Part 1
A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers by Xiaolu Gou
I chose A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary fot Lovers because this excerpt out of the four excerpts is funny and quite amusing. I liked the way Xiaolu Gou makes spelling mistakes purposely shows us that the person doesn't know proper English. In his writing he shows us that England is very complicated and an expensive place to live in. Xiaolu Gou made you want to read more and kept us wanting more.
Part 2
The END.....
The day had come..... where everyone in year six were leaving primary school were and moving to secondary school. Everyone was gathering up all the years work to take home for memory. Their were many children crying, weeping hysterically on the teacher's shoulders about the fact they don't want to leave primary school and go to secondary school because the older kids will bully them.
It was time to say our goodbyes to our teachers and classmates it was getting very emotional and a tear came pouring out my eyes.
I knew my year has end and we won't be the oldest in school anymore more like the opposites , we all in year six were going to go to a brand new school where are friends most likely will not go.
It was an end and a brand new beginning.
Hi Nadzzy, I'm not officially one of your mods, but thought I'd drop you a quick comment.
ReplyDeleteYou've made some good obvservations about the extract. Make sure you don't repeat your points in different words, e.g. saying it 'made you want to read more' and that it 'kept us wanting more' is the same thing. Are there any other observations you could make? Did it make you want to read more because it was funny? Is that the only reason? Or did you find that you wanted to know why the main character had come to England? Did you find him charming or annoying?
Your story is very emotive, and something I think we can all relate to. Just make sure you re-read it very carefully and correct any spelling or grammar mistakes, or anything that doesn't quite make sense. For example, you say 'a tear came pouring out my eyes', but one tear cannot 'pour', so you could change this to plural.
Great last line - you turn the sadness around and create a sense of optimism.
Hi Naddzy,
ReplyDeleteGlad you submitted. Thought we lost you. I'm afraid this piece is a step back from the improvement you showed in the crime story.
I'd like to see you try this again and tell it from your perspective only. Pick a single moment. Saying goodbye to a favourite teacher. One particular piece of work that you took home for memory (pretty good phrase that). Once you've narrowed down the moment, use all of your senses to describe not only the emotions but the setting: the weather, the smell of the streets, what you see differently now that you're leaving your old school.
Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but your burglary story showed that you have the ability to write very well. I guess it's been a busy time for everyone. Do stick with it. I really want to see your work on the next task.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteGood point with the Xiaolu Gou piece - there's something really fun in representing a non-native speaker writing English. I currently teach English in South Korea, and however childish it may be, I still giggle sometimes at the odd sentence. I also find some expressions and original uses of English to be gneius - something you wouldn't expect from a native speaker that has a real poetic quality.
For example people say 'the sky is high' when it's a cold autumn day, or I had a student say they were a 'appy-energy' peron.
If you were making this a longer piece you could explore that a bit more. I can see that you've addressed it a bit in what you already have, and it's also tricky cos you're writing as a child. It's a fun thing to play with.
This is a good example:
I knew my year has end and we won't be the oldest in school anymore more like the opposites
Saying 'the opposites' is a mistake, but one that brings out more meanings - it makes you think about what it feels to be completely opposite - it has a depth to it. Well done.
With this is mind obviously don't worry about the errors in your piece, as long as they're all deliberate (which I've taken them to be from your introducion).
I hope you're planning on writing lots of prose this summer. Well done and take care,
Andy
Hi Nadzzy,
ReplyDeleteThis has the potential to be quite a funny piece. I like the way you create a sense of hysteria – the children weeping because they’re afraid of being bullied by the older kids. There’s humour in here as well as grief. Perhaps you could explore this a little more? Your burglary piece had similar comic potential. I also liked the phrase ‘to take home for memory.’ To me, it suggests that in some ways we choose our memories, that there is a degree of consciousness involved in memory, which I think is very interesting.
It is short piece though, and quite general, and as the other moderators have pointed out it could do with some redrafting. But very well done, and keep writing.
Joanne