Emily guides Ava down the corridor to the closed door.
Emily: This is it. (Points to the door) Go in. They are waiting for you.
Ava: (Hesitates) Err… I can’t!
Emily: Excuse me?
Ava: I’m scared.
Emily: You’re scared. Don’t be so ridiculous! (Pauses) What are you scared of?
Ava: I’m scared of what’s going to happen to me.
Emily:It’s only a job review. They ask you a few questions; check
your progress, that’s all
Ava: Well, (pauses) that’s what they say.
Emily: And what’s that supposed to mean. (Looking unimpressed)
Ava: (snappily) so who’s in there? Who is reviewing me? Who is the ‘they’?
Emily: (confused) The Boss and the supervisor, Humans just like me and you.
Ava: I wouldn’t be so sure of that.
Emily: What are you talking about!
Ava: My friend, Melissa went in ‘there’ to get reviewed, and I never saw her again!
Emily: She probably got fired or even promoted. Was Olivia a beneficial worker?
Ava: How should I know? I’m not the type to interfere in other peoples businesses, and, how would they know if Olivia was a beneficial worker or not?
Emily: By looking at the progress reports!
Ava: Or is that what they want you to think!
Emily: Well how else do you think they find out? (Sarcastically) Mutant psychic powers?
Ava: Of course not, what a ridiculous thing to say! They have their ways. They have cameras everywhere, in the corridors, the canteen, even the toilets! Oh and not to mention behind the computer screen.
Emily: Behind the computer screens?
Ava: YES! They’re watching at what you’re typing, what you’re viewing. They are looking into your soul.
Emily: Don’t be so ridiculous.
Ava: I mean it.
Emily: Anyway. Are you going to go for it?
Ava: I am still shaking. Do I look alright? Everything has to be perfect. They wouldn’t want to hire a messy worker would they?
Emily: No they wouldn’t. Don’t worry you’re fine.
Ava: Ok
Emily: So... are you going in or not?
Hi Star,
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I noticed about your script is that it has very few stage directions. I think that your piece could benefit from a few more, as it could really help to set the tone of the piece. For example, if the corridor was very long and dark, or equally if it was very clinical and brightly lit then I might be more inclined to think that Ava is right to be worried. However, if the corridor is just normal, which I assume it is, then I think Ava is just a bit crazy.
It might also help to show some of Emily's actions too, such as rolling her eyes or tapping her foot to show how she is reacting to Ava. I can't tell exactly how she feels about Ava going from harsh, 'don't be so ridiculous' to almost friendly, 'don't worry, you're fine'.
Clarifying Emily's stance on the whole situation would rack up the tension even more too. I think you've done a good job with the tension, and I like how you end the piece with a cliff-hanger.
I like your idea, and I'm impressed that you've taken something so simple and turned it into such a tension filled moment. Good work! I think that with a bit more attention to Emily, and thinking a little more about the two girls' actions, this could be a really great little play! Well done!
Hi Moderator
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry about this as I was in a rush since I had no computer access at home. Mr savage know about it.
Thanks sara
Hello you,
ReplyDeleteWell I have to say that I'm a little more kindly disposed towards your piece than my colleague. I certainly do agree that you should probably stretch yourself out and attempt to see what you can do with stage directions and character actions to see what you can add to the piece...but I have to admit, I really do feel this piece worked just as well without them.
I found this a very funny, blackly humourous little jewel of the piece which you control very very well. What impressed me the most was the fact that you didn't fight against the limitations of having to write such a small piece but rather you used these limitations to your best possible advantage; in the sense that the one aspect of the piece that works better than any other is that we don't know whether Ava is a stark-raving looney (which would make this piece either a broad-comedy or possibly a psychological piece) or actually telling the truth (which would probably make this a thriller or horror of some sort)...because we can't know which is which because you have neither the time nor the space to tell us...but the wonderfully beneficial side-effect of this is that you are playing with genre expectations...by the end the reader is not sure what genre you are writing in, which I feel is a fascinating trick to play on the reader. I personally saw it as a very funny comedy, which had an almost classic double-act quality to it, with Emily as straight-man...but with a very blackly-comic edge to it in the sense that Ava could be right and could be heading to her death.
I personally don't feel you should clarify the reality of Ava's claims, using such devices as corridor lighting and soforth...as I really do feel that would diminish your piece and make it very one-dimensional, as if you give the corridor very gloomy lighting then you have eradicated any sense of curiosity from the reader...we will know for sure that this is a gaudy and unrealistic horror plotline and you have therefore immediately constrained your piece by genre...similarly if we know for CERTAIN that Ava is simply delusional...then the piece merely becomes silly.
In terms of location I would personally suggest a very ordinary corridor...so that we, as readers / viewers, are forced to make up our own minds.
I personally really enjoyed your piece, and felt it was a wickedly clever little narrative tease in which you understood Matthew's instructions perfectly and ran with them expertly...using them to their fullest extent, and I'd certainly love to see what else you would add, were you to turn this into a longer piece,
Well done,
Eoghan
Hi star! Sorry it’s taken me so long to comment on this.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think this piece is really good; you’ve stuck with the rules of the task brilliantly, and have created some real dramatic tension. I love how simple you’ve kept it, and yet there’s so much emotion going on. At first, we think it’s just the usual nerves of seeing your boss, but then you reveal to us how much more she’s feeling.
It works so well how you reveal information to us little by little, as at first I assumed the two characters were in a hospital, which kind of adds to our belief that Ava struggles with her mental health, as the image of a long hospital corridor stays in our minds (or it did in mine anyway!).
I agree with Eoghan that it works well because we don’t know whether Ava is crazy, or if there is actually something more sinister going on with her workplace. The tension between these two ideas is what makes this piece so dramatic. It’s great that you’ve kept us in suspense at the end too, as for this piece to work, it doesn’t really matter if she goes into the room or not, as it’s not about that. Well done for realising this, and cutting off at this moment.
However, I do think it would work well to know a little more about the relationship between Ava and Emily. Is Emily a friend who works with Emily? In which case, is she sympathetic to her health issues? Or is Emily perhaps her supervisor, on par with her boss? In which case, is she with the boss in the sinister schemes? You don’t need to tell us the answer to these questions (in fact, I think doing so would be detrimental to your writing), but these are the kinds of questions that could be effectively raised if you hint at the relationship between the two women.
Have you read 1984? It reminded me of that. And slightly of The Bell Jar too, because of the paranoia… we don’t know which one this writing falls into; the mental health issues of Sylvia Plath, or the sci-fi ‘Big Brother is watching you’ issues of Orwell, but that’s what makes this so interesting. Well done!
Katie