ensuing physical disorientation "Have you changed the arrangement?" is subtle enough to underpin the dual meaning of "arrangement." For me, this is the strongest part.
The ending certainly puts any doubt to rest; but perhaps, you could use less dialogue here. Suspend the moment until the very end.
Your dialogue sounds natural and believable - not an easy task.
I think the short sentences work well here, emphasising the action.
In some places you could stretch for more original phrases, descriptions.
"She looked absolutely gorgeous" doesn't really tell the reader much, except that the narrator is infatuated. Try a more concrete description, tiny details (imperfections, even!) to help the reader visualise.
"he could count her every breath" does lead to the good subversion of the cliched 'breathtaking', ("he'd lost his...")but it could again be more concrete, visual, like the details you admired in the chosen passage. It slows the action down (it takes time to count even hurried breaths) and I'm not sure if you want that here.
It's a good scene and works well as a piece of drama. A little more focus on making each description fresh is all that's needed.
Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteI like how your piece pulls us right into the story - "Eleven o clock and still no answer." Right away, we know what's important, where the tension is.
I like the dialogue, but I think I need more description of what the characters are doing while they're talking. I get the impression that things feel awkward between them, so you could show that by having one of them play with their hair, look nervously around, shift their weight from foot to foot... etc. These descriptions will also help us keep track of who is speaking.
The last sentence is very strong, but it could be stronger - I had to read it twice to understand what "his own" was. To clarify this, perhaps revise like this:
"She pressed herself closer and closer to him so that he could count her every breath, unbuttoning her shirt all the while. His own had gone the moment she turned down a drink."
Or something like that.
My final comment for you is to consider point of view. You have chosen third person, but why? Even though you use third person, you often give voice to the main character's thoughts, i.e. "Shit! What if she tried to call but it was engaged and-" This, to me, feels more like a first person narrator. So just think about which would be more effective in this piece, and keep it consistent throughout.
Great job. Their relationship is very interesting, and I think a lot of people can relate.
Maria
Hi Shining star!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your narrative. As has been mentioned, the opening sentence is great. It implies that the character has had a life before the narrative begins: 'Eleven o'clock and still no answer.' It is also a sentence that is charged with urgency which immediately engages the reader.
Your dialogue is strong and creates movement in the text. I like the outside interruption of the gas company calling...it also disrupts any chance of the story being sentimental.
I'm not sure about the questioning at the beginning of the narrative. It feels a little too self aware to be narrated in third person.
I think you could write some more vivid descriptions of Jenn. I like the way you've described 'Her hair kissing her shoulders.' But I do feel this could be built out a bit more with greater attention to detail.
Very best of luck with it, and thanks as always for posting.
Liz
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments they are really helpful. I think really I just need to spend more time going over it and I will definitely take on board your comments and create a better piece next time.
Shiningstar :)