Friends
You are always there when I am alone,
especially through the hard and rough times.
You are a good friend that's what you've shown,
Your love is like a world of chimes.
You are someone whom i will share,
my secrets even the most embarrassing one.
You don't find them funny because you care.
Our friendship is like the sun.
It will never fade away.
You are more like a sister to me,
and we will never betray
each other. I will guarantee
you . Nobody will be a good friend like you.
We will always be together that's true.
Enemies
Enemies. That's a word we should not say,
because we should not have any.
But sometimes even best friends can turn away
and leave you in agony.
We could be friends, that's what i want,
but you already have chosen the way.
Your evilness is like a knifes sharp blunt,
which make my heart go hard as clay.
Jealousy closed your eyes.
It brought meanness, darkness, and
spitefulness to your heart,
which tore us apart and made hatefulness expand.
I know you want some space,
so i will leave you now, and you will never see my face.
Hi Star!
ReplyDeleteI really like the themes you’ve chosen for these poems; the contrast between friends and enemies gives you a lot of great ideas to work with, and you’ve brought out the differences and explored them really well.
It particularly works because you’ve emphasised the closeness and trust of friendship through the aspect of sharing secrets, and the backstabbing of a sharp knife, which can cause enemies. Watch out, though, as “a knife’s sharp blunt” doesn’t really make sense, as blunt is just the opposite of sharp. Perhaps “blade” or “edge” would be better.
You’ve managed to keep to the rhyme scheme of ababcdcdefefgg, and you don’t seem to be rhyming for the sake of it, which is really good. I especially like your rhyme of “away” and “betray”, as this echoes with the betrayal of the Enemies sonnet. Watch out though, as towards the end of ‘Enemies’ you’ve missed the rhyme scheme once, as the lines ending “eyes” and “heart” should rhyme, and they don’t.
You’ve got the hang of enjambment, and have used it effectively to make important words stand out, like “betray” and “spitefulness”, which really works in these poems to add a sense of hurt.
Be careful, though, as your iambic pentameter doesn’t quite work in a few places. You’ve done it brilliantly in the first two lines, and the last line as well, but a lot of the other lines don’t have the ten syllables that they need. You clearly know how to do it well, because of the lines that do work, so just make sure you check through your poems thoroughly, counting the syllables and the stresses. I find this really hard in my own writing, and it feels very laboured at times, but keep at it because it works well in the first couple of lines you’ve written.
I love some of the images you’ve used too; the line about the sharp knife and your heart as hard as clay is really good. I usually think of clay as something soft, but you’ve reminded us how once it’s set it does go hard, like your once-soft heart. It really sums up what a betrayal can do to you. I love the idea of eyes being closed by jealousy too.
I’m looking forward to reading more of your moving poetry soon!
Hi Star,
ReplyDeleteEchoing Katie in her comment about keeping the syllables and the stresses in sonnets, I find it helpful to tap out each syllable on the table with my fingers as I read it aloud. Everyone has their own tactics, but I find this one works the best because if you read it, you can hear if a line doesn't fit.
Where you a little short on syllables, you could try adding an adjective to elaborate on your existing words, for example 'and leave you blistering in agony'. It adds intensity to the line, and makes up the syllable count.
I like how your sonnets are opposites, and have really contrasting imagery. One image i'm a bit confused about though is the "knife's sharp blunt", I can't quite grasp what you're trying to convey here. However, 'your love is like a world of chimes', whilst a bit weird to picture, really fits in with the voice of "Friends" and I really like it.
You have used emotive language in your sonnets which is really good, "darkness" and "spitefulness" really stick out, and I love the line "jealousy closed your eyes".
I think that once you get into the swing of sonnets, you'll do really well, and I look forward to reading them!
Frances
Hello again Star, apologies for the lateness of this comment.
ReplyDeleteAs always I very much enjoyed reading your work and found many pleasing subtleties and complexities within it. In particular I am very fond of the line you chose to open with, 'You are always there when I am alone',
principally because it is of course impossible to be with someone if they are alone, and this is what gives the line its poignancy. To say, 'You are always there when I am lonely', would technically make more sense, but
there is a very touching and aesthetically pleasing quality to saying that even when the narrator is completely alone, they still feel theirfriend's presence.
'Your love is like a world of chimes' is also a very beautiful image.
