Leyland
A lot of folk feel proud of where they’re from
And find it is a very special place.
They love it for it is from where they come
And many have memories. So embrace
The fact that they belong and therefore they
Do hold a passion deep inside their heart.
However though many may feel this way
I find myself quite different and apart
From what many may feel about their home
Town. I am glad I’m no longer there and
Have found a special place that I call home
No matter the fact that it is not grand.
I love the multicultural scene which
Was missing and why we had made the switch.
Leyton
A lot of people may look down their nose
At people who are living in the east
They many not like the way they speak and those
Are the ones who I like to call The Beasts
However I don’t care what’s on their minds
For they should see exactly what it’s like
To not belong. And visits there remind
Me of the fact that there was much dislike
Of us which were based on such stupid grounds.
At least where I live now I don’t have to
Experience that feeling that surrounds
Those of a different colour trying to
Fit in. In Leyton there no room for this
For each and every colour here exists.
Hi Shinigstar,
ReplyDeleteI am impressed by these sonnets. I think there is a great deal of sophistication behind them, and this comes across in your decision to write about place. Both sonnets are separate and stand alone pieces, but they are also connected. In the first sonnet you evoke contrasting thoughts of what makes a place: ‘A lot of folk feel proud of where they’re from/And find it a very special place....’ Then the mood of the sonnet shifts: ‘I find myself quite different and apart...I’m glad I’m no longer there...’ What is successful about this first sonnet, I think, is the sense of voice you create, and the emotion that drives that voice.
It would be great to read some imagery. I do think it would increase the power of the piece to encapsulate these emotions in an image.
In the sonnet Leyton you similarly set up the tone of the poem from an
alternative perspective: ‘A lot of people may look down their nose...they may not like the way they speak.’ Towards the centre of the sonnet the tone shifts, and we see the world from another perspective. You have shown great skill in tilting the mood of these pieces...
I’d perhaps veer away from abstractions: ‘The Beasts.’ Abstractions are fine if the writing that surrounds them illuminates their meaning, but in the relatively short space of a sonnet that’s quite a task.
Some bold ambitious writing. Thanks for posting.
Well done!
Liz
Hi Shiningstar,
ReplyDeleteGreat to see you back at WordVoodoo. You have a special sense of passion in your writing., a strong moral focus and much to say. Your sonnet , in terms of theme, is a fine addition to your body of work. It is forceful yet shows a mature sense of calm. Excellent.
Technically the sonnet is far from perfect, though. Your previous sonnet, "Irreplaceable" showed that you have this technical ability; perhaps you're, understandably, a bit rusty and/or need to re-focus.
The primary problem is syllable stress. The poem begins well:
"Many people feel proud of where they're from
And find it is a very special place.
They love it for it is from where they come"
The metre is perfect and the alliterative "f" sound carries this rhythm along.
Read aloud, though the next line:
"And many have memories. So embrace"
I know you can hear the problem with the stresses in the word "memories." There are several lines which have a similar problem, but you are capable of fixing them. As you know this is more than a technical issue. Once you've established a rhythm, deviations feel like a skipping CD.
Having said that, you rescue things well with the enjambment of "So embrace/ The fact that they belong and therefore they."
The alliteration ("th" joining "f") and flow returns. It really is a lovely passage.
Please also look at your rhymes. I know you can stretch more than these show. The best is in the excellent final couplet "this" with "exists" The least successful actually repeat or almost repeat words "like"/ "dislike"; and, um, "to"/ "to" (?!)
Sorry, I wouldn't be this critical if I didn't know that you had the talent and knowledge to do so much more. Again, it's probably a bit of rust.
Despite the technical problems, the opposition you set up between "Leyland" and "Leyton" is heart-felt, important and well-handled. Using similar names for such different places is very clever.
I like the way you capitalise "Beasts". As Liz points out, it seems a bit abstract here; however, I think you should increase this level of abstraction. It's a powerful image. Let your imagination run with it!
Once you're back on track technically, your strong voice will flourish. Looking forward to next submission.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comments I always take them on board and try to improve my writing. I think I definitely need to spend more time checking over my work to make sure that there aren't any errors. Thanks once again.
Hi there, Shiningstar.
ReplyDeleteMy name is Avani and I am one of your moderators this year, although it seems that I have missed party and Liz and pugnax have already given you all the feedback you need.
Nonetheless I’ll drop in my two cents. As the others have already gone through any technical advice you might need, I’ve decided to focus on the theme of your piece. Your interpretation of the task is really very original and I think it’s especially humorous that that the places that you have depicted as so very different, in fact have names that sound very similar!
I do live very near north London (good old Hertfordshire) when I’m not at university, but I’m afraid to say that the only knowledge I have of Leyton is that it is on the central line. With your writing though, this doesn’t matter at all. On the surface you are talking about the different places, but underneath there is something a lot more universal about the idea of not fitting in. This works so very well with the idea of a task dealing with opposites and your poems are especially interesting because it is not the places you describe that make them so different, but the ways of the people you’ve come across in each place. A poem, for example, is made up of words in the same way that a place is made up of streets, but without the poet to shape the words, it is nowhere near as powerful.
Now that I think of your syllable stresses being slightly off and how this adds a certain jerkiness to the flow of your poem, I am beginning to wonder if this ties in nicely with the idea of not fitting in. Your enjambment and flow does get better towards the last few lines of ‘Leyton’ and though this is likely to be a happy coincidence, it does work with the idea of being at home.
A very good attempt, I look forward to seeing more of what you’ve got!
~Avani
Thank you for yuor comments they have been very helpful.
ReplyDeleteShiningstar