Photo 5
“He’s a useless thug”, some might say. “He’s trouble, He’s a nuisance, and He’ll just let us down”. What do they know? Quickly judging me for my adolescent façade and branding me a “thug” in my own right, without proper consideration for feelings or thoughts that lay cocooned within my shell. Is this humanity? Is this the extent to which my kind has sunk in order to keep a logical lid on the Jar of all that’s true? Though I probably shouldn’t be surprised, as this tyrannical world I live in cares not for the creativity or imagination of it’s “loyal” disciples, rather it fusses over keeping each and every person’s hair line at a particular angle, or trying rather desperately to hush up the wrong doings of the higher superiority. MP’s, Bankers, Scientists-All Hypocrites! All preaching over what they consider to be the morally right, and lecturing us over what is a “citizens duty”. I can tell you dear people that they drive me Mad! Sorely keeping a tight-piercing eye over on the citizens of this world, whilst we all obliviously pay for their luxurious playboy lifestyles and are still constantly threatened with the risk of being hapless, scavenging street beggars. The pastoral world where freedom was compulsory and pain was a mere scratch obtained from blissful, joy-filled hours is now gone, and now all that is left is a toxic chemical waste land brimmed with damaging technology that leaves us scraping in the pennies from street to street. Though, what would I know, I am a mere statistic in the numbers of the world and would probably be a disturbance in the heavy-authoritarian world that is Planet Earth, yet worst than that is… I’m a teenager.
I would like to apologise to all the moderators for dragging this task out for such a long time, unfortunately i became severly ill and was quite incapacitated for quite a few weeks. I am very sorry for making you wait such a long time.
ReplyDeleteHi Life,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you've been ill, and I hope you're feeling much better now!
Within your piece, you've got some great images and phrases. One of my favourites is "I am a mere statistic in the numbers of the world", another is "scraping in the pennies from street to street". They're both descriptive and emotive, good stuff. Unfortunately, I haven't been quite able to grasp what the over all point of your piece is. I'm not sure what the protagonist is railing against. In the beginning I got quite a sci-fi vibe, I thought maybe he was a robot "adolescent facade", and it was quite distopian with "tyrannical", "damaging technologies" but then I can't tell if this was intentional or not. It might be worth having a run through and seeing if you can make your intentions clearer. I'm also not won over by the voice of the character. The picture is of teenage boys, but the voice you create is much more adult, but because of "facade" I'm really not sure whether he is a teenager or a grown man in hiding or what. The 'rant' style of writing is quite teenagerish, however, so I'm really not sure what you want me to think!
I like the last line though, like being a teenager is the worst thing in the world. It made me grin, good job!
Hi Life,
ReplyDeleteWell done. I really enjoyed your submission and found the tone
both humorous and socially engaged. It is interesting the
way you juxtapose the ‘toxic chemical wasteland brimmed
with damaging technology....’ alongside a nostalgic glance
at the past with the consideration of the pastoral.
I liked the lively tone of the narrator’s voice though occasionally
it felt a little too heightened - this happened for me in the middle
of the extract when the narrator says: ‘I can tell you dear people
that they drive me Mad!’ The capitalisation of the ‘M’ felt a little much,
as did the use of the word ‘dear.’ This is just a very small thing
that would be solved with a little more editing.
I really enjoyed the strong ending to this: ‘I am a mere statistic in the
numbers of the world and would probably be a disturbance...in the world...that is Planet Earth.’ In this case the capitalisation worked very well and contributed to the humour of the piece.
Great stuff. Thanks for posting.
Liz