What Love Costs
Jay sat gazing into the mirror as the clock tick... tick... ticked. Four hours had managed to escape him while he thought over his situation. He was holding his mother, Natalia, though she couldn’t pass for a three year old. She’d been through hell for him but she wouldn’t have it any other way. Love had put t them into this predicament; however Jay’s faith in love bringing them out was wearing thin.
The day before Jay and Natalia sat in their home. It only consisted of one room but it was theirs. Jay had always longed for the day he would be able to look after his mother because she had got pregnant with him when she was 15. From then Natalia’s life had been a downhill struggle: she dropped out of school, suffered and eating disorder and her father died. Living with her mother, Kathryn, and son had started as a constant battle. Everyday would bring something new for Natalia and her mother to argue over, but as Jay grew the arguments stopped and their family was knitted tighter and tighter.
Unfortunately when Jay turned twelve Kathryn had a stroke and died leaving behind her only child and grandchild. Natalia couldn’t keep up with paying for the home on their own so she and Jay were evicted. Live as a single mother was far from easy but Natalia wouldn’t change her life, the life she shared with Jay for anything.
Knowing all his mum had been through Jay vowed to look after her, so whenever he saw an opportunity to gain money he took it. Hence when he saw an advert in the local newspaper to be used as a guinea pig for a new drug he took it. He forged the parental permission slip and went, unaware that the substance being tested was unsafe. The drug called Laxrotive had been tested on mice and causes a fully grown mouse to look as young as a newborn. Jay didn’t care about the small print of the advert which contained this information; he was more concerned about the £5,000 he could gain in return.
While clearing Jay’s mess Natalia found the advertisement but it was too late, he was already on his way. So she went to the stated address and caught Jay just in time. She tried to explain herself but the scientists wouldn’t allow her so to save time she looked at Jay handed him the newspaper clipping and said ‘There’s no other way...I love you’.
Nothing had happened, Natalia felt perfectly normal and Jay looked at her like she was a mad woman, unaware that Laxrotive took about three hours to kick in. That is how Jay ended up in this predicament; holding his mother in his arms.
Wow- what a great concept for a story, very different and very imaginative!
ReplyDeleteI see you've put the link in there right at the beginning with 'she couldn't pass for a three year old.' it's a great way to get the reader to go 'oh, i get it!' but it's a tad cofusing. Perhaps 'looking younger and more innocent than he'd ever seen' or something more subtle?
It's great that you've put the family background in, but sometimes it's better to show rather than tell. Maybe have Jay looking at a picture of his deceased grandmother instead of explaining her life story?
Also, Natalia's problems in life seemed a bit rushed- she got pregnant AND had an eating disorder AND her father died AND then her mother died? In a longer story you could do Natalia's story some justice, that's an interesting life you've got right there, even without the drugs!
A great concept, very interesting! Well done.
An original and idiosyncratic opening – I love the confidence you show with “tick…tick…ticked”. I’m slightly confused by the next sentence, though – after easing the reader in, there is suddenly confusion. What do you mean that Natalia “couldn’t pass for a three year old”? That she looks younger, or (as would be assumed) much older? It’s the phrase “couldn’t pass for” that is confusing here.
ReplyDeleteAgain, there is some ambiguity with “The day before Jay and Natalia sat in their home.” The lack of the comma after “before” means that the sentence reads rather as a fragment of a longer sentence, or an opening dependent clause: for example, “The day before Jay and Natalia sat in their home, something happened”. It sounds like I’m being needlessly picky here, but a little lack of punctuation makes the whole thing much more difficult for the reader to decipher.
I agree that there seems to be rather too much narrative for the length of the piece. You obviously have a great deal of material to consider here, and my advice would be to turn it into a lengthier short story – that way the events really have time to have their repercussions felt by the character, and their influence on the character felt by the reader. They are obviously the events which shape Jay’s life, but we know too little of Jay to have any real sympathy.
The medical guinea pig subplot is, I think, the most interesting of these, and could really benefit from expansion. That’s a great idea, and one which the reader latches on to. Your punctuation falls down a bit in this last paragraph – just careful to remember separating commas: “so, to save time, she looked at Jay, handed him the newspaper clipping and said…” Also, I think this piece would benefit from more dialogue to make the characters more “real” to the reader.
I look forward to your next piece – well done.
Penny