Part one
I have chosen Knots and Crosses by Ian Rankin because I felt that it was the most effective. I found it clever that the whole piece was around on letter and it kind of reminded me of the Jack the Ripper case and the police not having a clue about who sent the letters. I would like to adopt this technique into my own writing because I feel that having a simple object at the centre of everything is effective in creating suspense in the air. I also like the fact that the letters that are sent are identical with the “exact same message” and the police know that it comes with a “string” and is from the “same bloke” because this creates a case and a criminal out of a simple thing like a letter. Even though the ‘criminal’ is kind of telling the police that “THERE ARE CLUES EVERYWHERE” you get the idea that the person writing the letters is taking the mick out of the police and this works Rebus up because it was confusing to him. Ending it at “Then the phone rang” makes us want to read on because it’s like the answer to everything is on the other end of the phone.
Part two
“Hello, is it me you’re looking for…catch me if you can.” She read it over and over again but it seemed that every time she read it confused her more and more. Every week at the same time she kept getting these weird messages alongside a bunch of flowers –red roses, she hated them.
“Hiya…oh another message?” It was Angie, her work colleague.
“Yeah.”
“Still no idea who it’s from?”
“If I did do you think that I’d be sitting here staring at it…sorry…it’s just...”
“It’s okay; I’ll leave you to it”
She wanted to stop her. Tell her to come back but she knew that she would get to hear his voice. It was usually about half an hour after she would get to work and receive the flowers that he would call her. She would hear his voice and try to figure out who he was. Not that easy. For the last five times he has been doing it she was no closer to finding out who he was and why.
Was he an ex boyfriend? A friend trying to scare her? Who? And most importantly why? What had she done?
Before she could contemplate any longer the phone rang. After a two minute conversation she found that she completely recognised the voice. That voice belonged to Him.
Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteYou're right - often a small item like a letter can be used in a story in such a way that it is charged with dramatic energy and suspense. I'm glad to see that you've attempted this in your own work. :)
I really like what you've done, but I was wondering if you could make the situation even more sinister. Receiving just a message and flowers is mysterious, but not really tense or scary. You could make the message creepier, or add a detail about the flowers (like they were always half-dead, or something), or instead of flowers maybe something even more cryptic. Whatever feels best to raise the tension.
Also, I like the detail about your character hating the flowers, but it makes me wonder why. Could this be added somehow?
You say that for the past five times, this mysterious man has been calling the main character. I don't see any reason why your reader can't be told what they talk about, what the man says. That would clarify the section where she wonders, "Was he an ex boyfriend? A friend trying to scare her?" Because, right now, the situation only seems strange to me - not paricularly scary. So if you reveals their conversations, that might also explain why the situation is creepy.
That's it from me! Really nice stuff, just incease the tension and creepiness. Good work! :)
Maria
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteYour analysis of the Rankin piece is very insightful; you identify the ‘cliff hanger’ (the phone ringing) at the end, and your reference to the Jack the Ripper case broadens out the analysis.
I was intrigued by your piece. Your dialogue does a good job of establishing the scene and introducing Angie as a third character - the central character and the mystery flower-sender being the other two. I imagined the central character working in an office but I’d love to know a little more about the setting. Perhaps you could include some details that would help us identify what exactly she does. Is she at a desk for example? If so, what’s on the desk? If she’s looking at a computer, what’s showing on the screen? You could consider having Angie use the main character’s name. Alternatively, her name could be on the note.
I also liked that she hated the roses, and expanding on this a little would be a great way of adding dimension to her character.
Some small grammar/spelling points to be aware of. In Part One: ‘....was around one (not ‘on’) letter.’ The second sentence should read: ‘.... that every time she read it, it confused her more and more.’ Also: ‘For the last five times he has been doing it...’ This sentence needs to be re-worked. Something like: ‘He had phoned five times and she was still no closer to...’
I very much enjoyed reading this. Well done!
Joanne
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteUsing the roses and written message is great way to examine the thin line between romance and obsession - love and danger. Definitely worth developing.
Mystery is good at the beginning no matter the genre, but I think we need to know why she recognised the voice after five phone calls. Or at least why she didn't recognise it before. The idea of a phone call at the same time every day does create a stalker/danger vibe, but it seems unrealistic that she would be so confused especially if they've had conversations. However, it's also a great opportunity to think of (if you haven't already) strange reasons why she hasn't figured it out earlier.
As with "Will you be my Valentine" the dialogue is realistic, especially the pauses. I'm looking forward to your playwriting efforts.
The prose isn't flashy, but it's effective and suits this genre.
The psychological situation is interesting, so if you expand/revise this I think you should focus on making the character's thoughts as specific and detailed as possible.
Hi
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments they have been really helpful, as always. Taking your comments on board I will definitely re-draft it.