Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Human fortress
A family of seven, three down four more to go. The mother holding a defensive stance in front of her two youngest children, a girl and a boy. While the oldest son stands in front of them all fearlessly, facing my gun. Mother and son looking like identical fortresses protecting it's inhabitants. Son, courageous and strong, his purpose in life soon to be achieved. Mother, looking strong but pleading with her eyes, incapable of stopping her tears journey across her face. Alas! all it took was a BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! They all crumpled to the floor dead and helpless.
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I am vey sorry for posting this late, i posted one earlier, but later realized that it had nothing to do with the theme, so I had to write another short story. Sorry again.
ReplyDeleteHiya. Wow, gruesome.
ReplyDeleteI think this is 100 words, not 101, so watch out for that—but well done on getting it so close; I find it such a hard thing to get word counts exact. I love your first sentence; it’s so concise, yet it tells us what the whole story is about. You almost don’t need the other 90 words, as this sentence says it all!
It really works that you don’t give us explanations as to why they are being killed, as I think this would be detract from the drama. I like your defensive images, of the mother covering her kids, and the eldest son being protective too. However, I think you emphasise this strength and bravery a bit too much, as you have the “defensive stance”, and then the eldest son “fearlessly, facing my gun,” and then the “fortress” image, then the son “courageous and strong,” and the mother “looking strong”. There are some really good images among this, but it would be better to convey some different emotions, rather than just the bravery and stoicism.
It’s a little strange that you build these characters up as heroes, showing us how brave they are, and willing to protect their family, thus showing them in a positive light, when in fact you, the narrator, are the one doing the killing. It’s as though the narrator admires them for the courage, which seems a little incongruous with the fact that he/she is killing them.
Yet I really like the fact that though the narrator is the murderer, they are focusing on the victims rather than him/herself. We are seeing it through their eyes, which adds a twist on it and makes it all the more moving.
Normally I think repeating the “BANG” would make your writing less effective, however it’s a good device here, as it shows the precision, the fact that it only takes one bang for each person to die, and emphasises the completion of the job.
So, yeah, well done on such a concise story; you’ve clearly thought carefully about the words you use. Just make sure that in future you use images to convey different things, not just the same thing in different ways.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThis starts out excellently. The idea is so strong, and we begin in media res (in the middle of the action), yet we can quickly work out what’s going on. The opening sentence could be tidied a little to be more solid: “A family of seven – three down, four to go”. (It’s mainly a matter of punctuation.)
I think the reader is a little confused by the two “in front”s: first there’s the mother in front of her children, then the oldest boy in front of them. It takes a little too long for the reader to work out who’s where, so how about “The mother holds her defence of the youngest children; the oldest son’s in front of her, fearless, facing my gun”?
I really like the idea of “twin fortresses” – this is a new metaphor that gets the reader thinking in an unexpected way.
I’m not convinced by “Alas”. It introduces an element of moral judgment on the part of the speaker, and what’s more it sounds like a moral judgment against him- or herself, while the rest of the piece is free of moral comment. Either that, or it is a dark bit of sarcasm – in which case, it needs to be a little more clear that this is what you’re doing.
I think the ending is weaker than the beginning, because it relies more on established methods of creating tension – their bodies “crumpling”, “dead and helpless”, is not a new way to describe. In fact, I don’t think you need the description; it would be more stark and disturbing to have “All it took was a BANG!”
Well done – this really fulfils the brief in that it tells so much more than 101 words should normally allow.
Hello. Sorry this comment is so late; the site wasn’t linking me to your work.
ReplyDeleteThough there are certainly things you can do to improve this piece, you have definitely done a wonderful job in telling a brilliant story given the difficult task restraints. The others have covered a lot of my thoughts on this, but I think it’s especially important that you listen to what Penny said about punctuating your first line as it is excellent in theory, but without the commas it doesn’t quite work and so loses its power.
The other moderators have also touched upon what really bothered me about this piece, which was your use of the word ‘strong’. Using it twice so close together really took away from the effect you had previously created with the truly exquisite image of the ‘fortresses’. That really was the highlight of the piece, and from then onwards I think it began to get weaker. It can definitely be improved with a little crafting though and what’s good will become great, so don’t worry!
I was really interested to see that Katie had read the narrator to be the murderer, but when I reread the piece I saw the reference to ‘my gun’. That is a fantastic idea you’ve got there – you really play with our sympathies for and views for the characters. We’re not sure who to trust or like. I wonder if you could build on that somehow.
Ultimately I realise you were restricted by the word limit and perhaps I am getting too ambitious. This is such a good piece though – I can’t help myself. Very well done!