Part 1-Knots and Crosses:
I liked this extract because it made me want to know what happened next and kept me interested all the way through. I also liked the way Rankin has used a conversation all the way through but still kept that edge of mystery. I really wanted to find out what the letter meant while I was reading. The use of the conversation makes this extract a little more realistic to me. Rankin also gives the impression that we are with the character trying to solve the mystery as if it was our very own. I think this is very effective. I really enjoyed this extract.
Part 2-Letters:
Charlie walked in angry and annoyed, his face as red as a tomato.
“Have you seen this Joe? Do you know what this is?” he fumed.
“No Charlie...Why?”
“It’s another flaming letter, that’s what it is! The fourth this week!”
“Oh.” Joe sighed. “Well maybe it’s just a bunch of immature teenagers playing a joke. You shouldn’t pay any attention to them.”
“Doesn’t mean I won’t,” Charlie mumbled.
“It’s just a stupid prank Charlie”
“How on Earth do you know that? Are you the one who’s been sending me these letters?”
“I would never do that to you.”
“Oh wouldn’t you?” Charlie accused. His face was set into his ‘deep in thought’ expression. Then he sighed.
“I know you would never do that. It’s just...well...you know how I get and lately...I’m sorry for accusing you Joe.”
“It’s ok your just worried. You’ve got a lot on your mind what with your daughter’s sudden leaving.”
“Please don’t...”
“No Charlie you need to get it of your chest. It is unhealthy to keep things like this locked up, life threatening.”
“I SAID LEAVE IT JOE. OK?”
Before Joe could reply, Charlie stormed out taking the letters with him. On his way out, he kicked the fire extinguisher and moaned. Charlie winced at the pain. What was a 56-year-old man doing kicking fire extinguishers anyway?
“You're going to get yourself into trouble Charlie, bad trouble. Please just listen to me!” Joe shouted after him. His voice pleading and urgent still had no affect on Charlie.
Charlie stopped in the hallway several floors down and opened the letters. He read every word carefully searching for what they meant. Each envelope covered in coffee stains. “Coffee stains,” Charlie said to himself. “Could it be? What if she didn’t leave and she was kidnapped?” Charlie had stopped breathing. Then he read something on the most recent letter that startled him. The answers were in the letters, he just had to find them.
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteThere are some distinctive descriptions in this, which I really enjoyed: 'his face as red as a tomato ' in the first line, and the coffee stains on the letter at the end. These elements made your piece both enjoyable and memorable. I also like how you've used dialogue to produce a build up of suspense. You use humour well, too: 'What was a 56 year old man doing kicking fire extinguishers anyway?'
To improve this, I think you could edit a little more. For instance, you could convey Charlie's irritation in the first line by saying his face was as 'red as a tomato' alone, rather than saying 'Charlie walked in angry and annoyed.' Though the dialogue is used well, I also thought that perhaps you might convey how the character is feeling a little more subtly in places? I don't think you need to capitalise that sentence: 'I SAID LEAVE IT JOE....' These are just minor things though.
I really enjoyed reading your work. You've achieved a lot in this. Well done!
Liz
Nice dialogue in this piece. It gives the story a fast pace and tight rhythm, which makes for easy reading.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering, though, about something Joe says that I feel might be too expositional. It's a little awkward when he says, "You’ve got a lot on your mind what with your daughter’s sudden leaving.” This seems like information that is beneficial to the reader more than it is something that Joe would naturally say. So I'd recommend ending the sentence at "You've got a lot on your mind." This builds more mystery for the reader, because now we want to know WHAT he has on his mind. You can also hint at this with Charlie saying things like, "Could it be from her?" or "I miss her so much."
Remember that the joy of reading crime fiction is suspense, and in order to build suspense you need a tight balance of revealing/concealing information.
I also like the detail about the coffee stains, but I'm not sure why coffee stains make Charlie think of his daughter. Could this be explained a little bit?
Good work! Keep it up.
Maria
Hi Sabz,
ReplyDeleteI really like that you have used a lot of dialogue in your piece, it brings the readers into the situation and we can unravel the mystery as the characters do. You tell us a lot about the characters through this method, but you also manage to get in clues about their location and the situation at hand - good work.
I think I'd like a little more information about the letters though, like what Charlie reads that "startles" him. And what is the significance of the coffee stains? Maybe you could bring these in a little bit earlier somehow, or explain them a little bit more.
I enjoyed reading your post this week, I look forward to reading your next post!
Frances