Opening 2
“Big Sur”,most of the time, seemed quite unorthodox and unique from many of the writing styles I have witnessed before. Kerouac’s constant switch from present to future tense slightly confuses reader, this effect is then compounded further by his withholding of details about the “City” and “Billie”, and perhaps he does this purposely in order to provoke the reader’s yearning for more feeling. Also within the extract, there are monumental amounts of hyphens, these seem to dictate the direction of the story and reveal his state of mind.
The End
I lay in the slimy, dark trench hoping to god that it would end soon. The sky an impenetrable, thick, smoggy grey with the earth a prominent foul, green vein dug into the field. Larry was on hand, cursing and firing into the misty land of No Man’s, my hand trembled as I aimed into the oblivious fog hoping that it would catch an unsuspecting soldier in the chest-I could only think about that at the time- my eyes were straining out of the tight-fitting sockets to see across but in no succession. The camouflaged battle of Italian and English bullets colliding in such flamboyant fashion proved more than I could handle.
I slouched back down onto the ever damp trench with only my M1 to console my mental wounds, I turned my head to see Miles clutching at his chest in utter desperation to stem the flow of the ever valuable, vital ruby liquid mercilessly gushing out of the 2mm gap. My breath felt heavy, and with each one I could see the soul’s of my comrades floating their way up to this supposed “heaven”. I now awaited the inevitable order of “Charge!” so that I could at last be reunited with my brother in arms Miles. The sky cringed and contracted a deep, jet black touch and with that came the furious thunder bolts of Zeus, the dust settled, we could see our enemies, they could see us, yet we were all helplessly staring at the living, breathing sky. “Charge!”. Our sergeant had made the call, there would be no time for us to think, he says jump we say how high, I clambered over the barriers and made my way manoeuvring round the cups that lay imprinted on the battle field. We could see our foe, I mounted my spear with my right hand, and tightly clenched onto the M1 with the left, meter by meter we were approaching, my mind was a total mess but I had no time to regroup, my body was fully prepared and immediately reacted.
I would just like to say to all the moderators that i am deeply sorry for posting so late, i spent ages trying to figure out some sort of backstory or plot and just could not get my head around it. I sincerely apologise for wasting your time.
ReplyDeleteHi Life,
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to apologise for commenting late - don't beat yourself up about it, it happens to the best of us time to time.
In your analysis, I'm pleased that you idenitifed the style of voice, and is very personal, like the readers see a snapshot of his mind, a bit 'stream of consciousness' (although I hate to use that phrase...), and I'm glad that you picked up on the extensive use of hyphens.
Now onto your own work. I really enjoyed reading it, and it's a solid piece of prose. You've got some lovely images, I think my favourites include: "the sky cringed", the Zeus references, and "ruby" blood.
However, it doesn't really contain much of what you liked so much in Kerouac's piece. Your narrator's voice is matter-of-fact and tells the reader what is happening, whereas in Big Sur, we're not really sure, as you rightly said in your analysis.
To make your piece more innovative, you could use more of mythological imagery, like expanding on the Zeus stuff more and having the scene be a bit more surreal, or make the voice more rambling. He says that his "mind was a total mess", so maybe you could try to show some of that in the way that he describes his location, or the events unfolding around him, what has happened to his fellow solider.
A comment on your comment; don't worry about having a backstory all the time. Sometimes, yes, it is absolutely necessary for a character to have backstory, but most of the time as long as you have an idea or even just an image, that can be enough to work on.
Frances
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteI really like this piece. It is rich with detail, emotion, and you have undertaken a huge imaginative leap. All very impressive. I like how you introduce other characters by just stating their names. There are no hefty introductions of the surrounding characters, they are simply named, and appear or disappear. There's some great descriptions that engage directly with the senses. You also very successfully depict the landscape surrounding the narrator, and how this reflects their internal state.
To improve this you may want to think about being a little more selective on the detail you keep in - but at the same time keeping the best details. So, when describing the sky you don't need: 'thick,' ' smoggy,' and 'grey' all in the same line. The reader needs to know the focus.
Great stuff, Life. Good luck with it.
Liz
Hey,
ReplyDeleteNo fret about when you posted - it's no waste of time, and it's a good piece.
You've written a nicely atmospheric text here. I felt that your language largely balanced its shorter syntax with decriptive images, such as in:
The camouflaged battle of Italian and English bullets colliding in such flamboyant fashion proved more than I could handle.
There's the odd bit where I lose the tread, so in the sentence that ends:
my eyes were straining out of the tight-fitting sockets to see across but in no succession.
- I think you could break things up a bit or make them shorter. Also 'in no succession' didn't make sense to me.
Images of 'heavy breath' and 'utter desperation' are well done. You give us just enough to make us dwell on the terror of it, without making anyone bored, or letting them forget where you are. You also did well by throwing us straight into the action.
As you probably know, Kerouac was a big fan of automatic writing, so he splurged stuff out and also, in some works, chose not to edit (apparently). It's a good thing to try if ever you're short of ideas. Just write anything that comes to your head. Look around a room, pick an object, decribe it, or find a setting on google images, put a character there and go with that. You'll be surprised what can some out.
Unlike Kerouac I would propose heavy editing afterwards, but that's all part of the fun.
Hope you're going to write a lot over the summer. Well done with this piece and take care,
Andy