In regards to the tone of your opening sonnet, I am also very fond of the tone and mood of the piece. The temptation with opposites and extremes is to be too blatant with either extreme and therefore lose much of the
potential for depth, but you have very deftly avoided this, as with a piece about 'Friends' there would be a temptation to be somewhat too
saccharine, sweet, upbeat, and, I'll go ahead and say it, nauseating. But you have commendably avoided this. Rather than being a straightforward illustration of friendship, you have crafted a more complex facet of
friendship. Throughout the poem there is a definite air of desperation, and while your narrator is certain of their 'sister's friendship...they seem to be almost desperately trying to summon up the conviction that this
'fact' is actually 'true'; in the first line the narrator mentions loneliness, in the second hard and rough times (no good or happy times),
in line 6 embarrassment, in line 7 dismissal, in line 11 betrayal. The narrator does repeatedly stress that they will always be together...but
with the combination of such a massive attempt at conviction, with so many dark thoughts, one can only wonder if this 'guarantee' is really truth, or mere desperation.
So as I say, the tone of your piece is fantastic, and there are certain little moments, lines, images that shine as brightly as the sun-like friendship of these characters in line 8.
Your second sonnet is also very strong, and seems more direct than your first one; in fact I read it as the same narrator talking to the same
ReplyDelete'friend'...as the tone of both poems is remarkably similar for such binary
opposites, only this time the desperation has been replaced by the cold certainly that the narratee is NOT a friend, 'sometimes even best friends can turn away and leave you in agony'.
I know my fellow moderators have already commented on lines such as 'a knifes sharp blunt', and certainly it is true to say that it doesn't really make much sense, but from line 7 onward there is a quality to this piece that I am very fond of, which is somewhat reminiscent of a childish tantrum, almost as if the narrator has been hurt so badly by this betrayal
that they have regressed or retreated back in childhood with words such as, 'evilness', 'spitefulness', hatefulness', etc...and the one positive aspect to 'knife's sharp blunt' is that it's nonsence is what makes it so reminiscent of the tantrum of a very young child who has not yet aquired the linguistic skills for debating or arguing; the sentiment speaks so loudly that any question of it making sense is almost secondary to requirements.
Aside from the obvious example of 'eyes' and 'heart', your rhyme is also very good here. Regarding your pentameter, although there is a very effective and strong statement of intent in starting the poem with the single word sentence, 'Enemies', unfortunately this plays unavoidable havoc with your pentameter, as it is the third syllable that needs to be stressed; lines 2, 5, 8 are two syllables too short; line 3 is a syllable too long; lines 4, 10, 13 are three syllables too short; lines 9 and 11
are 4 syllables too short; line 12 is 2 syllables too long; while line 14 is 4 syllables too long.
So as I say, these poems are very enjoyable, and you have an excellent grip on mood, tone, and intensity, with some very original ideas and
images; you just need to brush up on your technical skills; but that's the easy part; having the creative skills, which you have shown here in abundance, is much more than half the battle,
Well done again and I look forward to your next piece,
Eoghan
On the other hand, however, it is not without its flaws and weaker moments, and this is only because certain lines just don't have the
ReplyDeleteconfidence to stand out enough. One of the reasons for this is repetition. For example, 'Your love is like a world of chimes' and 'Our friendship is like the sun' are very similar ideas, but the first line is
infinitely more original and interesting. Similarly 'You are a good friend that's what you've shown', 'Nobody will be a good friend like you', and 'We will always be together that's true' are also all very similar, as
well as all being fairly straightfoward and self-explanatory statements.
Admittedly these do have their merits; the idea of intense passion definitely comes through, with the narrator needing to make the same
statement over and over in a variety of ways, while that same sense of desperation I mentioned also comes through in this repetition, but I would do your best to add a little more imagery, metaphor, simile, etc into your work; to say the same thing over and over can be an extremely moving and riviting way of writing...but the trick is to make sure it doesn't SEEM to
be the same over and over. But this poem is only ever occasionally guilty of this, and on almost every occasion of repetition, your choice of language is suggestive of deeper and more complex readings, so all I would advise would be to merely polish it up a little.
You also have occasional problems with the iambic pentameter, although you've largely managed it very well. Examples of ill-usage include line 2, in which -AND and -THE incorrectly take dominance over more important
syllables such as -HARD and -ROUGH; lines 3 and 10, which are a syllable short; lines 4 and 12, which are two syllables short; line 6, which is two syllables too long; line 7, in which the -NY in 'funny' is stressed, rather than the -FUN; lines 8, 9, 11, which are both three syllables
short; line 13, which is a syllable too long; and finally line 14 is almost perfect, only that 'together' is stressed in the wrong place; the -GETH should be stressed, while you have stressed the TO- and -ER.
However, I should point out that your rhyme in this opening sonnet was impeccable and, as I say, the content itself is a very enjoyable and
subtly complex read...so just a little work on your pentatmeter and that's all you need to immeasurably improve your work.